I'm a cat guy, but all of those things are true.

Baked Beans
 

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?"
The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me? Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard, "Need twenty 4 X 2's," he says to the yardman.
“Guess you mean 2 X 4's," he grins,” How long do you want them?"
“Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he's building a garage."

Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.
" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."



A woodworker had a neighbor that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day frustrated with this he phoned him.
“Could I put my table saw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.
“Sure," his neighbor replied, " But why?"
“Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.

carpenter, electrician, and plumber working on a job together noticed that the foreman always left on Tuesdays and Thursdays a couple hours early. Since he never came back to the job site they decided on the next Tuesday to leave as well a few minutes after the foreman had departed. The electrician headed for the golf course, the plumber decided to take in a movie, the carpenter decided just to go home and relax. When he entered his house he heard noises coming from the master bedroom, quietly opening the door he was shocked to see the foreman in bed with his wife, he backed away and left the house.

During the first coffee break on the next Thursday the other two guys asked him if he was into leaving early again.

"No way," he exclaimed," Last time I almost got caught."

A few funny definitions
 

# AOL (acronym) - Another Old Link

# Lottery (noun) - a tax on people who are bad at math.

# Freudian Slip (noun) - when you mean to say "Please pass the
salt", but it comes out as "You damn *****, you''ve ruined my life".

# Auto Biography (noun) - The life story of a car.

# Argument (noun) - A discussion that occurs when you''re right, but
she just hasn''t realized it yet.

# Blonde Jokes (noun) - Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.


# Grocery List (noun) - A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing,
and then forgot to take with you to the store.

Accountant (noun) - Someone who solves a problem you didn''t know
you had in a way you don''t understand.

# Toaster (noun) - A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

# Amnesia (noun) - Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to make love again.

English is a crazy language.
 

Let''s face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren''t
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren''t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don''t fing, grocers don''t groce
and hammers don''t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn''t the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn''t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn''t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to anasylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at aplay and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn''t a race at all). That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it?

Your so right there Immortal, couldn't argue with any of it.:D

Sounds like a blonde joke to me!

OMG That funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

Since it is almost tax season, I thought this was sort of appropriate.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back to
the manufacture, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Good one Geezer I have heard it befoe but it is just as funny the second time!

Come on guys, this thread isn't nothing to laugh about, oh sorry it is, carry on!.:D

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?



may take me a min to get hard I just got layed!!!!!!

Vaseline on the chrome
 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He didn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. This protects it from the rain' and he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike there. But just before they entered the house, Sandra stopped him and said, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he said. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.

They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

So he leaned over and kissed Sandra. No one said a word.

So he reached over and fondled her breasts. Still, nobody said a word.

So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and screwed her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

He looked at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabbed the mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend was furious and her dad was boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the damn dishes!!!

Great joke WhyYou.:D:D

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Male or Female?
 

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

good one geezer!

I read in a medical pamphlet that drinking alcohol could lead to serious health complications even death. i was so scared that i've vowed never to read again.

What to do in NY
 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? written by kids

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to f ind out later who youre stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both dont want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 isnt she a treasure

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyre rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Its the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 bless you child

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNT GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
LINKS REMOVED BY MODERATOR.

Here's some of my favourite classic sketches from some classic English comedy series.:D


The Two Ronnies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Tommy Cooper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Eq5Xn23h8

The Morecombe and Wise show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFgdhZGLJrY

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!! :D

good one Missy

Hay I resemble that!!:p

Got this one in an email from a friend!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

:D

Father,o,Connor keeps chickens behind the church in a coop, one Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the **** has gone missing.
He knows there's cocking fighting in the village.
So at mass he asks the congregration "has anyone got a ****?"
all the men stand up,
" no i meant has anyone seen a ****?"
all the women stand up " no no i meant has anyone seen my ****?".
16 alter boys 2 priests and a goat stood up.:D



Wen i was kid, mum wud send me to the shops with 50p
I cud get a wham bar, a bag of crisps, a comic book and a bottle of fizzy pop
and still come home with loads of change.
U can't do that these days...and why?







F**king CCTV:D

Liked the first one Mart!

Also think the first one was good Mart.My question is...what was the goat doing in the church? :D

thats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.lol:D

I didn't think it was gonna be an ongoing joking!.:D

Anyway the goat was in the church, because he strayed from the herd! and now regrets it because he went the wrong way.:D

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.:D

Some things you just can't explain.
 

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar. "What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and tied her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

That was funny Immortal.

LMAO!!! Immortal!.:D:D

I'd Rather Have A Puppy.
 

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.”

The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

I love childish jokes too.:D

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Father: How were the exam questions ?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test ?
Son: Absence
Father: You were absent on the day of the test ?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was !