Jokes

[laranger]

Ok, I start this "Fred" since no one else has yet.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[tigger]

I love it. I e-mailed that one to the fire cheef back home.

[DWM222]

Good one laranger

[Texasdrake]

A hung over guy walks into his kitchen moaning and shaking his head.His Roommate who was cooking breakfast asks him what was wrong.He told him that he went to a party in the neighborhood last night and he lost his wallet there.The problem was he was too drunk to remeber which house the party was held at.

Roommate: Do you remember anything about the house? since the party was in the neighborhood it shouldn't be that hard to find.

Hung over guy: Well I remember the house had a set of deer antlers on the front door.

Roommate:Ok was there anything else you remember?

Hunged over guy: I remember there were red curtains in the living room... Oh yeah they also had a gold metal toilet.

Roommate: Well that house shouldn't be that hard to find.

After they drove around the neighborhood for a while they spotted a house with a set of deer antlers on the front door.they walked up and knocked on the door.A woman in a bathrobe and her hair in curlers answered the door.
The hunged over guy looked at the woman and then at his roommate.

Roommate: Well go ahead and asked her.

Hunged over guy: Ma'am did you have a party here last night?

Woman: (In a foul mood) Yeah so what?

Hunged over guy: Do you also have red curtains in the living room?

Woman: (Mood getting worst) Yeah, so what is it to you?

Hunged over guy: (getting excited) Do you also have a gold metal Toilet?

The woman had a disgusted look on her face,looked the guy over and then turns towards the inside of the house.

Woman: (yelling) Honey we found the ******* who crapped in your Tuba!!!

[WhyYou]

Ok...I'm already laughing uncontrolably...LOL...good jokes guys! Thank you laranger, for starting this thread! LOL!!!! :D

[tigger]

I was checking sarahs my space page and found this photo of me at old butler days in aug. She asked me to do the chicken thing so i put a rubber glove on my head. She put this on her my space page.

[Texasdrake]

A man was sitting on a park bench,reading a newspaper.Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, " All politicians are ********".
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said," I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. " Are you a politician?"
"No," he replied, " I'm an *******."

[tigger]

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the huricane by you?

[Texasdrake]

An old man shuffled carefully into an ice cream parlor.He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool.After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.As the waitress fixed the order she asked, " Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, " Hemorrhoids."



An old man hadn't been able to hear for years.He finally went to see a doctor,who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing.A month later the man returned for a follow-up.
"Your family must be really happy you can hear again," the doctor said.
" Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. " I just sit around and listen to them talk.So far I've changed my will three times."

[Texasdrake]

Tigger we're having alot of rain.The hurricane not suppose to hit Texas till this weekend

[Texasdrake]

The last Hurricane gave us alot of high winds and blew off some metal siding on the office tower I work in.

[Texasdrake]

What's more romantic than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.

[Texasdrake]

What is the difference between " oooooh" and "aaaaaaaah" ?

About three inches.

[Texasdrake]

Ok Ok you guys probably tired of reading my jokes...last one..for the night. :D

A man and a woman were arguing about which gender enjoys sex the most.
"Men obviously enjoy sex more," the man said. "Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"Well," replied the woman,"think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,which feels better,your finger or your ear?"

[DWM222]

I can see I'm gonna enjoy this thread..good ones :)

[danielle_ftv]

Haha you guys are funny...yeah and unfortunately I tell the worst jokes on earth so I will leave that up to you guys.

[WhyYou]

LOL...good jokes Texasdrake! :D

I hope you come out well from Hurricane Ike. The storm is currently gaining power over the Carribbian (I know I spelled that wrong...lol). Maybe it'll hit down in Mexico and leave our country alone, we've already had a recent bad one in that general area (Texas/Louisianna).

[WhyYou]

I was checking sarahs my space page and found this photo of me at old butler days in aug. She asked me to do the chicken thing so i put a rubber glove on my head. She put this on her my space page.

Where's your feathers? :D

[mart]

Great jokes lads!. This is one i posted on Alison's forum and it's one of my favourites

Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get ******** til they marry.:D

[tigger]

ok ok you guys probably tired of reading my jokes...last one..for the night. :d

a man and a woman were arguing about which gender enjoys sex the most.
"men obviously enjoy sex more," the man said. "why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"well," replied the woman,"think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,which feels better,your finger or your ear?"
keep them comming, love them all.

[Texasdrake]

Well looks like its time for a new round of jokes. I would do some blond jokes but don't want Sweet Danielle getting the wrong impression. :D

[Texasdrake]

A man went to the doctor for a simple vasectomy.When he awoke after the porcedure the doctor was standing over him with a worried look.
"I have some bad news," the doctor said."I completely botched your surgery,and we had to go ahead and give you a full sex change.You now have a vagina."
"Oh my God," the man said. "So you mean to tell me I will never experience another erection for as long as I live?"
"Oh you will experience an erection," the doctor said,"just not yours."

[tigger]

a man went to the doctor for a simple vasectomy.when he awoke after the porcedure the doctor was standing over him with a worried look.
"i have some bad news," the doctor said."i completely botched your surgery,and we had to go ahead and give you a full sex change.you now have a vagina."
"oh my god," the man said. "so you mean to tell me i will never experience another erection for as long as i live?"
"oh you will experience an erection," the doctor said,"just not yours."ow ow ow ow ow

[Texasdrake]

After an operation,a man came out of the anesthesia to find his wife by his bedside.He opened his eyes and murmured,"You're beautiful."
Flattered,she continued her vigil after he drifted back to sleep.He woke up again and said, "you're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" she asked.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[Texasdrake]

A pair of newlyweds were preparing for bed.As they were undressing,the husband,a big burly man,tossed his trousers to his new bride.
"Here put these on," he said.She put them on,and the waist was twice the size of hers. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"Thats right," said the husband,"and don't you ever forget it.I'm the one who wears the pants in this marriage."
With that,she flipped him her panties and said," Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could get the underwear only as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
"Thats right," she replied, "and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[tigger]

Your just full of them. Most i hear i wouldent repeat on here. So has ike blown your skirt up yet?

[Texasdrake]

No its not here yet. Not suppose to hit my area till early Sunday morning.

[WhyYou]

We'll have to appoint Texasdrake the message board Jokester...LOL!

Good jokes Texasdrake! Im still laughing...lololol!! :D

[tigger]

There i was surrounded by the enemy. Running low on ammo. Just then , my squad leader kicked in the door. He screemed " hey stupid" get off the dam playtation and get down to the kitchen!!!!!:d

[WhyYou]

LOL!!! Good one tigger...LOLOLOL!!!! :D

[tigger]

One of the guys at quonico e-mailed that to me.

[WhyYou]

I don't think I ever posted this one on the other message board.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - their nose height.


Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
'fur-niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember : Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:


01. Eat less
02. Don't ask for money all the time
03. Are easier to train
04. Normally come when called
05. Never ask to drive the car
06. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
07. Don't smoke or drink
08. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
09. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need $$$$ for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

:D

[tigger]

I love it. Im going to send that to sarah. Pouncer neeeds to read that.

[WhyYou]

I love it. Im going to send that to sarah. Pouncer neeeds to read that.

Pouncer will probably take one look at it and go stretch out on your bed with his tongue hanging out and his tail as long as possible...just to spite you..LOL!!! :D

[tigger]

pouncer will probably take one look at it and go stretch out on your bed with his tongue hanging out and his tail as long as possible...just to spite you..lol!!! :d
he usaly sleeps with sarah. But if im home and she isnt he will curl up with me. He likes to curl up in a ball by my chest. But if you scratch his belly he will love you forever.

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou that was a good one.Being a big animal lover...love it. :D

[tigger]

Here pouncer is sleeping with jeff the boy sarah babysits

[tigger]

And the fridg. That bowl of meat he knows that is his. He gets it 3 times a week. If you click on the photo it brings it up in a bigger window.

[WhyYou]

Here pouncer is sleeping with jeff the boy sarah babysits

How could anyone not love that big cat?:D...unless that person gets surprised in the middle of the night...having a cat that size jump on you from out of nowhere without any warning...in the dark...would scare anyone right out of their drawers...LOL!

[WhyYou]

And the fridg. That bowl of meat he knows that is his. He gets it 3 times a week. If you click on the photo it brings it up in a bigger window.

I imagine he makes a good watch-cat...especially with where you live...way up in the TN mountains. :)

[tigger]

The guy from the gas company that came to relight the furnce and pouncer stuck his head in there with him to see what he was doing. Sarah thought she was going to have to call 911 for the guy. He was white as a gost and holding his chest. 44lbs and 24in at the shoulders. And he thinks he belongs on your lap everytime you sit down. But he is a big baby. He is just like a regular cat just 3 times the size.

[Texasdrake]

Thats a Big cat.Hate to think how big it's litter box is. :D

[WhyYou]

Thats a Big cat.Hate to think how big it's litter box is. :D

I believe his litter box is as big as the outdoors! lol! :)

[tigger]

He uses a regular litterbox. But he has a pen out side 20x30 and he does most of his bissness out there. There is a doggy door for him to get out there, cat door was too small. He has a thing on his collar that unlocks it so only he can get in and out. It is chain link so he cant get out of the pen.thats a $1200 cat im not letting it get out. Sarah takes him out on a leach once in a while.

[Texasdrake]

If that cat was like the one my cousin had.It was trained to use the toilet like humans.Only thing it couldn't do was flush afterwards.Would be a funny sight to see if Tigger's cat can do the same and being able to flush afterwards. :D

[tigger]

No he playes in the water they love the water. If you run bath water have to shut the door or he gets in the tub.this is a photo of him playing with jeff .

[tigger]

If you want to see somthing cute. Go on youtube and go to spotsallover. It is the lady we got pouncer from the cat in the videos is pouncers brother

[laranger]

I'm two months pregnant now Dr. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

[laranger]

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit.
Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me.
I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal.
I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour.
When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over.
The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car.
Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home.
Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop
and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

[laranger]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[WhyYou]

LOLOLOL...laranger, you're on a roll...3 good ones in a row....LOLOLOL!!! :D

[tigger]

good ones laranger. i love the avitar .

[WhyYou]

laranger...excellent choice of avatar...and very fitting for this time of year :)

[laranger]

Tigg, WhyYou, I have been using my avatar on another msg board for a few years now, only difference between this one and the other one is a mourning stripe.
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y32/laranger/rh1.jpg

[tigger]

I like it makes me want to put me uniform on again. If i could get in it. Had a 30 in waist back then. It has expanded a little sinse then.lol

[Texasdrake]

An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through the minister's sermon,the old woman leaned over and said, " I just let out a silent fart.What do you think I should do?"
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Texasdrake]

Hey I'm a "Danielle Junkie" now. Guess that means I be needing my Danielle "Fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms. :D

[tigger]

That reminds me of several years back sarah and i were in church and granpa snuck one out and sarah about fell off the pew laffing .the paster didnt think it was so funny.

[tigger]

hey i'm a "danielle junkie" now. Guess that means i be needing my danielle "fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms. :d
take two boobies and call ????? In the morning.

[Texasdrake]

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a skimpy negligee,standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
She purred at him,"Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
So he did.Then he went fishing.

[laranger]

^^^^^^^^^^winner!!!!!

[Texasdrake]

Tigger that would have been a sight to see with grandpa. Would think the pastor would have a sense of humor. :)

[Texasdrake]

That reminded me when I was a kid and gone to church with my grandpa.We would always sit in the front row pew.Was glad my grandpa didn't sneak a fart out being that close to the pastor....but then again with me being there he could have blamed it on me. :D

[WhyYou]

Hey I'm a "Danielle Junkie" now. Guess that means I be needing my Danielle "Fix" or i will have some bad withdrawal symptoms. :D

You have now entered the MESSAGE BOARD ZONE!!! Do NOT try to adjust your monitor, do NOT try to pass GO, do NOT attempt in any way shape or form to collect $200!! This has been a public service message..we now return you to your regularly scheduled.....

OOPS...brain fart!!!

:D:D:D

[WhyYou]

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a skimpy negligee,standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
She purred at him,"Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
So he did.Then he went fishing.

That's what a long marriage will do to you...LOL!! Very funny Texasdrake!! Keep 'em coming!! :)

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou glad you like the jokes. Wish I could remember one of my fave ones.Its a dirty version of the song " it was the night before Christmas"

[WhyYou]

WhyYou glad you like the jokes. Wish I could remember one of my fave ones.Its a dirty version of the song " it was the night before Christmas"

Have you tried Googling it? When it's close to Christmas time you can find nearly anything even remotely related to Christmas...lol :D

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou yeah its possible I can goggle it.I had written it down when a friend had posted it in a chat room.Laughed so hard end up with tears and almost wet my pants. :)

[Texasdrake]

" I'm telling you," a waoman said to her friend,"I've never been happier.I have two boyfriends.One is just fabulous.He's handsome,sensitive,caring and considerate."
"What in the world do you need the second one for?" the friend asked.
"Oh,the first replied,"the second one is straight."

[tigger]

Oh thats badd. Good jokes, keep them comming

[Texasdrake]

Speaking of jokes. I had a fave baseball cap.It had a picture of a drunk kitty cat sitting in a martini glass. the caption said " Have you ever seen a tight *****"
That cap end up disappearing one day.Think my then roommate's girlfriend threw it away.....she hated that cap. (LOL)

[WhyYou]

Speaking of jokes. I had a fave baseball cap.It had a picture of a drunk kitty cat sitting in a martini glass. the caption said " Have you ever seen a tight *****"
That cap end up disappearing one day.Think my then roommate's girlfriend threw it away.....she hated that cap. (LOL)

At one time in my working life I wore a baseball cap to work every day with a different saying taped to it. I used funny T-shirt saysings and would wait to see what everybody's reaction would be to what my hat said...there were some good and some bad and sometimes I would get nearly beaten up for what the hat said...LOL :D

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou thats funny. (LOL)
I did wear my cap to work one day and went into the office to get my work orders.The secretary looked at the cap and had this grin on her face.The boss came up and seen what it said and told me that it wasn't a appropriate cap to wear to work.I had this "Innocent" look on my face and said to him "What...what's wrong with a drunk cat?" and he said "You know what it really ment." and I just grin and walked out the door. (LOL)
Luckly he wasn't an ******* and fired me. :)

[mart]

I remember i had a t-shirt with the words " WHAT THE F*** YOU LOOKING AT?". Which i used to wear to work. How i never got beaten up i don't know lol. I did get some scared looks though. Amazing how the power of a slogan even offensive one can have.:D

[Texasdrake]

Funny with what kind of reactions you get from caps and T-shirts and whatever else you can prints slogans on.
I still have this spring break T-shirt I brought a long time ago...

Top Ten Reasons You Should
SHOW ME YOUR ****!

I gotten after I seen it in a Head shop and my cousin drunk wife showed me her **** when I showed her the shirt. (LOL)
I wonder if it would work on Danielle? (joking)

[tigger]

I have a tshirt. I got a cupple of years ago. It has a bear holding two owl's and sayes nice hooters. Every time i wair it i have girls stop me so they can look at it. They allways ask me where i got it.( pilot truck stop silina ks. )

[WhyYou]

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louie replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here a-a-a-and r-r-r-r-r-read i-i-it t-to y-y-you??'

:D

[DWM222]

Good one WhyYou:)

[tigger]

Thats a good one.....

[ugo]

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH,.....LOL:D
You are great, friend WhyYou !!;)

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou thats was funny.Now I know the secret to being a great salesperson. :D

[laranger]

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"


"She wouldn't lie still!!"

[LeoRex]

Loved the bible selling joke WhyYou - hilarious!!

[LeoRex]

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"


"She wouldn't lie still!!"

Good one laranger - one can never go wrong with a mother-in-law joke:D

[tigger]

Good one laranger.!!!!!!!!!!!:d

[luv2mtnbike]

Okay here is my joke for the forum:

A guy walks into a tatoo parlor and tells the tatoo artist.

"I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis."

The tatoo artist looks the guy over and says. "Sorry buddy I dont think I can help you out with that one."

Guys says, "Look I am dead serious, I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis and to prove how serious I am, I will pay you a thousand dollars to tatoo the $100 bill on my penis."

The tatoo artist thinks about it and finally says, "Damn one thousand dollars huh for a $100 bill tatooed on your penis! I tell you what I will do it on one condition, why do you want a $100 bill tatooed on your penis?"

The guy thinks for a minute and replies back, "I have 3 very good reasons for wanting a $100 bill tatooed to my penis. Reason #1, I like to keep my hands on my money. Reason #2 I like to watch my money GROW. And the 3rd reason I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow a hundred dollars she can stay at home!!!"

[WhyYou]

Good one luv2mtnbike! :)

[DWM222]

Good one luv2

[tigger]

Thats a good one:D

[tigger]

AN ELDERLY MAN IN FL. HAD OWNED A LARGE FARM WITH A POND AND SEVERAL FRUIT TREES. AND HE HAD NOT BEEN DOWN TO THE POND FOR A WHILE SO HE THOUGHT HE WOULD GO TO IT AND HE GRABED A PALE TO GATHER SOME FRUIT WHILE HE WAS THERE. AS HE APROATCHED THE POND HE HEARD YOUNG GIRLS CAIRING ON. AND HE ANOUNCED HIS ARIVAL TO DISCOVER THE GIRLS WERE SKINNY DIPING. THE GIRLS QUICKLY MOVED TO DEEPER WATER AND SAID THEY WERE NOT COMMING OUT TILL THE OLD MAN LEFT. THE OLD MAN REPLYED , I DID NOT COME TO WATCH YOU GIRLES I CAME TO FEED THE ALIGATOR!!!!!!!! MORAL= SOME OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST WHEN THE NEED ARISES.:eek:

[tigger]

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

[Texasdrake]

Yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (LOL)

[tigger]

yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (lol)
it covered everything!

[laranger]

Yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (LOL)

Pervert!!!:D

Ask the lizard.

[geolarson2]

Here's one with an Arizona connection:

Its been well over a hundred years since the Indian Wars ended, but some folks just won't let go until every "renegade" is accounted for. An example of that is the Arizona Department of Transportation. All over the Superstition, Gila and other mountain ranges, they have posted signs telling drivers to watch out for this particular chief from yesteryear. So what does the sign say? "Watch Out For Falling Rocks." Some folks just don;t know when to call it quits ...

[WhyYou]

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

That IS funny! :D

[laranger]

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

[tigger]

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.That is my sister to a t

[DWM222]

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approched it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant. :)

[WhyYou]

Good one DWM222! :)

Here's a couple of jokes I kind of stole when I was in IRC :

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.



A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect'


:D

[tigger]

Good ones guys!!!!!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims.

'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

:D

[WhyYou]

(just one more today...this is good)

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

:D

[tigger]

A DRUNK WAS WALKING THRU THE WOODS AND HAPPENRD APON A CHURCH GROOP, AND THE PASTER WAS BAPTISING PEOPLE IN THE RIVER. THE DRUNK WONDERED OUT AND BUMPED INTO THE PASTER, THE PASTER SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK REPLIED YES I WOULD. SO THE PASTER DUNKED HIM IN THE WATER AND THEN SAID HAVE YOU MET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK: NO. PASTER DUNKED HIM AGAIN HELD HIM UNDER A LITTLE BIT LONGER THIS TIME. PASTER: HAVE YOU MET JESUS? DRUNK:NO I HAVEN'T. SO THE PASTER GETTING A LITTLE UPSET DUNKED HIM A 3RD TIME AND HELD HIM THERE FOR ALMOST 30 SECONDS. HE ASKED AGAIN HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? DRUNK REPLYED : NO, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN?:eek:

[laranger]

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry
Horny

[laranger]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

[Texasdrake]

The advertising exec arrived at his country club for a round of golf and was asked by the pro to fill out a foursome in which he never played before.
Noticing that a beautiful blond would be in the group,he immediately agreed.
On the third hole,the adman was faced with a 35-foot putt.He turned to the blond. " If I make this putt," he proposed,"will you go out with me tonight?"
"you're on," she said.
He lined up the shot,stroked the ball and watched it roll straight into the cup.
"On the fifth hole,the young man was left with a 60-foot uphill putt.He turned to the woman. "If I make this putt,will you make love to me tonight?"
"Absolutely," she replied.
He stood over the ball,stroked it firmly and watched happily as it broke perfectly into the hole.
On the ninth hole,the blond was faced with a putt that had to go up one hill down a second and into the cup on the far side of a third --- 85 feet away.
"If I make this putt," she teased," you have to go down on me tonight."
As the woman's putter was in its backswing,the young man walked over and picked up her ball. " That's a gimme."

[Texasdrake]

As he carried a cocker-spaniel puppy home for his wife's birthday,Joe ran into one of his neighbors. " Hey,Sam" He said, "what you think of the dog I got for my wife?"
" Hmmm Great trade."

[Texasdrake]

And what's more Alice," the furious physician hollered as he slammed the front door," you're a lousy lay!"
Later,after completing his morning rounds,the doctor decided to drive by the house to apologize to his wife for his morning outburst.
Not finding her in the kitchen or the living room,he glanced into the bedroom,only to find her in bed with another physician.
"what the hell is going on here?" he demanded
"Well after what you said this morning dear,his wife explained,"I decided to get a second opinion."

[tigger]

A man came out into the kitchen one morning to find his wife cooking breakfast in her nity. He walked up behind her and she turned and said make love to me right this min. So he grabed her put her on the table and made love to her. She pushed him off and went back to the stove. Puzled he said what was all that about. She said the egg timer is broke!

[laranger]

A girl at the bar asked me what I wanted most in a woman.

So I showed her.









I just got bailed out twenty minutes ago.

[WhyYou]

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So Mary called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

[mart]

Love that one WhyYou. That's why i got all them tickets the other day lol.:D

[Texasdrake]

I have to keep that in mind when I retire. :D

[mart]

I have to keep that in mind when I retire. :D

Please don't retire to my neck of the woods Texasdrake. I couldn't afford to pay too many tickets lol.:D

[WhyYou]

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man
marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had
stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in
nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued
to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that
is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback
mountain **** going on here!"

:D

[tigger]

Old man walked into the drug store and asked the drugest for 10 viagra pills cut into quorters. the drugest looked at him and said i can do that but you wont be gitting a full erection with just a quorter of the pill. Theold man said im 94 yrs old i dont need a full erection ,i just want to quit peeing on my slippers!!!!!!

[Texasdrake]

WhyYou & Tigger those are pretty funny. (LOL)

[The Deuce]

Ok,can these jokes be dirty? I'm just wondering why these are so tame.

[WhyYou]

If it's really funny it's ok...but degrading jokes are out.

[laranger]

Ok,can these jokes be dirty? I'm just wondering why these are so tame.

It's the nature of the beast.

[The Deuce]

well, this may get me banned but it is funny,

A kid walks into a whore house and walks up to the Madam and says, "I want a hooker right now!"

Madam says, "What? no, get out of here kid and why the hell do you have a dead frog on the end of a leash"?

(kid digs into his pocket and puts a 100 dollar bill on the table)

Kid: "I want hooker with herpes right now!"

Madam: "No kid beat it, and get that dead frog out of here"

(kid diggs into pocket pulls out another 100 dollar bill and puts it on the table)

Kid: "I want a hooker with herpes and aids right now"!

Madam: "Ok kid, I've got what you want, but tell me why you have a dead frog on the end of that leash"

Kid: "Alright, I"m going to **** a hooker with herpes and aids. When I get home I'm going to **** my baby sitter, when my Dad comes home from work he's going to **** the baby sitter. Later that night my Dad's gonna **** my Mom and then the next day my Mom's going to **** the Mailman and THATS THE MOTHER ****** THAT KILLED MY FROG!!"

[WhyYou]

lLOL...it takes the mind of a kid to think that round-about way...LOL

Good one The Deuce! :)

[geolarson2]

I'm originally from Colorado. I was born there, spent some very good years there as a kid. Its a beautiful place, whether we're talking the plains or Rockies, good people, too ('cept for those West Slopers--j/k). I'm expecting laranger & DWM222 to back me up on this. Its also a windy state. Lots of wind! Phew! And while I don't mean any disrespect to the folks living east or west of the Centennial State, its all their fault. Now how can I say that, you ask? Simple: Nebraska & Kansas suck and Utah blows!

[DWM222]

I'm originally from Colorado. I was born there, spent some very good years there as a kid. Its a beautiful place, whether we're talking the plains or Rockies, good people, too ('cept for those West Slopers--j/k). I'm expecting laranger & DWM222 to back me up on this. Its also a windy state. Lots of wind! Phew! And while I don't mean any disrespect to the folks living east or west of the Centennial State, its all their fault. Now how can I say that, you ask? Simple: Nebraska & Kansas suck and Utah blows!

Looks like you nailed that one geo..LOL

[ask]

Funny one.........

[DWM222]

An old cowboy st down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that eveything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

:):)

[ugo]

Good one Dwm222 !! :D:D

[voncroy10]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[geolarson2]

An old cowboy st down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that eveything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

:):)

Son of a ...! I'm a lesbian, too! :eek: Yee-freakin'-haw! :D

[mart]

Great jokes DWM222,voncroy. I think i must be a lesbian then DWM222 lol.:D

[Max]

This is a really dumb joke but i'm gonna tell it anyways.
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common
A: They have the same middle name

[The Deuce]

A grass hopper hops into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we got drink named after you." The grass hopper looks at him in amazement and says, " No ****, you gotta drink named Bob?"

[DWM222]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her tow kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...nice children you've got there - are they twins?'
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?...Do you really think they look alike?'

'No', replies the greeter, 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!'

[Max]

I hope this joke doesn't get me banned, but I'm going to tell it.

Three first graders are on a playground, an asian kid, a black kid, and a red neck. The asian says "OK, we're going to pull out our ***** and see whose is the biggest." The asian kid pulls his **** out, and the other two say "that's pretty impressive." The black kid pulls his **** out and the other two say "whoa even bigger." The red neck pulls his out, and the other two say "OK, no fair." The redneck went home and said "Ma I wun biggest penis in skool, cuz I waz a red neck." Then his mother says "No honey, that's because you're 35."

[Max]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says "why the long face."

[WhyYou]

LOL...good jokes DWM222 and Max. :D

Don't know about the Celine Dion one though.

[laranger]

John is out in the country with his new bride.
They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other.

His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."






He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."

[DWM222]

My grandmother died in 1974, but her birthday is coming up soon, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on College Avenue, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds, or washing the sidewalk..Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, happened when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 50 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this one thing" she said. "Be sure to marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."

Still kinda brings a tear to my eye.....:)

[laranger]

My grandmother died in 1974, but her birthday is coming up soon, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on College Avenue, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds, or washing the sidewalk..Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, happened when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 50 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this one thing" she said. "Be sure to marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."

Still kinda brings a tear to my eye.....:)

This is a joke fred not True Confessions...:D:D

[DWM222]

This is a joke fred not True Confessions...:D:D

hehe;)...gotta love Grandma

[MISSY]

Old man was sitting down at the lake with his rod in the water, little boy walks up and ask's are you fishing? old man replys No my worms are dirty and I was washing them.

[WhyYou]

Lots of good jokes here...LOLOLOL!!!! :D

[DWM222]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was the pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all me again one year later and the two city gals were were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied. Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him...
:):)

[MISSY]

That is funny.

[WhyYou]

LOL...good joke DWM222...LOL!!!

[DWM222]

LOL...good joke DWM222...LOL!!!

Thanks

:)...makes me feel better since I had a bad start to the day....

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Thats when the fight started...:)

[WhyYou]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL....LOL!!!!!!!

I needed that laugh!!! :D

[mart]

Thanks

:)...makes me feel better since I had a bad start to the day....

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Thats when the fight started...:)

Such a simple joke and yet very funny. Great jokes DWM222.:D

[Texasdrake]

DMV222 made me think of a Dwarf joke I heard once...not sure how funny it may be to you all.

'GEE GUYS," said Snow White,"I've always dreamed of getting seven inches---but not an inch at a time."

[DWM222]

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

'That's my pager,' he says. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes explains. 'That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

'I'm getting a Fax. 'he explains'...:)

[Texasdrake]

DMW222 I heard that joke before.Still funny everytime I hear it. :D

[Texasdrake]

It was close to midnight when the telephone rang in the sex therapy surrogate's apartment."I'm all wound up and I've got to see you" urged the voice of one of her newest patients,who had been making remarkable strides in her tutelage.
"There,there---- relax,relax" the woman responded soothingly. "just take two aspirins now,and then ball me in the morning."

[Texasdrake]

You may possibly have heard about the central European sodomist who liked to backdate Czechs.

[Texasdrake]

It's said that the difference between kinky and preverted is that someone who's kinky uses a feather,whereas someone who's preverted uses the whole chicken.

[DWM222]

DMW222 I heard that joke before.Still funny everytime I hear it. :D

Thanx...I've heard or been sent thousands of these over the years so I just pass em on..you've got some good one's too..

[DWM222]

Have ya heard this one...:)

Due to the popularity of the Survivor's shows, Wyoming is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor-Wyoming Style.

The contestants will start in Cheyenne, travel over to Casper and Rawlins

Then, they will head west to Rock Springs, north to Pinedale and Big Piney

From there they will proceed east to Gillette

The final leg will be back to Cheyenne

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads:

'I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to Your health. Republicans suck. Obama in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'

The first one that makes it back to Cheyenne alive wins.

:):)

[Texasdrake]

" You get to choose,Harvey," the fellow who had set up the double date told his buddy. "One of them has kind of a dumpy figure and is short on looks,but she's incredible when she gives a blow job! The other is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs,which she shows off by wearing shoes with high heels"
"Say no more,Fred," interrupted Harvey. "I'll go for head over heels any time."

[Texasdrake]

(LOL) DMW222,no I hadn't heard that one before.Its funny.. :D

[Texasdrake]

Because Sir Lancelot had been complaining about the fit,Queen Guinevere went secretly to a famous plastic surgeon for a general genital tightening. "And now," she mused happily, "I'm all tucked in for the knight!"

[Texasdrake]

"My taste in dates," the girl remarked during a lunch hour hen session, "runs to men who are tall,dark and hung some."

[DWM222]

(Good one's Texas..LOL)

Let's try some religion..hehe:)

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "preacher, I don't believe the bible mentions PMS"

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read. "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Bethlehem."

[DWM222]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two ***** come together. I come once-a-more. Two *****, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

"Hey, coolla down lady" said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella "Mississippi."

[Texasdrake]

(LOL) those two joke's are funny. :D

[laranger]

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

[ask]

Thanks a lot.........This thread is nice

[DWM222]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: 'Beautiful lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.'

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself.

I don't f@#kin think so..

:):)

[MISSY]

I just read this to Tigger and he said whyyou's crazy frog! am I missing somthing?

[WhyYou]

That'll teach that crazy frog!

Frog: wasn't me!!! lol!!!!

WhyYou: WHAT!!!!!!! Darn...thought I got rid of you!

Frog: shaddap! :D

:D:D

[voncroy10]

Gender Designation... Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

[DWM222]

This really works!

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a big box of chocolates.

You have no idea how F@$king good I feel right now....:)

[MISSY]

That'll teach that crazy frog!

Frog: wasn't me!!! lol!!!!

WhyYou: WHAT!!!!!!! Darn...thought I got rid of you!

Frog: shaddap! :D

:D:D
Ok he just let me in on the joke.

[DWM222]

(This one is for Tigger)

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?

[MISSY]

(This one is for Tigger)

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?Tigger told me that one a while ago i think some one posted it on Alisons board.

[DWM222]

Tigger told me that one a while ago i think some one posted it on Alisons board.

Knew I heard it somewhere...LOL..:)

[DWM222]

The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life, then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.

"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

"Father" he cries out, "Its been so long!"

The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,








"Pinocchio?"


:)

[MISSY]

What do you call a hooker that smokes dope?????????????????? a pot hoe!!!!!!

[Texasdrake]

(LOL) Missy that was a funny joke. :)

[Texasdrake]

A suspected jihadist was being grilled at Guantanamo Bay. "Honest officer," he said,"I'm not a suicide bomber!"
"We heard what you said," the officer replied.
"We've got you on tape."
"I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could have sex with 72 virgins,"
the suspect said. "All I said was I'm dying to get laid."

[Texasdrake]

Women think they're so clever because they can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship,but men can fake a whole relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

[Texasdrake]

A man and his wife were having sex.Fifteen minutes,30 minutes and then 45 minutes passed.Sweat was pouring off both of them when the wife finally looked up and said, "what's the matter,honey? Can't you think of anyone else either?"

[mart]

I was gonna kill the worlds greatest lover. But then there's a law against committing suicide.:D

[laranger]

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
"Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long.
You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years?
Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog,
"You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house.
Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them!
I'll give a life span of 20 years."
The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way!
I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks.
I'll give you 20 years life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks?
Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play.
You will enjoy very much in your life.
All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing.
This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....
Why don't we make a deal?
Since the cow gave you back 30 years,
and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years,
I will take them from you!
That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY...
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much.
For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.
For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

[tigger]

I love it . That was a good one

[mart]

That's a great joke Laranger!. Or is it a joke?. It may have been true lol.:D

[WhyYou]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.'

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

:D

[WhyYou]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, Darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a mother would take her 4-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds. The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day the mother found her daughter staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the mother braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions, the little girl merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the Hole He Goooes.'


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'

Ok...it's more than a few...lol! :D

[Geezer]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan



P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[laranger]

Women are just like orange juice cartons.
It's not the size or the shape that matters, or even how sweet the juice is.
It's getting those Damn flaps to open!

[laranger]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great.
Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.
Again, the guy says, '99. The doctor said, 'Very good.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three .'

[WhyYou]

LOL...Two great jokes in a row laranger...you're on a roll! LOL!!! :D

[tigger]

80yr old man setting on the park bench with a friend said i got a new hearing aid it cost$4000 but it is state of the art the newest thing out! The second man asked what kind is it? Its 12:30.:d

[tigger]

OLD MAN WALKED SLOWLY INTO THE ICE CREAM PARLER AND GOT UP ON THE STOOL. AFTER CATCHING HIS BREATH HE ORDERED A BANNA SPLIT. THE WAITRESS ASKED CRUSHED NUTS? NO HE REPLIED ARTHRITIS!:eek:

[WhyYou]

Little Rachel came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Rachel was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Rachel 's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel , of course, thought she did.

Rachel 's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Rachel . I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Rachel 's mother thought her plan had worked because Rachel looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Rachel walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

:D:D

[tigger]

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[laranger]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[laranger]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll sa y to me!'
And the husband began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower,
and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, a s she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,
and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[laranger]

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[captnjack]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.




loved this one!!!!

[laranger]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered,
"because your father,your grandfather,and your great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen,
and you were born in July, you dumbass."

[ugo]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave the money to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[captnjack]

good one Ugo. I think Sailaway will enjoy that one!

[ugo]

HEHE, Friend Captin.:D
I hope well for my Great Friend Sail.:p

[ugo]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi Breezers".
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and inno cent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!".
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said...*From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!* ".

[WhyYou]

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .

http://danielleftv.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=20&pictureid=341

Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !

[Geezer]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
> two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
>
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
> Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
>
>
>
> The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The
> oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
> twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
>
>
>
> 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
> believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you
> for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[Geezer]

I LOVE IT "WhyYou!" I am going to rush out and get a black eye so I can be "treated" for it. Now, where do I get a pair of DDs??????:rolleyes:


For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .

http://danielleftv.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=20&pictureid=341

Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !

[ugo]

I think: " What the woman all beautiful and warm is the maximum one of every general medicine for the man." If the man is good.:p

[WhyYou]

Miss Beatrice, a church organist, was in her late seventies and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the Pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and sandwiches, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

:D:D

[laranger]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[tigger]

Oh them are great guys.:d

[laranger]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road
and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump.
Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,
turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say?
Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher,
"because that black horse don't know **** about cars!"

[WhyYou]

> >I can do it twice (I got this in an email)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
> >>
> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> NOW SCROLL UP..
> >>
> >> That's enough for the first day. Great job.
> >>
> >> Have a glass of wine.

[captnjack]

why you I must scrolled up and down 4 or 5 times and now I am exhausted. I think I over did.

[mart]

why you I must scrolled up and down 4 or 5 times and now I am exhausted. I think I over did.

Cheat like me Captnjack!. I used the direction keys lol.:D

[laranger]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[WhyYou]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said,

'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
Mother kiss you on the cheek.'

:D

[WhyYou]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and mother and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

:D

[Texasdrake]

Well I got lucky and found this naughty version of the christmas poem that made me laugh.Since Christmas is around the corner.....ok its around a few corners....Enjoy the poem

Twas The Night Before Christmas (NC-17 Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ***, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ***,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false ****,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his *** and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!!"

[WhyYou]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

:D

[mart]

That was wicked but funny WhyYou! lol.:D
Why should the colour of her hair make any differance. You'll give blondes a bad name WhyYou lol.:D

[Texasdrake]

Cause its a running joke in the USA that "Blondes" are dumb,well blonde females.Makes me wonder....if any female with any other color hair dyed it blonde does it makes them a "dumb Blonde" as well? as in dumb by Proxy ( Hydrogen Peroxide)if i remeber right was the old fashion way of bleaching one's hair.(bleach blonde) :D

[tigger]

How do you explain a blond dying her hair pink?????? I just got sarahs school picks in an e-mail. And no i dont like it!

[WhyYou]

How do you explain a blond dying her hair pink?????? I just got sarahs school picks in an e-mail. And no i dont like it!

She had a BLONDE moment?

:D:D

[Texasdrake]

Sarah's hair doesn't look too bad in the pics.Was it like that the whole time or she letting her blonde hair grow back out.When you talked way back that her hair was pink..I was thinking like it was totally pink.In the picture from what I can tell it looks like pink highlights

[tigger]

she got it fixed, it is blond again. Im just upsetshe did it and that she did it for her school pix.

[laranger]

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

[MISSY]

Father walked by his girls room and heard a vibrating noise, he opened the door to see his little girl with a vibrator. He said what are you doing? She exclamed ,I'm 27 single, and this is the closest im going to hve to a man. a little while later mom came by and heard the noise and opened the door and the same story was given. later that evening the wife came home and saw her husband on the couch and heard the vibrator and said what the hell are you doing!! He said im watching the game with my new son in law!!!

[laranger]

Post your accomplishments.

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y32/laranger/older4.jpg

[WhyYou]

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

:D

[Geezer]

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

:D

Just as soon as an email notified me of this "new thread entry" I jumped on the URL. Wow, that IS pretty funny. The moment I finished viewing it, I forwarded it to about 50 people on my email distribution list.:cool:

[mart]

I have a joke but I can't post it, I only have a URL to the web page. But it's hilarious so go check it out.

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

:D

That's a really funny version of "Noah's Ark" WhyYou.:D:D

[MISSY]

That is so funny. And true too!!!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them are in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:

You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, the head and the ***** are interchangeable, and you get the same material discharged from either end.

:D

[WhyYou]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital Fort Worth. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

:D

[WhyYou]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell Sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and Says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are Millions of galaxies.?

Time wise, it appears to be Approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are Small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow.?

What does it tell You, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent!! '

:D

[WhyYou]

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people

Maryln Allen Adams

:D

[WhyYou]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...'

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and explained the situation. He said, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Over half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

:D

[WhyYou]

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie dolls in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19..95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others are only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls."

:D

[DWM222]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Damn! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a **** house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.

[WhyYou]

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will
be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts.
Please let me know your sizes.
You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you
wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is
most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
1. Soft and Hygienic
2. Non-slip grip strips on the soles
3. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
4. No more bending over to mop up spills
5. Disposable and biodegradable
6. Environmentally safe
7. Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out
the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for
each one of you.

NOTE:

Sizes for Europeans.....with the silk flowers option should be
ordered well in advance.

:D

[DWM222]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!'

:D

[D Money $$$]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

“You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[DWM222]

Little old lady goes into a sex toy shop........

She looks around for a while, and finally walks up to the large wall display.
The clerk comes over to help, and she says 'I'd like to purchase that large red vibrator over there on the right'.

Clerk says 'I'm sorry, but you will have to select another item, I can't sell you that'.

She says 'Why not...its the one I want'.

Clerk says 'That is our fire extinguisher'

:)

[WhyYou]

Here's an interesting sentence:

Did I like nut another to it send do to better anything have doesn't that person a like this reading time sweet your took you since.


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Now read it backwards

[mart]

:D.one funny a that's WhyYou one Nice

[Geezer]

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Geezer]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[mart]

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
Are one-handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
Do cementry workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if your in hell and your mad at someone,where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something out of whack? what is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?
If a pig loses it's voice,is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a "broker"?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is a race car driver not called a racist?
IF Fex-Ex and UPs were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, quit while your ahead?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
When signwriters go on strike, what is on their signs?
How can sweet and sour be sweet and sour at the same time?
Did Noah keep his bees in the archives?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
How comes no one says "it's only a game" when their team is winning?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does that mean electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

[voncroy10]

really amusing
i've got one
if you tried to fail and you succeed what did you achieve?