WhyYou

Hey there, WhyYou--

I've had my moments. The 1st three years I was down and out, I was really just in, meaning I didn't go out. Its a bit of a shock, you know (and I know you know). I spent most of those three years debating about and researching how big a dose of the dozen meds I'm on it would take to put me down (one was used in an episode of Quincy as the cause of death, another was used in CSI, same reason). My biggest fear was that I was going to wind up a big burden for my family, closely followed by the desire to make an end so that my niece wouldn't get too attached to me. A yar into this whole thing, I got more news: I was now diabetic. My Dad died when he was 32 of heart disease complicated with liver issues, while my uncle (his brother) died of complications of diabetes just days before his 42d, so it was like getting hit with two sledgehammers. Obviously I kept going. I can be stubborn as a mule (or maybe I'm just too much of a jackass?). Both of my Dad's parents died of strokes (1 year to the day apart), and my Mom's mom died of heart disease after having several bipasses. Nowadays I eat a lot healthier, lots of cereal, avoiding foods with corn syrup in them as much as possible, getting a bit more exercise and so on, but its a balancing act. Some of the foods you might think are good for me, i.e., vegetables, can be problematic. Because my liver is wonky, my blood doesn't get filtered as well as it should and purines can build up causing metabolic arthritis, so not only do I have to take care of the meats I eat, but I also have to watch how much spinach, broccoli, beans, nuts, asparagus, artichoke and so on I eat. I got out of balance back in April this year and would up shut-in for the better part of two months, thankfully the same time my Mom was on vacation so she could watch my nieces, and then they went to their mom's family in Sta Rosa for several weeks which gave me time to get on crutches first, then use my cane and so by the time they got back home, I was just getting back on my feet again. I just saw my doctor a few weeks back and got a new diagnosis: pancreatitis. Oh joy, just what every diabetic needs, yet another complication involving the pancreas. That explains why I can't eat granola like I used to, or a host of other things without winding up in pain soon after. So its a new thing to adapt to, and where I lost one med a few months ago (no longer covered), I just added one back. The new med gets doubled in about 2 1/2 more weeks, and then maybe I'll have myself sorted out for a little longer. Some days it feels like for every one step forward, there's two or three steps back, but at least I figured out that life's worth living, and I have 2 nieces now who I just adore and who, in spite of everything else, make me feel a little younger again, especially when reading Dr. Seuss or watching Fuse on TV. Viva la vida!

Sounds like you and I have more in common than just an interest in FTV and Ms Danielle. Back in 2000, I was getting out of bed, felt weird, and then about an hour later I started getting out of bed, again, feeling terrible. I had a seizure, as it turned out, but stupid me (thoroughly freaked out), I decided not to call 911 and to "walk it off". I'm sure you know how well that works, so by the time I did go to the the doctor a couple days later, I was still feeling terrible. Turned out my bp was somewhere around 205/180. Chances are, I guess, that my bp had been higher a few days before, and chances were that I'd had a stroke. I was 29. I agreed to take a couple weeks off from work, right as I was finally getting decent offers to work for Sonoma County and LA Community College District was finally offering me the opportunity to teach more than 1 class a semester, which almost would have made it possible to survive down there. A couple weeks turned into a month, one month into two, two into six, six into a year. At the end of the year, my doctor broke the news to me: I was done. You spend your whole life building up to something--swim and compete, make Eagle, take AP & college prep courses in high school, graduate, get into decent schools, then, even after some things fall apart, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again (a la what Kipling wrote in "If"; I'll post the text below for you and anyone else who might be interested). I bought what SSA said when they rejected my first claim(s), partially because what they said made sense: I didn;t fit the cookbook definition of disabled. Ultimately, however, and after I had seen my PCP Internist, a nephrologist, cardiologist & neurologist, after SSA had sent me to 2 of their doctors, and after the judge had his own doctor take a look at my file, and all were in agreement, I was classified the same as you, the same year you had your heart trouble, 2003. So I've been cooling my heels since, building up my brain again (genealogy helped a little--its like a big jigsaw puzzle in a way), and then after I moved to Reno, I started taking care of my elder niece again (she and her parents moved up here a bit over a year before), then after #2 came, I started taking care of her, too. That meant getting out more, going on nature walks and so on. To be honest, I often use the little one's stroller as a walker nowadays. Last year I was put on gabapentin for nerve pain, then this past Jan my dose was tripled. I also use a CPAP to help breathe at night, which is actually nice and it helps take some of the strain off my heart, which I really like. So, amigo, in a way its nice to know I'm not the only one out there with a story to tell. In a way that closeness to the end has had a benefit--it makes me, and maybe you, too--more aware of just how beautiful life can be. That's one reason why in almost every post I try to say something positive to Rob or Danielle or about one of the other gentlewomen out there--without that little contact with their beauty, life would be a whole lot blander, wouldn't it?

If
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

Hi ya, WhyYou,

About going back to school, I think that's absolutely fantastic, really. I went to college, I dropped out; I went back, I dropped out; I went back and finally pushed through and took my BA & MA one year apart. If I could I'd go back now and take photography courses like I wanted to all those years ago, but weren't part of what became a pragmatic hard slog through lectures, seminars and thesis writing towards one goal--get out and move on in as short a time as possible. Part of what drove me, ultimately, was the fact that Calif. raised the school fees by 40% in the middle of 1 semester (which lead to one of my drop-outs--couldn't afford it), followed by increasing reliance on loans as grants, &c., were swallowed up or evaporated coupled with the threat of yet more fee increases (I think there was one more the semester after I got my MA--I think I dodged that bullet). Sum total, some of the things I wanted to do, I had to set aside. Since leaving school, though, I've picked up my camera again, after it sat idling for the better part of a decade, and have been taking photos, chiefly landscape at sunset of Mt. Rose, the Sierra Nevada, Donner Pass & Lake Tahoe (there's a couple sweet spots along the NV side, beginning with Sand Harbor, then this little hidden cove perfect for some outdoor nudes--there is a warning sigh to alert folks not keen on that sort of thing that people do go down there to work--on the road from SH towards Stateline, NV). I've coupled some of that fun with nature walks with one or the other of my nieces, or going out with my brother (he uses a digital P&S, I use a 35mm SLR). What I'm trying to say is that regardless of age, its just good to go out and learn something new, or to pick up on something you left off of, isn't it?

Cheers--geo

Looks like Ike headed your way. Stay dry and hope you don't loose power!

When is your birthday?

The site will be free. I'm not quiet sure how often we will update...I will try to as much as I can...but it also depends on Rob. And he is getting pretty burned out on shooting so I don't want to bother him to much. I will be posting all updates here including FTV assist shoots...that is after they come out on FTV. There should be more stuff posted in the next week or two.

Yep. I know a lot of you guys are from Alison's site. It's a shame that she's retired. She is such a cool girl. I only met her once but she was super sweet plus I loved watching her assist videos and her dancing videos (like the funky town dance video in Universal Studios.) I want a site like hers were I have a huge rabid fanbase. I think one of the big differences between me and most porn star girls is that I actually care about my fans. I have a very small following right now but I treat them like real human beings and not like people that you just use and discard. My fans make me incredibly happy so in return I try to make them happy to. I orginally shot for FTVGirls in late April and my update appeared in early June (a late birthday present to myself!) I've since then shot for FTVGirls.com 10 times...three of the ten updates have appeared already and the rest will appear once every month until January. In January I have a girl/girl update appearing which I'm really excited about.

Hello WhyYou, thanks for becoming a member of my board. And if you have any questions or comments or if you just want to write to me just because don't hesitate to do so

XOXO
Danielle FTV

Welcome Whyyou, if you have any FTV related questions, make a post on the FTV section, so I can answer it there, and start 'filling up' that section. Thanks