Jokes

WhyYou · 09-17-2008, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigger

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

That IS funny!

laranger · 09-17-2008, 11:16 PM

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

tigger · 09-17-2008, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by laranger

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

That is my sister to a t

DWM222 · 09-18-2008, 03:22 AM

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approched it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

WhyYou · 09-18-2008, 04:00 AM

Good one DWM222!

Here's a couple of jokes I kind of stole when I was in IRC :

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect'

tigger · 09-18-2008, 11:58 AM

Good ones guys!!!!!!!!!!

WhyYou · 09-18-2008, 04:47 PM

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims.

'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

09-18-2008, 04:00 AM	#5
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	Good one DWM222! Here's a couple of jokes I kind of stole when I was in IRC : A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect' __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

09-18-2008, 11:58 AM	#6
tigger Danielle's Future Ex-Husband Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: out yonder way! Posts: 1,093	Good ones guys!!!!!!!!!! __________________ IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING YOU BETTER BE RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!

09-18-2008, 04:47 PM	#7
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.' 'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?' George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?' ''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims. 'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away. Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.' __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

09-17-2008, 11:16 PM	#2
laranger Moderator Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Colorado Posts: 604	A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten" said Murphy. So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over. "Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!" "Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

09-18-2008, 03:22 AM	#4
DWM222 Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Colorado Posts: 478	Elephant's Memory - Touching Story In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approched it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.