Jokes

mart · 09-28-2009, 06:08 PM

This is one of my favourite golf jokes.

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f**k around?".

mart · 10-05-2009, 06:55 PM

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?".

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!".

TheDoctor · 11-04-2009, 12:19 PM

What the F is with Star Wars?

mart · 11-17-2009, 06:50 PM

Here's a massive list of funny real names, i love funny names.

http://www.ethanwiner.com/funnames.html

captnjack · 11-18-2009, 11:38 PM

Some of those names are pretty funny. I use to work for an auditor and one of his clients was a hospital. One of our test was to audit a number of the patient accounts to see that they were real people. I came across a patient named Ima Rose Bush. Of course I had to pull that account and it seemed legimate enough. But who do that to their kid? Any combination is funny. Ima Rose, Ima Bush, Rose Bush.

Immortal · 11-19-2009, 12:16 AM

There are a lot of funny names in that link, Thanks Mart!

Here's my contribution, One of my customers name on the CC he uses is
"Phil Mike Hunt." This is for real too. (Say all 3 name fast.)

captnjack · 11-26-2009, 09:39 AM

Hell explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

This answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

09-28-2009, 06:08 PM	#1
mart Danielle's Only True Love Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Garden of England, Kent Posts: 2,189	This is one of my favourite golf jokes. Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fk around?". __________________ If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get**

10-05-2009, 06:55 PM	#2
mart Danielle's Only True Love Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Garden of England, Kent Posts: 2,189	A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?". On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!". __________________ If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

11-17-2009, 06:50 PM	#4
mart Danielle's Only True Love Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Garden of England, Kent Posts: 2,189	Here's a massive list of funny real names, i love funny names. http://www.ethanwiner.com/funnames.html __________________ If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

11-18-2009, 11:38 PM	#5
captnjack Danielle's Imaginary Boyfriend Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: 3rd rock from the sun Posts: 818	Some of those names are pretty funny. I use to work for an auditor and one of his clients was a hospital. One of our test was to audit a number of the patient accounts to see that they were real people. I came across a patient named Ima Rose Bush. Of course I had to pull that account and it seemed legimate enough. But who do that to their kid? Any combination is funny. Ima Rose, Ima Bush, Rose Bush. __________________ But in your dreams whatever they may be Dream a little dream of me

11-19-2009, 12:16 AM	#6
Immortal In Love with Danielle Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Middle-of-nowhere, Wisconsin. Posts: 174	Funny Names There are a lot of funny names in that link, Thanks Mart! Here's my contribution, One of my customers name on the CC he uses is "Phil Mike Hunt." This is for real too. (Say all 3 name fast.) __________________ аемб еру ыучшуые цщьут щт еру штеуктуе! Wir lieben euch Danielle!

11-26-2009, 09:39 AM	#7
captnjack Danielle's Imaginary Boyfriend Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: 3rd rock from the sun Posts: 818	Hell explained The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. This answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. __________________ But in your dreams whatever they may be Dream a little dream of me