Jokes

[mart]

Good one Robert, Laranger you know you shouldn't be drinking coffee when your on the jokes thread!, that's just asking for trouble!.

[DWM222]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[tigger]

An officer from the AIR FORCE walked into the bathroom and went to the bathroom, then a Marine walked in and took as piss the Air Force guy went over and washed his hands , the Marine just headed for the door. The Air Force guy said at West Point they taught us to wash our hands! Ther Marine said at boot camp they taught us not to pee on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.

Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Here's some funny bumper stickers quotes.

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

My other girlfriend is beautiful.

This car is protected by Smith and Wesson.

Make love not war - see driver for details.

If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Lost your cat? Look under my wheels.

Go ahead and hit me, I need the money.

No radio--already stolen.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

[WhyYou]

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his rusty old John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Ole' says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said it would help me if I would.... do something sexy to a tractor . "

[DWM222]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[mart]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”



a man goes into a bar with his younger brother and orders two drinks. The bar-man says “that’ll be €10 please”. The mans brother says he’ll pay and put’s ten buttons on the bar.
The barman isnt too happy and is about to ask them to leave until the older bro calls the barman aside and tells him how his brother is a bit mad and asks him to play along while keeping a tab.
The barman understands and tells him not to worry so.
After a few drinks the older brother asks if he can pay the bill and thanks the barman for putting up with his bro. The bar man tells him that it comes to €80 all together.

The older brother puts a frisby on the counter and tells the barman to keep the change.