Jokes

[MISSY]

I'm a notty girl!

[ugo]

Umm....Missy.
You made me blush.

[mart]

Originally Posted by MISSY

I'm a notty girl!

I blame the company you keep.

[MISSY]

Originally Posted by mart

I blame the company you keep.

I can except that!

[mart]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".

[mart]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[laranger]

Originally Posted by mart

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".

That made coffee shoot out of my nose, damnit, need a new keyboard now.

[MISSY]

FUNNY,AND FUNNY Mart!!!!!!!!

[mart]

Originally Posted by laranger

That made coffee shoot out of my nose, damnit, need a new keyboard now.

Sorry Laranger, how about this one, mind the keyboard though lol.

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your a$$."

Or this one?.

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by mart

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".

Now that is a good one Mart. I can't wait to tell it to my buddy who likes to hunt.

[ugo]

Try to draw! Then do what you want from "animate."
You'll be surprised. Including me.

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/draw_your_own_cartoon

[mart]

Originally Posted by ugo

Try to draw! Then do what you want from "animate."
You'll be surprised. Including me.

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/draw_your_own_cartoon

Silly, but fun thanks Ugo.

[ugo]

Originally Posted by mart

Silly, but fun thanks Ugo.

Indeed Mart.
Very crazy.

[mart]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!.

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbour that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, i'm working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.

Apologies to all blondes, they are only jokes, unfounded, problably.

[MISSY]

A class after a field trip to a local farm!

[mart]

Originally Posted by MISSY

A class after a field trip to a local farm!

Nice one MISSY!.

[WhyYou]

'Nuff said...lol!

[mart]

Like the pic WhyYou lol, teach em while their young.

[tigger]

Originally Posted by mart

I blame the company you keep.

hey i resemble that!

[tigger]

GREAT jokes guys.

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

hey i resemble that!

Exactly!!!.

[MISSY]

Girls at the local highschool were putting on there lipstick and kissing the mirror in the bathroom, the cleaning guy was getting vary upset about this and told the princible about it and the princible called all the girls and told them that this would not be tolerated any more! the next day there was twice as maney kiss marks on the mirror. the cleaning guy was fureous. and went right to the office to report it. the princible gathered all the young ladies in the restroom and wanted them to watch and see how hard it was for the cleaning guy to get it off the mirror. She summond the cleaning guy and he arived in the ladies room and had his spray and a rag and set the spray on the counter and went to the potty and diped his rag into it and rung it out and went over and begane to scrub the mirror, from that day forth no kiss marks were found on the mirror!

[geolarson2]

I'm not 100% sure this is the thread for this, but it got a laugh out of me, so what the hey.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article....&in_page_id=34

[mart]

MISSY! that has got to be my favourite joke so far.

Must have been a strange world back then Geolarson2 lol.

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by geolarson2

I'm not 100% sure this is the thread for this, but it got a laugh out of me, so what the hey.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article....&in_page_id=34

Not a typical type of joke, but funny none the less!

[mart]

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.
A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Where do you get virgin wool from?
An Ugly sheep.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What's a hindu?
Lays eggs

[captnjack]

Pretty good Mart! I wonder what the capital of South Carolina would be. SC maybe?

[MISSY]

Do you know why cow's are upset? Well you would be too if the farmer got you up at 5am and stroked your **** for two hours and then left and you didn't get laid!!!!!!

[mart]

Originally Posted by captnjack

Pretty good Mart! I wonder what the capital of South Carolina would be. SC maybe?

And the capital of England is of cause "E".


MISSY! that's another great joke, keep em coming.

[WhyYou]

I got this in an email....

IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD
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Aww CRAP...Now I forgot what I was going to tell you!

[tigger]

Yep been there!

[dxhound2003]

Exercise

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> >I can do this twice.
> >>
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> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
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> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
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> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
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> >> NOW SCROLL UP..
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> >> That's enough for the first day. Great job.
> >>
> >> Have a pint.
__________________
It's what's inside that counts the most

[mart]

What about the lazy ones like me dxhound2003? who just hold down the "D" button.

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by dxhound2003

Exercise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >I can do this twice.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
> >>
> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
> >>
~~snip~~

This is a repeat post...this joke was already posted by me on page 6, post number 213. Note that it even has my Signature on it. dxhound2003...you're a joke stealer.

[mart]

I thought i recognized dxhound2003 joke!, well WhyYou's joke. Not funny and not clever dxhound2003.

[dxhound2003]

Sorry guys. I'm very old and when I saw Why You's Important Message I was reminded of this one. I had sent it on my e mail to a friend and I retrieved it from there without remembering where I got it first.

I'm very tired and I have to lie down now.

[DWM222]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my
entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

"ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR"

[ugo]

Jokes of nature.

[mart]

Great joke DWM222 and so true

I hope the middle pic isn't just a shot of your bum bending over Ugo!.

[DWM222]

It started like this


Q:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f--k'n house knows HOW to change a f--k'n light bulb! They don't even know that the f--k'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f--k'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the g/d light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f--k'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME f--k'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F--KER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE F--K'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F--K'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F--K'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?

(Some days start out bad...& then go into the crapper)

[mart]

I didn't know you knew my ex! DMW222!.

Oh DWM222, your supposed to post jokes not real life.

[DWM222]

Yeah Mart...sometimes "Real Life" is a Joke

& we must have been married to the same woman LOL

[DWM222]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[DWM222]

CaptnJack..I got this in an email & I thought you might appreciate it because of your recent breakin problem (I hate thieves)

.................................................. .................................................. ...

----- Original Message ----- > Posted to Craig's List Personals:
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
> Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST
>
> I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
> I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
> evening,and it wasn't that cold outside.
>
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
>
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
> couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
>
> I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
>
> I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
>
> They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
>
> I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
> was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
>
> I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....
>
> - Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
>
>
>

[tigger]

Originally Posted by DWM222

CaptnJack..I got this in an email & I thought you might appreciate it because of your recent breakin problem (I hate thieves)

.................................................. .................................................. ...

----- Original Message ----- > Posted to Craig's List Personals:
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
> Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST
>
> I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
> I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
> evening,and it wasn't that cold outside.
>
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
>
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
> couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
>
> I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
>
> I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
>
> They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
>
> I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
> was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
>
> I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....
>
> - Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
>
>
>

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MISSY]

Tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!

[laranger]

Originally Posted by missy

tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!:d:d

ba-zing...

[captnjack]

Thanks DWM222 I certianly appreciate the thought.

[mart]

Originally Posted by MISSY

Tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!

MISSY! i'm now in tears reading that and will be for a long time.