Jokes
 

Ok, I start this "Fred" since no one else has yet.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

I love it. I e-mailed that one to the fire cheef back home.

Good one laranger

Golden Crapper
 

A hung over guy walks into his kitchen moaning and shaking his head.His Roommate who was cooking breakfast asks him what was wrong.He told him that he went to a party in the neighborhood last night and he lost his wallet there.The problem was he was too drunk to remeber which house the party was held at.

Roommate: Do you remember anything about the house? since the party was in the neighborhood it shouldn't be that hard to find.

Hung over guy: Well I remember the house had a set of deer antlers on the front door.

Roommate:Ok was there anything else you remember?

Hunged over guy: I remember there were red curtains in the living room... Oh yeah they also had a gold metal toilet.

Roommate: Well that house shouldn't be that hard to find.

After they drove around the neighborhood for a while they spotted a house with a set of deer antlers on the front door.they walked up and knocked on the door.A woman in a bathrobe and her hair in curlers answered the door.
The hunged over guy looked at the woman and then at his roommate.

Roommate: Well go ahead and asked her.

Hunged over guy: Ma'am did you have a party here last night?

Woman: (In a foul mood) Yeah so what?

Hunged over guy: Do you also have red curtains in the living room?

Woman: (Mood getting worst) Yeah, so what is it to you?

Hunged over guy: (getting excited) Do you also have a gold metal Toilet?

The woman had a disgusted look on her face,looked the guy over and then turns towards the inside of the house.

Woman: (yelling) Honey we found the ******* who crapped in your Tuba!!!

Ok...I'm already laughing uncontrolably...LOL...good jokes guys! Thank you laranger, for starting this thread! LOL!!!! :D

I was checking sarahs my space page and found this photo of me at old butler days in aug. She asked me to do the chicken thing so i put a rubber glove on my head. She put this on her my space page.

A man was sitting on a park bench,reading a newspaper.Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, " All politicians are ********".
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said," I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. " Are you a politician?"
"No," he replied, " I'm an *******."

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the huricane by you?

Old Man jokes
 

An old man shuffled carefully into an ice cream parlor.He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool.After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.As the waitress fixed the order she asked, " Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, " Hemorrhoids."



An old man hadn't been able to hear for years.He finally went to see a doctor,who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing.A month later the man returned for a follow-up.
"Your family must be really happy you can hear again," the doctor said.
" Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. " I just sit around and listen to them talk.So far I've changed my will three times."

Tigger we're having alot of rain.The hurricane not suppose to hit Texas till this weekend

The last Hurricane gave us alot of high winds and blew off some metal siding on the office tower I work in.

What's more romantic than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.

What is the difference between " oooooh" and "aaaaaaaah" ?

About three inches.

Ok Ok you guys probably tired of reading my jokes...last one..for the night. :D

A man and a woman were arguing about which gender enjoys sex the most.
"Men obviously enjoy sex more," the man said. "Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"Well," replied the woman,"think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,which feels better,your finger or your ear?"

I can see I'm gonna enjoy this thread..good ones :)

Haha you guys are funny...yeah and unfortunately I tell the worst jokes on earth so I will leave that up to you guys.

LOL...good jokes Texasdrake! :D

I hope you come out well from Hurricane Ike. The storm is currently gaining power over the Carribbian (I know I spelled that wrong...lol). Maybe it'll hit down in Mexico and leave our country alone, we've already had a recent bad one in that general area (Texas/Louisianna).

Where's your feathers? :D

Great jokes lads!. This is one i posted on Alison's forum and it's one of my favourites

Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get ******** til they marry.:D

keep them comming, love them all.

Well looks like its time for a new round of jokes. I would do some blond jokes but don't want Sweet Danielle getting the wrong impression. :D

A man went to the doctor for a simple vasectomy.When he awoke after the porcedure the doctor was standing over him with a worried look.
"I have some bad news," the doctor said."I completely botched your surgery,and we had to go ahead and give you a full sex change.You now have a vagina."
"Oh my God," the man said. "So you mean to tell me I will never experience another erection for as long as I live?"
"Oh you will experience an erection," the doctor said,"just not yours."

ow ow ow ow ow

After an operation,a man came out of the anesthesia to find his wife by his bedside.He opened his eyes and murmured,"You're beautiful."
Flattered,she continued her vigil after he drifted back to sleep.He woke up again and said, "you're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" she asked.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

A pair of newlyweds were preparing for bed.As they were undressing,the husband,a big burly man,tossed his trousers to his new bride.
"Here put these on," he said.She put them on,and the waist was twice the size of hers. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"Thats right," said the husband,"and don't you ever forget it.I'm the one who wears the pants in this marriage."
With that,she flipped him her panties and said," Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could get the underwear only as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
"Thats right," she replied, "and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Your just full of them. Most i hear i wouldent repeat on here. So has ike blown your skirt up yet?

No its not here yet. Not suppose to hit my area till early Sunday morning.

We'll have to appoint Texasdrake the message board Jokester...LOL!

Good jokes Texasdrake! Im still laughing...lololol!! :D

There i was surrounded by the enemy. Running low on ammo. Just then , my squad leader kicked in the door. He screemed " hey stupid" get off the dam playtation and get down to the kitchen!!!!!:d

LOL!!! Good one tigger...LOLOLOL!!!! :D

One of the guys at quonico e-mailed that to me.

Pet rules
 

I don't think I ever posted this one on the other message board.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - their nose height.


Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
'fur-niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember : Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:


01. Eat less
02. Don't ask for money all the time
03. Are easier to train
04. Normally come when called
05. Never ask to drive the car
06. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
07. Don't smoke or drink
08. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
09. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need $$$$ for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

:D

I love it. Im going to send that to sarah. Pouncer neeeds to read that.

Pouncer will probably take one look at it and go stretch out on your bed with his tongue hanging out and his tail as long as possible...just to spite you..LOL!!! :D

he usaly sleeps with sarah. But if im home and she isnt he will curl up with me. He likes to curl up in a ball by my chest. But if you scratch his belly he will love you forever.

WhyYou that was a good one.Being a big animal lover...love it. :D

Here pouncer is sleeping with jeff the boy sarah babysits

And the fridg. That bowl of meat he knows that is his. He gets it 3 times a week. If you click on the photo it brings it up in a bigger window.

How could anyone not love that big cat?:D...unless that person gets surprised in the middle of the night...having a cat that size jump on you from out of nowhere without any warning...in the dark...would scare anyone right out of their drawers...LOL!

I imagine he makes a good watch-cat...especially with where you live...way up in the TN mountains. :)

The guy from the gas company that came to relight the furnce and pouncer stuck his head in there with him to see what he was doing. Sarah thought she was going to have to call 911 for the guy. He was white as a gost and holding his chest. 44lbs and 24in at the shoulders. And he thinks he belongs on your lap everytime you sit down. But he is a big baby. He is just like a regular cat just 3 times the size.

Thats a Big cat.Hate to think how big it's litter box is. :D

I believe his litter box is as big as the outdoors! lol! :)

He uses a regular litterbox. But he has a pen out side 20x30 and he does most of his bissness out there. There is a doggy door for him to get out there, cat door was too small. He has a thing on his collar that unlocks it so only he can get in and out. It is chain link so he cant get out of the pen.thats a $1200 cat im not letting it get out. Sarah takes him out on a leach once in a while.

If that cat was like the one my cousin had.It was trained to use the toilet like humans.Only thing it couldn't do was flush afterwards.Would be a funny sight to see if Tigger's cat can do the same and being able to flush afterwards. :D

No he playes in the water they love the water. If you run bath water have to shut the door or he gets in the tub.this is a photo of him playing with jeff .

If you want to see somthing cute. Go on youtube and go to spotsallover. It is the lady we got pouncer from the cat in the videos is pouncers brother

I'm two months pregnant now Dr. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit.
Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me.
I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal.
I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour.
When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over.
The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car.
Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home.
Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop
and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"