Jokes - Page 14

STAR · 01-24-2012, 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Max

Haha loved that sign. NOTHING is better than free online porn might I add.

Oh, Max, yes. And that is just a mild insight into the true nature of this irreverant, rapacious, irascible, take-no-prisoners young woman! Her nickname is Rye. If you ever meet her take a deep breath; she'll grab a handful & shake you upside down just to see if anything comes loose. Best to greet her with a joyfully erect penis. *That, she does unflinchingly repect.

STAR · 02-10-2012, 11:09 AM

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

cwill498 · 02-11-2012, 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STAR

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

I enjoyed that one STAR.

STAR · 02-11-2012, 05:45 PM

Thanks Cwill, it had me laughing so hard I almost choked.

Max · 02-13-2012, 06:42 AM

For those of you who know calculus: when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1.

TheDoctor · 02-13-2012, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Max

For those of you who know calculus: when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1.

Still not funny, Sheldon.

STAR · 02-23-2012, 09:18 PM

http://www.youtube.com/user/dailygrace/featured

DWM222 · 04-20-2012, 02:04 AM

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

TheDoctor · 04-25-2012, 08:46 PM

LOOOOLLLLL

In his first movie, Harry Potter had this invisibility cloak.
Anyone with such coak... in Hogwarts... with THOSE classmates.
And we NEVER saw him peeking at the Ladies' room.

HARRY! Great Power implies Great Responsibility!

STAR · 05-16-2012, 09:20 PM

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender
cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

STAR · 06-26-2012, 04:12 AM

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

TheDoctor · 07-28-2012, 05:43 PM

LULZ...

Tom M · 07-29-2012, 01:22 PM

Very good!

STAR · 08-22-2012, 07:48 AM

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Go ahead, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does.

STAR · 03-29-2013, 08:37 AM

>>>>>>>>

Randolph Carter · 03-30-2014, 02:38 PM

Fred & Ol' Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can?t always hear the bells.

Rick_Jazz · 07-23-2015, 01:20 AM

A woman is in court, accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. As the court announces her charges, the judge asks "First offender?"

The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

darrenAH · 08-05-2017, 11:22 AM

cute and funny

DonV3rgas · 11-08-2020, 05:45 AM

Grumpy teenage daughter: Can't find the broom.

Dad: Where did you park it?

Mom: LOL

Daughter: WTF??

Mom: Who moves around on brooms?

Daughter: TRIGGERED.

02-10-2012, 11:09 AM	#639
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	THE WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks... “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?” (You gotta love this part) "Only when he's been drinking." __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

02-11-2012, 05:45 PM	#641
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Thanks Cwill, it had me laughing so hard I almost choked. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

02-13-2012, 06:42 AM	#642
Max Danielle's Imaginary Boyfriend Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 769	For those of you who know calculus: when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1. __________________ when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1

02-23-2012, 09:18 PM	#644
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	http://www.youtube.com/user/dailygrace/featured __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

04-20-2012, 02:04 AM	#645
DWM222 Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Colorado Posts: 478	A fairy tale Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end. __________________ Have I ever lied to you....That you know of?

05-16-2012, 09:20 PM	#647
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Psychiatrists vs Bartenders EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!' __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

06-26-2012, 04:12 AM	#648
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

07-29-2012, 01:22 PM	#650
Tom M Dreaming of Danielle Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 61	granny Very good!

08-22-2012, 07:48 AM	#651
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	"Only a Farm Kid!" When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." Go ahead, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Last edited by STAR; 08-22-2012 at 07:52 AM.

03-30-2014, 02:38 PM	#653
Randolph Carter Danielle Junkie Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: New Hampshire, where men are men and sheep are nervous Posts: 32	Pullet Surprise Fred & Ol' Butch Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can?t always hear the bells.

07-23-2015, 01:20 AM	#654
Rick_Jazz Danielle Fan Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 11	A woman is in court, accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. As the court announces her charges, the judge asks "First offender?" The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

08-05-2017, 11:22 AM	#655
darrenAH Just Visiting Join Date: Aug 2017 Posts: 1	cute and funny

11-08-2020, 05:45 AM	#656
DonV3rgas Just Visiting Join Date: Nov 2020 Location: My house Posts: 2	The Doctor is back. Grumpy teenage daughter: Can't find the broom. Dad: Where did you park it? Mom: LOL Daughter: WTF?? Mom: Who moves around on brooms? Daughter: TRIGGERED.