Jokes

[laranger]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll sa y to me!'
And the husband began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower,
and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, a s she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,
and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[laranger]

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by laranger

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

loved this one!!!!

[laranger]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered,
"because your father,your grandfather,and your great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen,
and you were born in July, you dumbass."

[ugo]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave the money to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[captnjack]

good one Ugo. I think Sailaway will enjoy that one!

[ugo]

HEHE, Friend Captin.
I hope well for my Great Friend Sail.

[ugo]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi Breezers".
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and inno cent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!".
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said...*From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!* ".

[WhyYou]

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .



Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !

[Geezer]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
> two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
>
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
> Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
>
>
>
> The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The
> oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
> twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
>
>
>
> 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
> believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you
> for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[Geezer]

I LOVE IT "WhyYou!" I am going to rush out and get a black eye so I can be "treated" for it. Now, where do I get a pair of DDs??????

Originally Posted by WhyYou

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .



Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !

[ugo]

I think: " What the woman all beautiful and warm is the maximum one of every general medicine for the man." If the man is good.

[WhyYou]

Miss Beatrice, a church organist, was in her late seventies and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the Pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and sandwiches, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[laranger]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[tigger]

Oh them are great guys.:d

[laranger]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road
and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump.
Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,
turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say?
Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher,
"because that black horse don't know **** about cars!"

[WhyYou]

> >I can do it twice (I got this in an email)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
> >>
> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> NOW SCROLL UP..
> >>
> >> That's enough for the first day. Great job.
> >>
> >> Have a glass of wine.

[captnjack]

why you I must scrolled up and down 4 or 5 times and now I am exhausted. I think I over did.

[mart]

Originally Posted by captnjack

why you I must scrolled up and down 4 or 5 times and now I am exhausted. I think I over did.

Cheat like me Captnjack!. I used the direction keys lol.

[laranger]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[WhyYou]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said,

'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
Mother kiss you on the cheek.'

[WhyYou]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and mother and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

[Texasdrake]

Well I got lucky and found this naughty version of the christmas poem that made me laugh.Since Christmas is around the corner.....ok its around a few corners....Enjoy the poem

Twas The Night Before Christmas (NC-17 Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ***, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ***,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false ****,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his *** and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!!"

[WhyYou]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[mart]

That was wicked but funny WhyYou! lol.
Why should the colour of her hair make any differance. You'll give blondes a bad name WhyYou lol.

[Texasdrake]

Cause its a running joke in the USA that "Blondes" are dumb,well blonde females.Makes me wonder....if any female with any other color hair dyed it blonde does it makes them a "dumb Blonde" as well? as in dumb by Proxy ( Hydrogen Peroxide)if i remeber right was the old fashion way of bleaching one's hair.(bleach blonde)

[tigger]

How do you explain a blond dying her hair pink?????? I just got sarahs school picks in an e-mail. And no i dont like it!

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by tigger

How do you explain a blond dying her hair pink?????? I just got sarahs school picks in an e-mail. And no i dont like it!

She had a BLONDE moment?

[Texasdrake]

Sarah's hair doesn't look too bad in the pics.Was it like that the whole time or she letting her blonde hair grow back out.When you talked way back that her hair was pink..I was thinking like it was totally pink.In the picture from what I can tell it looks like pink highlights

[tigger]

she got it fixed, it is blond again. Im just upsetshe did it and that she did it for her school pix.

[laranger]

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

[MISSY]

Father walked by his girls room and heard a vibrating noise, he opened the door to see his little girl with a vibrator. He said what are you doing? She exclamed ,I'm 27 single, and this is the closest im going to hve to a man. a little while later mom came by and heard the noise and opened the door and the same story was given. later that evening the wife came home and saw her husband on the couch and heard the vibrator and said what the hell are you doing!! He said im watching the game with my new son in law!!!

[laranger]

Post your accomplishments.

[WhyYou]

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

[Geezer]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

Just as soon as an email notified me of this "new thread entry" I jumped on the URL. Wow, that IS pretty funny. The moment I finished viewing it, I forwarded it to about 50 people on my email distribution list.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

That's a really funny version of "Noah's Ark" WhyYou.

[MISSY]

That is so funny. And true too!!!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them are in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:

You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, the head and the ***** are interchangeable, and you get the same material discharged from either end.

[WhyYou]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital Fort Worth. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

[WhyYou]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell Sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and Says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are Millions of galaxies.?

Time wise, it appears to be Approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are Small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow.?

What does it tell You, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent!! '

[WhyYou]

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people

Maryln Allen Adams

[WhyYou]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...'

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and explained the situation. He said, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Over half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

[WhyYou]

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie dolls in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19..95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others are only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls."

[DWM222]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Damn! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a **** house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.

[WhyYou]

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will
be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts.
Please let me know your sizes.
You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you
wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is
most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
1. Soft and Hygienic
2. Non-slip grip strips on the soles
3. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
4. No more bending over to mop up spills
5. Disposable and biodegradable
6. Environmentally safe
7. Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out
the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for
each one of you.

NOTE:

Sizes for Europeans.....with the silk flowers option should be
ordered well in advance.

[DWM222]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!'

[D Money $$$]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

“You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[DWM222]

Little old lady goes into a sex toy shop........

She looks around for a while, and finally walks up to the large wall display.
The clerk comes over to help, and she says 'I'd like to purchase that large red vibrator over there on the right'.

Clerk says 'I'm sorry, but you will have to select another item, I can't sell you that'.

She says 'Why not...its the one I want'.

Clerk says 'That is our fire extinguisher'

[WhyYou]

Here's an interesting sentence:

Did I like nut another to it send do to better anything have doesn't that person a like this reading time sweet your took you since.


Scroll down















Scroll down













Scroll down





















Scroll down




















Now read it backwards