Jokes

[DWM222]

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approched it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[WhyYou]

Good one DWM222!

Here's a couple of jokes I kind of stole when I was in IRC :

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.



A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect'

[tigger]

Good ones guys!!!!!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims.

'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

[WhyYou]

(just one more today...this is good)

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

[tigger]

A DRUNK WAS WALKING THRU THE WOODS AND HAPPENRD APON A CHURCH GROOP, AND THE PASTER WAS BAPTISING PEOPLE IN THE RIVER. THE DRUNK WONDERED OUT AND BUMPED INTO THE PASTER, THE PASTER SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK REPLIED YES I WOULD. SO THE PASTER DUNKED HIM IN THE WATER AND THEN SAID HAVE YOU MET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK: NO. PASTER DUNKED HIM AGAIN HELD HIM UNDER A LITTLE BIT LONGER THIS TIME. PASTER: HAVE YOU MET JESUS? DRUNK:NO I HAVEN'T. SO THE PASTER GETTING A LITTLE UPSET DUNKED HIM A 3RD TIME AND HELD HIM THERE FOR ALMOST 30 SECONDS. HE ASKED AGAIN HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? DRUNK REPLYED : NO, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN?

[laranger]

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry
Horny

[laranger]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

[Texasdrake]

The advertising exec arrived at his country club for a round of golf and was asked by the pro to fill out a foursome in which he never played before.
Noticing that a beautiful blond would be in the group,he immediately agreed.
On the third hole,the adman was faced with a 35-foot putt.He turned to the blond. " If I make this putt," he proposed,"will you go out with me tonight?"
"you're on," she said.
He lined up the shot,stroked the ball and watched it roll straight into the cup.
"On the fifth hole,the young man was left with a 60-foot uphill putt.He turned to the woman. "If I make this putt,will you make love to me tonight?"
"Absolutely," she replied.
He stood over the ball,stroked it firmly and watched happily as it broke perfectly into the hole.
On the ninth hole,the blond was faced with a putt that had to go up one hill down a second and into the cup on the far side of a third --- 85 feet away.
"If I make this putt," she teased," you have to go down on me tonight."
As the woman's putter was in its backswing,the young man walked over and picked up her ball. " That's a gimme."

[Texasdrake]

As he carried a cocker-spaniel puppy home for his wife's birthday,Joe ran into one of his neighbors. " Hey,Sam" He said, "what you think of the dog I got for my wife?"
" Hmmm Great trade."

[Texasdrake]

And what's more Alice," the furious physician hollered as he slammed the front door," you're a lousy lay!"
Later,after completing his morning rounds,the doctor decided to drive by the house to apologize to his wife for his morning outburst.
Not finding her in the kitchen or the living room,he glanced into the bedroom,only to find her in bed with another physician.
"what the hell is going on here?" he demanded
"Well after what you said this morning dear,his wife explained,"I decided to get a second opinion."

[tigger]

A man came out into the kitchen one morning to find his wife cooking breakfast in her nity. He walked up behind her and she turned and said make love to me right this min. So he grabed her put her on the table and made love to her. She pushed him off and went back to the stove. Puzled he said what was all that about. She said the egg timer is broke!

[laranger]

A girl at the bar asked me what I wanted most in a woman.

So I showed her.









I just got bailed out twenty minutes ago.

[WhyYou]

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So Mary called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

[mart]

Love that one WhyYou. That's why i got all them tickets the other day lol.

[Texasdrake]

I have to keep that in mind when I retire.

[mart]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

I have to keep that in mind when I retire.

Please don't retire to my neck of the woods Texasdrake. I couldn't afford to pay too many tickets lol.

[WhyYou]

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man
marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had
stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in
nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued
to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that
is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback
mountain **** going on here!"

[tigger]

Old man walked into the drug store and asked the drugest for 10 viagra pills cut into quorters. the drugest looked at him and said i can do that but you wont be gitting a full erection with just a quorter of the pill. Theold man said im 94 yrs old i dont need a full erection ,i just want to quit peeing on my slippers!!!!!!

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou & Tigger those are pretty funny. (LOL)

[The Deuce]

Ok,can these jokes be dirty? I'm just wondering why these are so tame.

[WhyYou]

If it's really funny it's ok...but degrading jokes are out.

[laranger]

Originally Posted by The Deuce

Ok,can these jokes be dirty? I'm just wondering why these are so tame.

It's the nature of the beast.

[The Deuce]

well, this may get me banned but it is funny,

A kid walks into a whore house and walks up to the Madam and says, "I want a hooker right now!"

Madam says, "What? no, get out of here kid and why the hell do you have a dead frog on the end of a leash"?

(kid digs into his pocket and puts a 100 dollar bill on the table)

Kid: "I want hooker with herpes right now!"

Madam: "No kid beat it, and get that dead frog out of here"

(kid diggs into pocket pulls out another 100 dollar bill and puts it on the table)

Kid: "I want a hooker with herpes and aids right now"!

Madam: "Ok kid, I've got what you want, but tell me why you have a dead frog on the end of that leash"

Kid: "Alright, I"m going to **** a hooker with herpes and aids. When I get home I'm going to **** my baby sitter, when my Dad comes home from work he's going to **** the baby sitter. Later that night my Dad's gonna **** my Mom and then the next day my Mom's going to **** the Mailman and THATS THE MOTHER ****** THAT KILLED MY FROG!!"

[WhyYou]

lLOL...it takes the mind of a kid to think that round-about way...LOL

Good one The Deuce!

[geolarson2]

I'm originally from Colorado. I was born there, spent some very good years there as a kid. Its a beautiful place, whether we're talking the plains or Rockies, good people, too ('cept for those West Slopers--j/k). I'm expecting laranger & DWM222 to back me up on this. Its also a windy state. Lots of wind! Phew! And while I don't mean any disrespect to the folks living east or west of the Centennial State, its all their fault. Now how can I say that, you ask? Simple: Nebraska & Kansas suck and Utah blows!

[DWM222]

Originally Posted by geolarson2

I'm originally from Colorado. I was born there, spent some very good years there as a kid. Its a beautiful place, whether we're talking the plains or Rockies, good people, too ('cept for those West Slopers--j/k). I'm expecting laranger & DWM222 to back me up on this. Its also a windy state. Lots of wind! Phew! And while I don't mean any disrespect to the folks living east or west of the Centennial State, its all their fault. Now how can I say that, you ask? Simple: Nebraska & Kansas suck and Utah blows!

Looks like you nailed that one geo..LOL

[ask]

Funny one.........

[DWM222]

An old cowboy st down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that eveything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

[ugo]

Good one Dwm222 !!

[voncroy10]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[geolarson2]

Originally Posted by DWM222

An old cowboy st down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that eveything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

Son of a ...! I'm a lesbian, too! Yee-freakin'-haw!

[mart]

Great jokes DWM222,voncroy. I think i must be a lesbian then DWM222 lol.

[Max]

This is a really dumb joke but i'm gonna tell it anyways.
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common
A: They have the same middle name

[The Deuce]

A grass hopper hops into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we got drink named after you." The grass hopper looks at him in amazement and says, " No ****, you gotta drink named Bob?"

[DWM222]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her tow kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...nice children you've got there - are they twins?'
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?...Do you really think they look alike?'

'No', replies the greeter, 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!'

[Max]

I hope this joke doesn't get me banned, but I'm going to tell it.

Three first graders are on a playground, an asian kid, a black kid, and a red neck. The asian says "OK, we're going to pull out our ***** and see whose is the biggest." The asian kid pulls his **** out, and the other two say "that's pretty impressive." The black kid pulls his **** out and the other two say "whoa even bigger." The red neck pulls his out, and the other two say "OK, no fair." The redneck went home and said "Ma I wun biggest penis in skool, cuz I waz a red neck." Then his mother says "No honey, that's because you're 35."

[Max]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says "why the long face."

[WhyYou]

LOL...good jokes DWM222 and Max.

Don't know about the Celine Dion one though.

[laranger]

John is out in the country with his new bride.
They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other.

His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."






He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."

[DWM222]

My grandmother died in 1974, but her birthday is coming up soon, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on College Avenue, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds, or washing the sidewalk..Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, happened when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 50 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this one thing" she said. "Be sure to marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."

Still kinda brings a tear to my eye.....

[laranger]

Originally Posted by DWM222

My grandmother died in 1974, but her birthday is coming up soon, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on College Avenue, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds, or washing the sidewalk..Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, happened when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 50 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this one thing" she said. "Be sure to marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."

Still kinda brings a tear to my eye.....

This is a joke fred not True Confessions...

[DWM222]

Originally Posted by laranger

This is a joke fred not True Confessions...

hehe...gotta love Grandma

[MISSY]

Old man was sitting down at the lake with his rod in the water, little boy walks up and ask's are you fishing? old man replys No my worms are dirty and I was washing them.

[WhyYou]

Lots of good jokes here...LOLOLOL!!!!

[DWM222]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was the pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all me again one year later and the two city gals were were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied. Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him...

[MISSY]

That is funny.

[WhyYou]

LOL...good joke DWM222...LOL!!!

[DWM222]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

LOL...good joke DWM222...LOL!!!

Thanks

...makes me feel better since I had a bad start to the day....

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Thats when the fight started...