Jokes

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOL. OH GOD THAT WAS FUNNY!

[mart]

Really love that one WhyYou!.

[Padawan]

You might have heard this one already but I post it nevertheless...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[WhyYou]

That's a new one for me Padawan....LOL!!!

[WhyYou]

When a male can't stand it anymore!
Priceless shot!

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.

[tigger]

LOLOLOL

[WhyYou]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...





Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

[mart]

Love that story WhyYou, ahh the wisdom of age!.

[Geezer]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[WhyYou]

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with....
> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> A Misdewiener!

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOL

[WhyYou]

Got this in my email this morning:



A man is driving along a highway


and sees a rabbit jump out


across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it,


but unfortunately


the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,


a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,


pulls over and gets out to see


what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,


the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful


that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman


driving down the highway


sees a man crying on the


side of the road


and pulls over.


She steps out of the car


and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !


he explains,


"I accidentally hit this rabbit


and killed it."


The blonde says,


"Don't worry."


She runs to her car


and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,


bends down,


and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up,


waves its paw at the two of them


and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,


turns around and waves again,


he hops down the road another 10 feet,


turns and waves, hops another ten feet,


turns and waves,


and repeats this again and again and again,


until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.


He runs over to the woman and demands,


"What is in that can?


What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around


so that the man can read the label.


It says..




(Are you ready for this?)











(Are you sure?)






(This is bad!)






(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)






(You know you could just click off


and not read the punch line....)




(You can still delete it)






(You know you're gonna be sorry)







(Last chance)







(OK, here it is)








It says,






"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair,


and adds permanent wave."

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[happy7645]

hhahaha nice joke
But is it only for blondes?
Or isn't?

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by happy7645

hhahaha nice joke
But is it only for blondes?
Or isn't?

Are you blonde?

[WhyYou]

Another one received by email:



There Is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The "Tickle Me Elmo" factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are "Tickle Me Elmo's" all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of "Tickle Me Elmo's." She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

[mart]

Love that one WhyYou.

[Index-of-Beauty Ben]

Roses are black
Violets are black
I'm a zombie and I'm colorblind.

[mart]

Great Chinese proverbs.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick goes hungry.

Man who scratch ***, should not bite fingernails.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It take many nails to make crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

[TheDoctor]

NICE, Mart!

[DWM222]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

[Geezer]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

--------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

---------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

---------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

--------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

---------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

----------------------------------------------

And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[fifty-cycle]

All I can say is that those jokes hit too close to home for me to laugh too hard!!!

[Geezer]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."



Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be inLouisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."





North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"





Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "




***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[mart]

Thanks to you Geezer, i've now got very aching sides.

[TheDoctor]

Lol. Lol. LOL!!!

[Geezer]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[STAR]

So anyway, this girl walked into the joint wearing the tightest pants I'd ever saw. Lots of single guys there, all looking at her, one old codger staring like he saw God and nobody talking to her! I couldn't believe it! So I go over to her, had to ask "How do you get into your pants?" She looked me over, smiled & said "You could start by buying me a drink."

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" -- Woody Allen

[STAR]

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors:

• Put bifocals on. Double-check that you're with the right partner.
• Set the alarm on your clock for 2 minutes. . . in case you doze off in the middle.
• Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
• Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. . . just in case.
• Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

***

There are three kinds of men;

1. The ones who learn by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

***

Sex is now classified as a misdeameanor. . . the more you miss. . . da meaner ya get!

***

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOL

[Tom M]

Thanks for all the jokes people, don't know where you get them but keep them coming. Haven't laughed so much in ages.

[WhyYou]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the Singles Club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....





Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!'

[WhyYou]

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

[WhyYou]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

[WhyYou]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease..

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

[DWM222]

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

[WhyYou]

LOL!!!!

[danielle_ftv]

Originally Posted by DWM222

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.

Oh my...that's funny. But it's true though.

[danielle_ftv]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

I LOVE THIS!!!

[STAR]

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

[STAR]

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

[STAR]

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[STAR]

What does true love feel like?

True love will feel like you're just floating down a lazy river in a water park and no one has peed in it... Not even the babies.

[STAR]

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg

If you haven't grown up by age 50 you don't have to

calories (noun) Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night

Cookie Monster at computer: "DELETE COOKIES?!"

[STAR]

Here's my friend Reannah with her sign on a corner in Tucson yesterday. Click it ::

[STAR]

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up to my door. She knocked...I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, Al "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! Could you watch my dog?"

[Tom M]

That's a good sign Star and the joke's OK too. "They'll" try to control us anyway "they" can. Resist!

[Tom M]

Just noticed that "Capitalization" joke - had me creased up. I've sent it to friends. Thanks.

[Max]

Haha loved that sign. NOTHING is better than free online porn might I add.