Jokes

[Immortal]

Originally Posted by captnjack

These really work!! Amazingly simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

LMAO!! Good ones captnjack, I'm going to try all of them!

[Robert]

Not sure why we have so many jokes about church/heaven/hell in here, but might as well continue the theme.

The was a pastor of a church in New Orleans. He a and a few members were in the church when the hurricane Katrina hit and the flood waters started rising. They climbed up to the 2nd floor and holed out for a while as the waters continued to rise. A boat came by and the others were rescued, but the pastor said "Don't worry about me, God will save me." So the boat went on. Later the water had risen above the second floor and another boat came and the captain said "Come quickly, the water is still rising." The pastor replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." As the waters continued to rise he climbed up to the steeple, and a helicopter flew by offering him a last chance at rescue, again he replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." Later his strength gave out and he slipped off the steeple and into the floodwaters where he drowned. Arriving in heaven, he told St. Peter he had a question for God. So when he got to talk to God, he asked, "You said you would save me from the storm, what happened there?" God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

[laranger]

Well, that made me blow coffee through my nose. <sigh> Ruined another keyboard. El Oh Ell

[mart]

Good one Robert, Laranger you know you shouldn't be drinking coffee when your on the jokes thread!, that's just asking for trouble!.

[DWM222]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[tigger]

An officer from the AIR FORCE walked into the bathroom and went to the bathroom, then a Marine walked in and took as piss the Air Force guy went over and washed his hands , the Marine just headed for the door. The Air Force guy said at West Point they taught us to wash our hands! Ther Marine said at boot camp they taught us not to pee on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.

Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Here's some funny bumper stickers quotes.

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

My other girlfriend is beautiful.

This car is protected by Smith and Wesson.

Make love not war - see driver for details.

If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Lost your cat? Look under my wheels.

Go ahead and hit me, I need the money.

No radio--already stolen.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.