Jokes

[Geezer]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[captnjack]

good one geezer!

[Immortal]

I read in a medical pamphlet that drinking alcohol could lead to serious health complications even death. i was so scared that i've vowed never to read again.

[WilliamHotothavoma]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? written by kids

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to f ind out later who youre stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both dont want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 isnt she a treasure

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyre rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Its the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 bless you child

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNT GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
LINKS REMOVED BY MODERATOR.

[mart]

Here's some of my favourite classic sketches from some classic English comedy series.


The Two Ronnies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Tommy Cooper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Eq5Xn23h8

The Morecombe and Wise show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFgdhZGLJrY

[MISSY]

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!!

[captnjack]

good one Missy

[tigger]

Originally Posted by MISSY

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!!

Hay I resemble that!!

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email from a friend!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[mart]

Father,o,Connor keeps chickens behind the church in a coop, one Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the **** has gone missing.
He knows there's cocking fighting in the village.
So at mass he asks the congregration "has anyone got a ****?"
all the men stand up,
" no i meant has anyone seen a ****?"
all the women stand up " no no i meant has anyone seen my ****?".
16 alter boys 2 priests and a goat stood up.



Wen i was kid, mum wud send me to the shops with 50p
I cud get a wham bar, a bag of crisps, a comic book and a bottle of fizzy pop
and still come home with loads of change.
U can't do that these days...and why?







F**king CCTV

[captnjack]

Liked the first one Mart!

[Texasdrake]

Also think the first one was good Mart.My question is...what was the goat doing in the church?

[laranger]

Silly TD; it's obvious he was there for confession.

[tigger]

thats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.lol

[mart]

Originally Posted by laranger

Silly TD; it's obvious he was there for confession.

Originally Posted by tigger

thats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.lol

I didn't think it was gonna be an ongoing joking!.

Anyway the goat was in the church, because he strayed from the herd! and now regrets it because he went the wrong way.

[mart]

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

[Immortal]

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar. "What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and tied her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

[captnjack]

That was funny Immortal.

[mart]

LMAO!!! Immortal!.

[Immortal]

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.”

The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

[mart]

I love childish jokes too.

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Father: How were the exam questions ?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test ?
Son: Absence
Father: You were absent on the day of the test ?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was !

[captnjack]

These really work!! Amazingly simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Immortal]

Originally Posted by captnjack

These really work!! Amazingly simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

LMAO!! Good ones captnjack, I'm going to try all of them!

[Robert]

Not sure why we have so many jokes about church/heaven/hell in here, but might as well continue the theme.

The was a pastor of a church in New Orleans. He a and a few members were in the church when the hurricane Katrina hit and the flood waters started rising. They climbed up to the 2nd floor and holed out for a while as the waters continued to rise. A boat came by and the others were rescued, but the pastor said "Don't worry about me, God will save me." So the boat went on. Later the water had risen above the second floor and another boat came and the captain said "Come quickly, the water is still rising." The pastor replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." As the waters continued to rise he climbed up to the steeple, and a helicopter flew by offering him a last chance at rescue, again he replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." Later his strength gave out and he slipped off the steeple and into the floodwaters where he drowned. Arriving in heaven, he told St. Peter he had a question for God. So when he got to talk to God, he asked, "You said you would save me from the storm, what happened there?" God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

[laranger]

Well, that made me blow coffee through my nose. <sigh> Ruined another keyboard. El Oh Ell

[mart]

Good one Robert, Laranger you know you shouldn't be drinking coffee when your on the jokes thread!, that's just asking for trouble!.

[DWM222]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[tigger]

An officer from the AIR FORCE walked into the bathroom and went to the bathroom, then a Marine walked in and took as piss the Air Force guy went over and washed his hands , the Marine just headed for the door. The Air Force guy said at West Point they taught us to wash our hands! Ther Marine said at boot camp they taught us not to pee on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.

Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Here's some funny bumper stickers quotes.

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

My other girlfriend is beautiful.

This car is protected by Smith and Wesson.

Make love not war - see driver for details.

If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Lost your cat? Look under my wheels.

Go ahead and hit me, I need the money.

No radio--already stolen.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

[WhyYou]

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his rusty old John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Ole' says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said it would help me if I would.... do something sexy to a tractor . "

[DWM222]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[mart]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”



a man goes into a bar with his younger brother and orders two drinks. The bar-man says “that’ll be €10 please”. The mans brother says he’ll pay and put’s ten buttons on the bar.
The barman isnt too happy and is about to ask them to leave until the older bro calls the barman aside and tells him how his brother is a bit mad and asks him to play along while keeping a tab.
The barman understands and tells him not to worry so.
After a few drinks the older brother asks if he can pay the bill and thanks the barman for putting up with his bro. The bar man tells him that it comes to €80 all together.

The older brother puts a frisby on the counter and tells the barman to keep the change.

[Immortal]

Originally Posted by mart

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Good one Mart!


.

[mart]

On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller the golfer asks: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replies: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer: "So what's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

[Palanhaar]

Originally Posted by Palanhaar

One old woman went to the doctor with a different kind of gastric problem!!

Old Woman-"Doctor,I don't know whats going on I keep on farting all day long but they don't smell and sound at all,and see I have been sitting before you for last 5 minutes and farted 20 times"
Doctor-"I see!!"
Old Woman-"Then please suggest some medicine!!"
Doctor gave a medicine to the old lady and the next day the lady came to him in anger!!
Old Lady-"Doctor,I don't know what kind of medicine you gave my!!My farts smell so bad now!!"
Doctor-"Ok!!Now,as your nose is working well,its the turn of your Ears!!"

Well Farts are always an issue for a good laugh...What say others...?

[Immortal]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?"

[mart]

LMAO.

Originally Posted by Immortal

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?"

[Texasdrake]

Ok people was wondering where everyone went and why no one's posting.
I;ll post afew Christmas related poems and jokes so you know I'm still here.


Emptying Santa’s Sack

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit

[tigger]

Was that suposed to be funny?

[tigger]

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

LMAO big time!.

[Texasdrake]

Originally Posted by tigger

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

Be funny if the following year he gotten more and better presents and he end up getting the idea you can get better stuff just being a little prick

[tigger]

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke)

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke)

Nearly as bad as these!.

What happens if a dog stays in the sun too long?.
It turns into a hotdog.

Where do pigs keep their savings?.
In the piggybank of cause.

Where do fish keep their savings?.
In the riverbank of cause.

Why did the cow eat a chocolate bar?
Because he wanted to have chocolate milk.

Why was the cow afraid?.
Because he was a cow-ard.

Where do cows go on vacation?.
Cow-lifornia.

I'll stop here, it's getting embarrassing.

[tigger]

Old lady was cruzing down the hall at the nursing home and she saw Laranger siting in a chair and she walks in fromt of him lifts her dress and says supersex. Laranger was quiet for a min. and said ill have the soup!

[WhyYou]

Got this in my email today....

Out Of Order Sign
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer while trying to remove a jammed piece of paper. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...scroll down and see.....

[Padawan]

Just a heads up. This is joke is not intended to be insulting in any way. It's just a little joke, a humor that this Finn likes.

...and God Created Finland.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."

[WhyYou]

LOL...Good one Padawan!

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email today:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.

There was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize... they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.