[RonTheLogician]

You know, I had thought that with my previous posts, I had finally put the whole ATM thing behind me (if you forgive the pun). But no! Last night I had a dream - really a nightmare - and the issue once again reared its ugly (and probably uncircumscised) head to nag at me.

Thank goodness dreams aren't real! This one began with you on your knees in your room, giving head to a boy. You were in your Girl Scout uniform, and your Mom walked in, wearing her own Scoutmistress uniform. I guess you guys had recently come back from a den meeting, but I don't know for sure, because dreams don't have a rewind button like some TiVoed HBO program.

Anyway, Mom is terribly shocked at what she sees and shouts "X! (using your real name, which I could not make out because it's a secret, after all) What in the WORLD do you think you're doing, young lady?"

You earnestly and respectfully reply "It's okay, Mom. I've been acquainted with Dick for a long time. And until you walked in on us, we were hidden from everyone's view. It's not as if we're doing this out in the open... or taping a porn movie for public consumption! Just because I do something intimate in private life, doesn't mean that I'd tell ANYONE, not even my BFF, much less wantonly put it on display for the whole world to slobber over in some commercial film. I thought you knew me better than that!"

"But dear," your Mom continues, blushing deeply while still trying to remain composed, "you may indeed have known Dick for a long time by now", pointing at your guest, "but you still don't know where his, umm, thing has been, do you?"

"First off," you answer, a bit more indignantly this time, "his name is NOT Dick. It's Steven... or Stanley... well anyway, its starts with an S for sure!" Then, taking a deep breath, you declare, "and I do SO know where his 'thing' has been. Only minutes ago it had been shoved all the way up the place where I poop from - for maybe a quarter of an hour!"

At that, your Mom's anxiety evaporates and she sighs, "Oh, thank goodness!"

Then I started to wake up, try as I might to find out what happens next.

But believe me, I don't want to go through an experience like this again. So, at long last, I think I've worked out a scheme that will put the ATM issue to rest once and for all!

What got me thinking was the laser treatments you've been taking to remove your tattoos. Knowing how much girls of your generation like piercings as well, I asked myself, what if they just turned up the laser a lot and drilled a hole in your belly so that they could section your intestines and perform a simple laproscopic colonostomy procedure! Next time one of your girlfriends boasted about her new belly ring piercing, you could tartly one-up her with, "BFD, I've had them do an actual belly piercing!"

Since you could then eliminate directly from your belly, you could clean out your rectum once and for all and never again worry about fecal contamination! And no more scrupulous, time-consuming, rectal sanitation rituals! You know what they say: "With friends like a colonostomy bag, who need enemas?"

And today's bags NO LONGER need be the dowdy medical appliances of yesterday. No, they can become your favorite HIGH FASHION accessory, as evidenced by the fetching (or is that felching?), sexy photograph below! In your place, I'd start listing some on your Amazon gift list even before you schedule the surgery.

Damned if you'd want Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian stealing your thunder as a stylish trend-setter. F U C K! That publicity whore Kimmie/Kiki/whatever JUST TODAY tried to upstage you and steal the thunder of your recent shoot in Florence by marrying Kanye there!

P.S. I don't begin to understand why an accomplished black man like Kanye West would want to marry a white woman, who, with her two sisters, together use the three first initials K-K-K! Maybe Kim really is the "perfect b_itch," as Kanye calls her, but then again, isn't that what OJ used to call the late Nicole? In any case, Kanye should keep his cool if the marriage doesn't work out. Should the time come that Kim can't get him off anymore, her Dad is no longer alive to get him off, either!