Jokes

[Texasdrake]

If that cat was like the one my cousin had.It was trained to use the toilet like humans.Only thing it couldn't do was flush afterwards.Would be a funny sight to see if Tigger's cat can do the same and being able to flush afterwards.

[tigger]

No he playes in the water they love the water. If you run bath water have to shut the door or he gets in the tub.this is a photo of him playing with jeff .

[tigger]

If you want to see somthing cute. Go on youtube and go to spotsallover. It is the lady we got pouncer from the cat in the videos is pouncers brother

[laranger]

I'm two months pregnant now Dr. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

[laranger]

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit.
Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me.
I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal.
I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour.
When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over.
The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car.
Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home.
Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop
and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

[laranger]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[WhyYou]

LOLOLOL...laranger, you're on a roll...3 good ones in a row....LOLOLOL!!!

[Max]

This is a really dumb joke but i'm gonna tell it anyways.
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common
A: They have the same middle name

[The Deuce]

A grass hopper hops into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we got drink named after you." The grass hopper looks at him in amazement and says, " No ****, you gotta drink named Bob?"

[Max]

I hope this joke doesn't get me banned, but I'm going to tell it.

Three first graders are on a playground, an asian kid, a black kid, and a red neck. The asian says "OK, we're going to pull out our ***** and see whose is the biggest." The asian kid pulls his **** out, and the other two say "that's pretty impressive." The black kid pulls his **** out and the other two say "whoa even bigger." The red neck pulls his out, and the other two say "OK, no fair." The redneck went home and said "Ma I wun biggest penis in skool, cuz I waz a red neck." Then his mother says "No honey, that's because you're 35."

[Max]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says "why the long face."

[voncroy10]

Gender Designation... Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

[DWM222]

This really works!

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a big box of chocolates.

You have no idea how F@$king good I feel right now....

[seshu]

good one. Very nice joke.


Moderator removed link

[FTVfanatic]

[quote=seshu;15105]good one. Very nice joke.

quote]

I suspect you are spamming us. Again.

Most certainly nobody should click seshu's link. It smells like spam and malware.

[rebel]

LOL these jokes are great

[STAR]

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

[cwill498]

Originally Posted by STAR

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

I enjoyed that one STAR.

[STAR]

http://www.youtube.com/user/dailygrace/featured

[DWM222]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.