Jokes

[laranger]

Ok, I start this "Fred" since no one else has yet.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[tigger]

I love it. I e-mailed that one to the fire cheef back home.

[DWM222]

Good one laranger

[Texasdrake]

A hung over guy walks into his kitchen moaning and shaking his head.His Roommate who was cooking breakfast asks him what was wrong.He told him that he went to a party in the neighborhood last night and he lost his wallet there.The problem was he was too drunk to remeber which house the party was held at.

Roommate: Do you remember anything about the house? since the party was in the neighborhood it shouldn't be that hard to find.

Hung over guy: Well I remember the house had a set of deer antlers on the front door.

Roommate:Ok was there anything else you remember?

Hunged over guy: I remember there were red curtains in the living room... Oh yeah they also had a gold metal toilet.

Roommate: Well that house shouldn't be that hard to find.

After they drove around the neighborhood for a while they spotted a house with a set of deer antlers on the front door.they walked up and knocked on the door.A woman in a bathrobe and her hair in curlers answered the door.
The hunged over guy looked at the woman and then at his roommate.

Roommate: Well go ahead and asked her.

Hunged over guy: Ma'am did you have a party here last night?

Woman: (In a foul mood) Yeah so what?

Hunged over guy: Do you also have red curtains in the living room?

Woman: (Mood getting worst) Yeah, so what is it to you?

Hunged over guy: (getting excited) Do you also have a gold metal Toilet?

The woman had a disgusted look on her face,looked the guy over and then turns towards the inside of the house.

Woman: (yelling) Honey we found the ******* who crapped in your Tuba!!!

[WhyYou]

Ok...I'm already laughing uncontrolably...LOL...good jokes guys! Thank you laranger, for starting this thread! LOL!!!!

[tigger]

I was checking sarahs my space page and found this photo of me at old butler days in aug. She asked me to do the chicken thing so i put a rubber glove on my head. She put this on her my space page.

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by tigger

I was checking sarahs my space page and found this photo of me at old butler days in aug. She asked me to do the chicken thing so i put a rubber glove on my head. She put this on her my space page.

Where's your feathers?

[mart]

Great jokes lads!. This is one i posted on Alison's forum and it's one of my favourites

Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get ******** til they marry.

[Texasdrake]

A man was sitting on a park bench,reading a newspaper.Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, " All politicians are ********".
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said," I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. " Are you a politician?"
"No," he replied, " I'm an *******."

[tigger]

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the huricane by you?

[ToungeFooMaster]

Originally Posted by tigger

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the hurricane by you?

What Did the Hurricane say to the Palm Tree ???
Hang On To Your Coconut's This is No Ordinary Blow Job !!!

[Texasdrake]

An old man shuffled carefully into an ice cream parlor.He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool.After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.As the waitress fixed the order she asked, " Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, " Hemorrhoids."



An old man hadn't been able to hear for years.He finally went to see a doctor,who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing.A month later the man returned for a follow-up.
"Your family must be really happy you can hear again," the doctor said.
" Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. " I just sit around and listen to them talk.So far I've changed my will three times."

[Texasdrake]

Tigger we're having alot of rain.The hurricane not suppose to hit Texas till this weekend

[geolarson2]

Here's one with an Arizona connection:

Its been well over a hundred years since the Indian Wars ended, but some folks just won't let go until every "renegade" is accounted for. An example of that is the Arizona Department of Transportation. All over the Superstition, Gila and other mountain ranges, they have posted signs telling drivers to watch out for this particular chief from yesteryear. So what does the sign say? "Watch Out For Falling Rocks." Some folks just don;t know when to call it quits ...

[laranger]

Post your accomplishments.

[WhyYou]

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

[Geezer]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

Just as soon as an email notified me of this "new thread entry" I jumped on the URL. Wow, that IS pretty funny. The moment I finished viewing it, I forwarded it to about 50 people on my email distribution list.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

That's a really funny version of "Noah's Ark" WhyYou.

[MISSY]

That is so funny. And true too!!!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them are in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:

You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, the head and the ***** are interchangeable, and you get the same material discharged from either end.

[mart]

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
Are one-handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
Do cementry workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if your in hell and your mad at someone,where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something out of whack? what is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?
If a pig loses it's voice,is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a "broker"?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is a race car driver not called a racist?
IF Fex-Ex and UPs were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, quit while your ahead?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
When signwriters go on strike, what is on their signs?
How can sweet and sour be sweet and sour at the same time?
Did Noah keep his bees in the archives?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
How comes no one says "it's only a game" when their team is winning?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does that mean electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

[voncroy10]

really amusing
i've got one
if you tried to fail and you succeed what did you achieve?

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by mart

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

[DWM222]

> From: xxx xxxx<xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
> Subject: Installing Husband 1.0
> Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 08:01:33 -0800
>
>
> Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Porn 6.9.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Girlfriend 2.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Boob Job 3.8.DD.
Good Luck Babe! Tech Support
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> You live life beyond your PC. So now Windows goes beyond your PC.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

I wish i hadn't included that one.

[Geezer]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ' Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? '

The parrot says, ' I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '

' Holy crap, ' the guy replies. ' You actually understood and answered me! '

' I got every word, ' says the parrot. ' I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird '

' Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, ' Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '

' Well, ' the parrot says, ' this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. '

' Wow, ' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ' Sorry, but I just can't afford that. '

' Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I' m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! '

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ' Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. ' I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.. '

' What are you talking about? ' asks the guy.

' When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. '

' WHAT??? ' the guy asks incredulously.. ' THEN what happened? '

' Well, then the UPS man came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, ' reported the parrot.

' NO! ' he exclaims. ' And she let him? '

' Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... '

Then the frantic guy demands, ' THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '

' Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[HEMI6point1]

Because once a mistake is made, it's here forever...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plboBPJWFDs - note the location of the MIC!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgBkl...response_watch - him trying to explain it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYqXZ...om=PL&index=24 - yes, this was live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP-rcMDJfYU -he got fired for this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzUKM...e=channel_page - Notice her cute smile when she realizes her Oops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9GxN...e=channel_page - "That is not the right video," lol.

Sorry meant to say "news" in the title.

[mart]

There's some funny clips there HEM1point1, thanks. Although these may get moved to the jokes thread. As any funny videos are posted in the jokes thread and your'll find lots more funny videos there.

[Raymond]

WOW!!!

I just found this awesome tribute video with some sexy outtakes from FTVGirls

ENJOY!!! and Happy Thanksgiving

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69uay...layer_embedded

[FTVGirls_Rob]

worse than a rickroll!

[TJHooker]

I agree with Rob. Raymond, to the corner and no giblets for you!

[grande351]

"As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly"

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafYtDe.html

[tigger]

Turkeys can fly quite well. they fly over the lake to get to the corn fields all the time.

[Dilbert49]

Originally Posted by grande351

"As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly"

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafYtDe.html

Yes! One of the funniest lines ever delivered on a TV sitcom! Even reading it here makes me laugh again.

[Needle]

Hot! I am masturbating furiously.

[mart]

Originally Posted by Raymond

WOW!!!

I just found this awesome tribute video with some sexy outtakes from FTVGirls

ENJOY!!! and Happy Thanksgiving

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69uay...layer_embedded

I'm sure i could do a better one than that!.

[DWM222]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

[captnjack]

that was funny DMW222

[mart]

Funniest joke i've heard in a long time DWM222.

[Natal]

You woke up one morning and found your car looking like this....

[laranger]

DAMN; I hope I remembered to put the top up last night!!!

[tigger]

Thats one of them crall back into bed days!!!!!!!!!!!!

[eastbill]

i would say its time to move.

[Max]

Originally Posted by tigger

Thats one of them crall back into bed days!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even think you could get in your car

[mart]

Mmmmm...taxi!!!

That'll teach him not to put the antifreeze in.

[Raymond]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

[FTVfanatic]

Originally Posted by Raymond

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

It's no longer available! What gives?

Seriously, in what way was it funny? Is it something they said about the car?

[mart]

Damn Youtube strikes again with their takedown copyright infringements rules.

Originally Posted by Raymond

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjdsp...ayer_embedded#

[mart]

Had to share this one from a friend via an email.


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.

I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Sinseerly,
Tiffanny

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short

I sent a pickture of me.








ReFWMyre.jpg

Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.