Jokes

[mart]

.one funny a that's WhyYou one Nice

[Geezer]

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Geezer]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[mart]

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
Are one-handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
Do cementry workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if your in hell and your mad at someone,where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something out of whack? what is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?
If a pig loses it's voice,is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a "broker"?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is a race car driver not called a racist?
IF Fex-Ex and UPs were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, quit while your ahead?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
When signwriters go on strike, what is on their signs?
How can sweet and sour be sweet and sour at the same time?
Did Noah keep his bees in the archives?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
How comes no one says "it's only a game" when their team is winning?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does that mean electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

[voncroy10]

really amusing
i've got one
if you tried to fail and you succeed what did you achieve?

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by mart

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

[DWM222]

> From: xxx xxxx<xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
> Subject: Installing Husband 1.0
> Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 08:01:33 -0800
>
>
> Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Porn 6.9.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Girlfriend 2.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Boob Job 3.8.DD.
Good Luck Babe! Tech Support
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> You live life beyond your PC. So now Windows goes beyond your PC.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

I wish i hadn't included that one.

[Geezer]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ' Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? '

The parrot says, ' I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '

' Holy crap, ' the guy replies. ' You actually understood and answered me! '

' I got every word, ' says the parrot. ' I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird '

' Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, ' Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '

' Well, ' the parrot says, ' this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. '

' Wow, ' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ' Sorry, but I just can't afford that. '

' Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I' m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! '

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ' Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. ' I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.. '

' What are you talking about? ' asks the guy.

' When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. '

' WHAT??? ' the guy asks incredulously.. ' THEN what happened? '

' Well, then the UPS man came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, ' reported the parrot.

' NO! ' he exclaims. ' And she let him? '

' Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... '

Then the frantic guy demands, ' THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '

' Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[captnjack]

that's pretty good geezer

[tigger]

Good one geezer! What do you put on a pig with sunburn??????????????????????? Oinkment! :d

[DWM222]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

[mart]

Funny video DWM222 although it really shoudn't be funny lol. How did these women pass their test!. I know women are reknowned for bad parking but did they have to prove it on film lol. I was in tears watching that woman trying to park her car in the slot then the guy parks it in 20 seconds flat. At least she didn't hit any other cars lol. How the hell did the woman overturn at the gates!.

[Geezer]

Originally Posted by DWM222

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

I loved the end of the video where the guy whizzes into a parking spot! I wish I could do that!!

[DWM222]

Yep...It sure made me chuckle Mart....& Geezer, I thought that was you in the video...LOL

[DWM222]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[WhyYou]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

[captnjack]

That's good whyyou

[Anoree]

Hmm, I must have gotten something wrong ...

L-A-Y-S-I-N-E-S-S
12+1+25+19+9+14+5+19+19 = 123%

Edit:
I knew something was wrong. It's written LAZINESS.
12+1+26+9+14+5+19+19 = 105% - still above 100%

[ugo]

Originally Posted by DWM222

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

Good One DWM222 !!
AaaH hahaha,.....Im very fun !!!!
But women can not be too ignorant!

[laranger]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'




Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[tigger]

Originally Posted by laranger

in addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, all aircraft in the persian gulf aor are required to give the iranian air defense radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the vhf guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 mhz while flying from europe to dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian air defense radar: 'unknown aircraft you are in iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

aircraft: 'this is a united states aircraft. I am in iraqi airspace.'

air defense radar: 'you are in iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

aircraft: 'this is a united states marine corps fa-18 fighter. Send 'em up, i'll wait!'




air defense radar: (no response ... Total silence)

i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

Originally Posted by laranger

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'




Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

The message is...don't mess with the big boys lol.

[Geezer]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[YetAnotherDave]

Originally Posted by Geezer

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Love it !!!

[Geezer]

When your wife has chores for you:



Look at the sofa carefully!

[MISSY]

Originally Posted by Geezer

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

I love this one. Going to add it to my joke list.

[ugo]

This kind I will have already seen from Alison's Chat.
It's very curious.

http://www.flashgames.it/numa.numa.dance.html


Curious difference between Europe and Italy. To laugh. But sometimes Italy is really so.

http://www.flashgames.it/europa.italia.html

[tigger]

Two rednecks walk into a restaront sit down and the waitress comes over and they are bolth masterbating, she sayes what the hell are you doing? the one points to a sigh on the wall ( FIRST COME FIRST SERVE)

[mart]

Originally Posted by ugo

This kind I will have already seen from Alison's Chat.
It's very curious.

http://www.flashgames.it/numa.numa.dance.html


Curious difference between Europe and Italy. To laugh. But sometimes Italy is really so.

http://www.flashgames.it/europa.italia.html

The Europa.Italia was hilarious Ugo. I couldn't stop laughing i mean no offence Ugo but it was really funny.

[WhyYou]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.



The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement'.

[Texasdrake]

What do a G-spot,a woman's birthday and a urinal have in common?

Men seem to miss all three.



I read that somewhere..it had to be written by a woman.

[Euphoria]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II have both died on the same day. Both ascend to the Gates of Heaven. The Angel Guardsman stands before them.
"I am afraid there is only room for one more person", says the Angel,
"To enter, one of you must give the best reason as to why you should enter Heaven", "Dolly Parton! You may go first"
"Well. As you can see, I am very shapely with these pair of enormous breasts. Handcrafted by God himself. I am very sure that the great Lord would like his finest creation to join him in Heaven" says Dolly.
"Ah! Very good. Now, Queen Elizabeth II! Please give your reason".
The Queen says nothing, but walks over to a toilet and flushes it.
"Outstanding Ma'am! You have earned your place in the glorious Heavens. Welcome Queen Elizabeth II".
A puzzled look appears on Dolly Parton's face
"Hold on a minute! You are seriously turning me down?! I was offering these pair of huge boobs! All she did was flush a toilet! What the hell!"
"Ah well, you see Ms Parton. Even in Heaven, a Royal Flush always beats a Pair.

[mart]

Come across this "funniest soccer dives ever" on Youtube and i haven't stopped laughing lol. It is so hilarious and i'm not really into football.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9jjEqRfqoM

[mart]

When i first saw this video i thought it was funny. But of cause it isn't, seeing peoples cars getting damaged just isn't funny. I was stupid to think it was. Maybe amusing, i hope everyone had insurance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3souxFjWgLk

[WhyYou]

I received this video in an email from a friend. I don't have any idea how this guy did this but it looks real. The only way I know of that this could happen is if the guy defied the laws of physics.

[CK1]

that is Magician/Illusionist Criss Angel. this is part of the first season of MindFreak his show on A&E. towards the second season he started getting a huge ego. still performed great stunts/illusions but would spend too much time saying how great he is, awards he won, etc... i mean he was thanking his fans but by pointing out everything he did... i got tired of it.

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by mart

I didn't know cars could do the Blue Danube lol. Can you count the cars that get damaged?.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3souxFjWgLk

Reminds me of some of the local drives here when it snows.

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by CK1

that is Magician/Illusionist Criss Angel. this is part of the first season of MindFreak his show on A&E. towards the second season he started getting a huge ego. still performed great stunts/illusions but would spend too much time saying how great he is, awards he won, etc... i mean he was thanking his fans but by pointing out everything he did... i got tired of it.

I believe your right CK1. He did some amazing illusions alright but I never liked his personality either. I haven't a clue how he did the illusion but there is a reason he covered the window with the paper which just happened to be in the dumpster.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

I received this video in an email from a friend. I don't have any idea how this guy did this but it looks real. The only way I know of that this could happen is if the guy defied the laws of physics.

I was very disappointed, i was expecting him to actually come through the window fully. Not just a finger lol. Why did he take his shoe off? and why do all magicians or illusionist always cover up what their about to go through or make disappear? lol.

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by mart

I was very disappointed, i was expecting him to actually come through the window fully. Not just a finger lol. Why did he take his shoe off? and why do all magicians or illusionist always cover up what their about to go through or make disappear? lol.

The video must have ended too early. Try watching it again. He does come all the way through the window and stands up on the outside. He probably took his shoes off to cover what his accomplice was doing (I assume the guy inside the building with him was his secret accomplice).

[mart]

I couldn't get the Criss Angel's "walk through window" video to play fully on Photobucket, so i found it on Youtube. Along with many other illusions like this link. Where he makes a Lamborgini disappear. It's a bit long but he does it eventually lol. Check the related videos box on the right he's done quite a few amazing illusions. Like pulling a woman in half, walking on water and so on. All tricky but clever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8eD3AmxyAI

[mart]

Just found this great picture of a girl with a nice big pair of jugs, just awesome.

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.p...ymneyk&thumb=5

[mart]

This woman really does have a nice *****.

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.p...cdzmgw&thumb=5

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by mart

Just found this great picture of a girl with a nice big pair of jugs, just awesome.

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.p...ymneyk&thumb=5

Wow that is pair of big jugs alright!

[MISSY]

Math teacher asked Sally what comes after 69? Sally replied thats easy, you wash your face and brush your teeth!

[mart]

Originally Posted by MISSY

Math teacher asked Sally what comes after 69? Sally replied thats easy, you wash your face and brush your teeth!

MISSY!!! i'm shocked you could know such a joke.
Nice one MIssy! i've never heard that before.

[tigger]

Originally Posted by mart

missy!!! I'm shocked you could know such a joke.:d
nice one missy! I've never heard that before.:d

that is one of the clean ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

that is one of the clean ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d