ATM...... really?

[RonTheLogician]

At long last! A solution to the riddle of supporting your penchant for ATM without alienating fans: Just work out a deal with Caroline's angel, whose good deeds are described in the zipped mp3 audio file here.

[RonTheLogician]

It seems that those naughty boys and girls at Le Sexoflex have a rad music video here appropriate for this thread, which makes us wonder if ATM is related to sploshing. Decide for yourself!

[RonTheLogician]

Our old friend Ivor Biggun has something to contribute to the discussion here as well. Let's return to the days of The James Whale Show on Britain's Yorkshire Television in 1989, here, wherein Ivor's band offers a bluesy celebration of him being "public enema number one" and a "man of effluence"!

[RonTheLogician]

Hi Dani,

Kermit says that if you can't find a stuffed animal to penetrate with your dildo, so that you have something more sanitary to suck on than by doing ATM, he is willing to let you peg him instead.

Gosh, what would Miss Piggy say?

[RonTheLogician]

I am disappointed that it is hard to find a Medical Doctor offering an opinion via the Internet concerning the physical health hazards of ATM and the most effective regimen to minimize and monitor them.

I've located a couple of discussion threads on WebMD which address the topic, but neither are these edited by medical professionals nor the credentials of those posting authenticated. Anyway, find them here and here.

[RonTheLogician]

You know, I had thought that with my previous posts, I had finally put the whole ATM thing behind me (if you forgive the pun). But no! Last night I had a dream - really a nightmare - and the issue once again reared its ugly (and probably uncircumscised) head to nag at me.

Thank goodness dreams aren't real! This one began with you on your knees in your room, giving head to a boy. You were in your Girl Scout uniform, and your Mom walked in, wearing her own Scoutmistress uniform. I guess you guys had recently come back from a den meeting, but I don't know for sure, because dreams don't have a rewind button like some TiVoed HBO program.

Anyway, Mom is terribly shocked at what she sees and shouts "X! (using your real name, which I could not make out because it's a secret, after all) What in the WORLD do you think you're doing, young lady?"

You earnestly and respectfully reply "It's okay, Mom. I've been acquainted with Dick for a long time. And until you walked in on us, we were hidden from everyone's view. It's not as if we're doing this out in the open... or taping a porn movie for public consumption! Just because I do something intimate in private life, doesn't mean that I'd tell ANYONE, not even my BFF, much less wantonly put it on display for the whole world to slobber over in some commercial film. I thought you knew me better than that!"

"But dear," your Mom continues, blushing deeply while still trying to remain composed, "you may indeed have known Dick for a long time by now", pointing at your guest, "but you still don't know where his, umm, thing has been, do you?"

"First off," you answer, a bit more indignantly this time, "his name is NOT Dick. It's Steven... or Stanley... well anyway, its starts with an S for sure!" Then, taking a deep breath, you declare, "and I do SO know where his 'thing' has been. Only minutes ago it had been shoved all the way up the place where I poop from - for maybe a quarter of an hour!"

At that, your Mom's anxiety evaporates and she sighs, "Oh, thank goodness!"

Then I started to wake up, try as I might to find out what happens next.

But believe me, I don't want to go through an experience like this again. So, at long last, I think I've worked out a scheme that will put the ATM issue to rest once and for all!

What got me thinking was the laser treatments you've been taking to remove your tattoos. Knowing how much girls of your generation like piercings as well, I asked myself, what if they just turned up the laser a lot and drilled a hole in your belly so that they could section your intestines and perform a simple laproscopic colonostomy procedure! Next time one of your girlfriends boasted about her new belly ring piercing, you could tartly one-up her with, "BFD, I've had them do an actual belly piercing!"

Since you could then eliminate directly from your belly, you could clean out your rectum once and for all and never again worry about fecal contamination! And no more scrupulous, time-consuming, rectal sanitation rituals! You know what they say: "With friends like a colonostomy bag, who need enemas?"

And today's bags NO LONGER need be the dowdy medical appliances of yesterday. No, they can become your favorite HIGH FASHION accessory, as evidenced by the fetching (or is that felching?), sexy photograph below! In your place, I'd start listing some on your Amazon gift list even before you schedule the surgery.

Damned if you'd want Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian stealing your thunder as a stylish trend-setter. F U C K! That publicity whore Kimmie/Kiki/whatever JUST TODAY tried to upstage you and steal the thunder of your recent shoot in Florence by marrying Kanye there!

P.S. I don't begin to understand why an accomplished black man like Kanye West would want to marry a white woman, who, with her two sisters, together use the three first initials K-K-K! Maybe Kim really is the "perfect b_itch," as Kanye calls her, but then again, isn't that what OJ used to call the late Nicole? In any case, Kanye should keep his cool if the marriage doesn't work out. Should the time come that Kim can't get him off anymore, her Dad is no longer alive to get him off, either!

[RonTheLogician]

Hey Dani,

This is my hundredth post, in recognition of which I will now be promoted into the category of In Love With Danielle. May I prove worthy of the title....

You know, long ago, when I was a lad, the Christmas season only began with Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in New York City, broadcast nationwide across the USA, at the end of which Santa would appear, riding in his reindeer-drawn sleigh. The season has always been a gold-rush for retailers, so it is hardly surprising that over the years they would be tempted to do absolutely anything to extend it, in hopes of bigger profits. So now, practically the day Halloween is over, up go the Xmas decorations! And I say, hell, why wait even that long? With Labor Day now a memory, why not just begin the Happiest Time of Year at once!!! Yay!!!!

We, your fans, know you are an incurable bookworm. So it would be a big surprise to us if you weren't keen to gobble down all the Charles Dick-Ends you could! Therefore, I will now whip out the old Yule log and wave it in your face, in the hopes that you never, ever land up Scrooged!!!

I'm your worry-wart fan: You know, the one who is fearful you'll shove the Chrysler Building up your a$$ or land up poisoning yourself with your very own colon's microbes. So now I bring you early warning of where your increasingly wanton ways may lead you in the future, with the help of the Spirit-of-Porn-Christmas-Yet-To-Come (again-and-again!)

Aside: We all know your real name isn't Danielle, and since the Spirit doesn't want to blow your cover, the prophetic vision it offers calls you Amy (also NOT your real name!) Amy means "beloved" and has almost the same spelling as the word for "friend" in France, the famed home of your beloved fleur-de-lis, you crazy "Loosiana" baby girl!!!

Beware!!! Beware!!! Find the vision here.