Jokes

[laranger]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[WhyYou]

LOLOLOL...laranger, you're on a roll...3 good ones in a row....LOLOLOL!!!

[tigger]

good ones laranger. i love the avitar .

[WhyYou]

laranger...excellent choice of avatar...and very fitting for this time of year

[laranger]

Tigg, WhyYou, I have been using my avatar on another msg board for a few years now, only difference between this one and the other one is a mourning stripe.

[tigger]

I like it makes me want to put me uniform on again. If i could get in it. Had a 30 in waist back then. It has expanded a little sinse then.lol

[Texasdrake]

An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through the minister's sermon,the old woman leaned over and said, " I just let out a silent fart.What do you think I should do?"
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Texasdrake]

Hey I'm a "Danielle Junkie" now. Guess that means I be needing my Danielle "Fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms.

[tigger]

That reminds me of several years back sarah and i were in church and granpa snuck one out and sarah about fell off the pew laffing .the paster didnt think it was so funny.

[tigger]

Originally Posted by texasdrake

hey i'm a "danielle junkie" now. Guess that means i be needing my danielle "fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms. :d

take two boobies and call ????? In the morning.

[Texasdrake]

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a skimpy negligee,standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
She purred at him,"Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
So he did.Then he went fishing.

[laranger]

^^^^^^^^^^winner!!!!!

[Texasdrake]

Tigger that would have been a sight to see with grandpa. Would think the pastor would have a sense of humor.

[Texasdrake]

That reminded me when I was a kid and gone to church with my grandpa.We would always sit in the front row pew.Was glad my grandpa didn't sneak a fart out being that close to the pastor....but then again with me being there he could have blamed it on me.

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

Hey I'm a "Danielle Junkie" now. Guess that means I be needing my Danielle "Fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms.

You have now entered the MESSAGE BOARD ZONE!!! Do NOT try to adjust your monitor, do NOT try to pass GO, do NOT attempt in any way shape or form to collect $200!! This has been a public service message..we now return you to your regularly scheduled.....

OOPS...brain fart!!!

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a skimpy negligee,standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
She purred at him,"Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
So he did.Then he went fishing.

That's what a long marriage will do to you...LOL!! Very funny Texasdrake!! Keep 'em coming!!

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou glad you like the jokes. Wish I could remember one of my fave ones.Its a dirty version of the song " it was the night before Christmas"

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

WhyYou glad you like the jokes. Wish I could remember one of my fave ones.Its a dirty version of the song " it was the night before Christmas"

Have you tried Googling it? When it's close to Christmas time you can find nearly anything even remotely related to Christmas...lol

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou yeah its possible I can goggle it.I had written it down when a friend had posted it in a chat room.Laughed so hard end up with tears and almost wet my pants.

[Texasdrake]

" I'm telling you," a waoman said to her friend,"I've never been happier.I have two boyfriends.One is just fabulous.He's handsome,sensitive,caring and considerate."
"What in the world do you need the second one for?" the friend asked.
"Oh,the first replied,"the second one is straight."

[tigger]

Oh thats badd. Good jokes, keep them comming

[Texasdrake]

Speaking of jokes. I had a fave baseball cap.It had a picture of a drunk kitty cat sitting in a martini glass. the caption said " Have you ever seen a tight *****"
That cap end up disappearing one day.Think my then roommate's girlfriend threw it away.....she hated that cap. (LOL)

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

Speaking of jokes. I had a fave baseball cap.It had a picture of a drunk kitty cat sitting in a martini glass. the caption said " Have you ever seen a tight *****"
That cap end up disappearing one day.Think my then roommate's girlfriend threw it away.....she hated that cap. (LOL)

At one time in my working life I wore a baseball cap to work every day with a different saying taped to it. I used funny T-shirt saysings and would wait to see what everybody's reaction would be to what my hat said...there were some good and some bad and sometimes I would get nearly beaten up for what the hat said...LOL

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou thats funny. (LOL)
I did wear my cap to work one day and went into the office to get my work orders.The secretary looked at the cap and had this grin on her face.The boss came up and seen what it said and told me that it wasn't a appropriate cap to wear to work.I had this "Innocent" look on my face and said to him "What...what's wrong with a drunk cat?" and he said "You know what it really ment." and I just grin and walked out the door. (LOL)
Luckly he wasn't an ******* and fired me.

[mart]

I remember i had a t-shirt with the words " WHAT THE F*** YOU LOOKING AT?". Which i used to wear to work. How i never got beaten up i don't know lol. I did get some scared looks though. Amazing how the power of a slogan even offensive one can have.

[Texasdrake]

Funny with what kind of reactions you get from caps and T-shirts and whatever else you can prints slogans on.
I still have this spring break T-shirt I brought a long time ago...

Top Ten Reasons You Should
SHOW ME YOUR ****!

I gotten after I seen it in a Head shop and my cousin drunk wife showed me her **** when I showed her the shirt. (LOL)
I wonder if it would work on Danielle? (joking)

[tigger]

I have a tshirt. I got a cupple of years ago. It has a bear holding two owl's and sayes nice hooters. Every time i wair it i have girls stop me so they can look at it. They allways ask me where i got it.( pilot truck stop silina ks. )

[WhyYou]

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louie replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here a-a-a-and r-r-r-r-r-read i-i-it t-to y-y-you??'

[DWM222]

Good one WhyYou

[tigger]

Thats a good one.....

[ugo]

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH,.....LOL
You are great, friend WhyYou !!

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou thats was funny.Now I know the secret to being a great salesperson.

[laranger]

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"


"She wouldn't lie still!!"

[LeoRex]

Loved the bible selling joke WhyYou - hilarious!!

[LeoRex]

Originally Posted by laranger

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"


"She wouldn't lie still!!"

Good one laranger - one can never go wrong with a mother-in-law joke

[tigger]

Good one laranger.!!!!!!!!!!!:d

[luv2mtnbike]

Okay here is my joke for the forum:

A guy walks into a tatoo parlor and tells the tatoo artist.

"I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis."

The tatoo artist looks the guy over and says. "Sorry buddy I dont think I can help you out with that one."

Guys says, "Look I am dead serious, I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis and to prove how serious I am, I will pay you a thousand dollars to tatoo the $100 bill on my penis."

The tatoo artist thinks about it and finally says, "Damn one thousand dollars huh for a $100 bill tatooed on your penis! I tell you what I will do it on one condition, why do you want a $100 bill tatooed on your penis?"

The guy thinks for a minute and replies back, "I have 3 very good reasons for wanting a $100 bill tatooed to my penis. Reason #1, I like to keep my hands on my money. Reason #2 I like to watch my money GROW. And the 3rd reason I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow a hundred dollars she can stay at home!!!"

[WhyYou]

Good one luv2mtnbike!

[DWM222]

Good one luv2

[tigger]

Thats a good one

[tigger]

AN ELDERLY MAN IN FL. HAD OWNED A LARGE FARM WITH A POND AND SEVERAL FRUIT TREES. AND HE HAD NOT BEEN DOWN TO THE POND FOR A WHILE SO HE THOUGHT HE WOULD GO TO IT AND HE GRABED A PALE TO GATHER SOME FRUIT WHILE HE WAS THERE. AS HE APROATCHED THE POND HE HEARD YOUNG GIRLS CAIRING ON. AND HE ANOUNCED HIS ARIVAL TO DISCOVER THE GIRLS WERE SKINNY DIPING. THE GIRLS QUICKLY MOVED TO DEEPER WATER AND SAID THEY WERE NOT COMMING OUT TILL THE OLD MAN LEFT. THE OLD MAN REPLYED , I DID NOT COME TO WATCH YOU GIRLES I CAME TO FEED THE ALIGATOR!!!!!!!! MORAL= SOME OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST WHEN THE NEED ARISES.

[tigger]

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

[Texasdrake]

Yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (LOL)

[tigger]

Originally Posted by texasdrake

yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (lol)

it covered everything!

[laranger]

Originally Posted by Texasdrake

Yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (LOL)

Pervert!!!

Ask the lizard.

[geolarson2]

Here's one with an Arizona connection:

Its been well over a hundred years since the Indian Wars ended, but some folks just won't let go until every "renegade" is accounted for. An example of that is the Arizona Department of Transportation. All over the Superstition, Gila and other mountain ranges, they have posted signs telling drivers to watch out for this particular chief from yesteryear. So what does the sign say? "Watch Out For Falling Rocks." Some folks just don;t know when to call it quits ...

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by tigger

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

That IS funny!

[laranger]

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

[tigger]

Originally Posted by laranger

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

That is my sister to a t