Jokes

[captnjack]

I liked that one Whyyou!

[DWM222]

Good one Whyyou

[Raymond]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

[FTVfanatic]

Originally Posted by Raymond

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

It's no longer available! What gives?

Seriously, in what way was it funny? Is it something they said about the car?

[mart]

Damn Youtube strikes again with their takedown copyright infringements rules.

Originally Posted by Raymond

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

[mart]

Had to share this one from a friend via an email.


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.

I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Sinseerly,
Tiffanny

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short

I sent a pickture of me.








ReFWMyre.jpg

Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

[DWM222]

Funny..& probably true

[DWM222]

A friend of mine sent me this..I think its a "sound" idea

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Geezer]

LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one
to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same
time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence
can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the
Lab and says....



Liver alone. Cheese mine

[Immortal]

You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

4 The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

(OOHHH i'm gonna get it for this one!)

[ToungeFooMaster]

Originally Posted by tigger

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the hurricane by you?

What Did the Hurricane say to the Palm Tree ???
Hang On To Your Coconut's This is No Ordinary Blow Job !!!

[MISSY]

Your day is comming!!!!!!!!!!

[MISSY]

couldent help my self im realy going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dxhound2003]

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

[Geezer]

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

[Raymond]

Originally Posted by Geezer

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

The pizza comment is classic. haha

[WhyYou]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,'Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'****!' exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[WhyYou]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

[WhyYou]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[WhyYou]

Fred and Larry got married in California

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[MISSY]

lololololololol oh my.

[DWM222]

Good one's whyyou...

[T-bone Thomas]

Great jokes WhyYou! Love them.

[mart]

Wherever you got them joke WhyYou, find some more.

[Texasdrake]

" I'm always amused by foreigners who don't speak the language very well," a man said to his friend."The other day a Chinese hooker who wanted to applaud me for my sexual performance told me,' I give you clap.' "

[tigger]

Love em WhyYou!!!!!!!!

[Geezer]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple minutes ago......”

[Immortal]

Originally Posted by Geezer

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”


“Couple minutes ago......”

LOL.. I am a biker that has been though the black hills too.

[captnjack]

Good one Geezer!

[DWM222]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I
guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

[Max]

Originally Posted by dxhound2003

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

I'm a cat guy, but all of those things are true.

[WhyYou]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?"
The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me? Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[mart]

Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard, "Need twenty 4 X 2's," he says to the yardman.
“Guess you mean 2 X 4's," he grins,” How long do you want them?"
“Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he's building a garage."

Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.
" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."



A woodworker had a neighbor that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day frustrated with this he phoned him.
“Could I put my table saw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.
“Sure," his neighbor replied, " But why?"
“Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.

carpenter, electrician, and plumber working on a job together noticed that the foreman always left on Tuesdays and Thursdays a couple hours early. Since he never came back to the job site they decided on the next Tuesday to leave as well a few minutes after the foreman had departed. The electrician headed for the golf course, the plumber decided to take in a movie, the carpenter decided just to go home and relax. When he entered his house he heard noises coming from the master bedroom, quietly opening the door he was shocked to see the foreman in bed with his wife, he backed away and left the house.

During the first coffee break on the next Thursday the other two guys asked him if he was into leaving early again.

"No way," he exclaimed," Last time I almost got caught."

[laranger]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[tigger]

lolololollololololololol

[Immortal]

# AOL (acronym) - Another Old Link

# Lottery (noun) - a tax on people who are bad at math.

# Freudian Slip (noun) - when you mean to say "Please pass the
salt", but it comes out as "You damn *****, you''ve ruined my life".

# Auto Biography (noun) - The life story of a car.

# Argument (noun) - A discussion that occurs when you''re right, but
she just hasn''t realized it yet.

# Blonde Jokes (noun) - Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.


# Grocery List (noun) - A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing,
and then forgot to take with you to the store.

Accountant (noun) - Someone who solves a problem you didn''t know
you had in a way you don''t understand.

# Toaster (noun) - A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

# Amnesia (noun) - Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to make love again.

[Immortal]

Let''s face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren''t
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren''t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don''t fing, grocers don''t groce
and hammers don''t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn''t the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn''t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn''t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to anasylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at aplay and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn''t a race at all). That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it?

[mart]

Your so right there Immortal, couldn't argue with any of it.

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by laranger

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Sounds like a blonde joke to me!

[MISSY]

Originally Posted by laranger

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

OMG That funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Geezer]

Since it is almost tax season, I thought this was sort of appropriate.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back to
the manufacture, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

[Geezer]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by Geezer

Since it is almost tax season, I thought this was sort of appropriate.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back to
the manufacture, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

Good one Geezer I have heard it befoe but it is just as funny the second time!

[mart]

Come on guys, this thread isn't nothing to laugh about, oh sorry it is, carry on!.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[tigger]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?



may take me a min to get hard I just got layed!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He didn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. This protects it from the rain' and he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike there. But just before they entered the house, Sandra stopped him and said, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he said. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.

They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

So he leaned over and kissed Sandra. No one said a word.

So he reached over and fondled her breasts. Still, nobody said a word.

So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and screwed her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

He looked at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabbed the mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend was furious and her dad was boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the damn dishes!!!

[mart]

Great joke WhyYou.

[Geezer]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."