Jokes

[ToungeFooMaster]

Thatsa good one. Texasdrake. Are you getting enny affects of the hurricane by you?

What Did the Hurricane say to the Palm Tree ???
Hang On To Your Coconut's This is No Ordinary Blow Job !!! :eek:

[MISSY]

Your day is comming!!!!!!!!!!

[MISSY]

couldent help my self im realy going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D:eek:

[dxhound2003]

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

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1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

[Geezer]

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

[Raymond]

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

The pizza comment is classic. haha

[WhyYou]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,'Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'****!' exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[WhyYou]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

[WhyYou]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[WhyYou]

Fred and Larry got married in California

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[MISSY]

lololololololol oh my.

[DWM222]

Good one's whyyou...:)

[T-bone Thomas]

Great jokes WhyYou! Love them.

[mart]

Wherever you got them joke WhyYou, find some more.:D

[Texasdrake]

" I'm always amused by foreigners who don't speak the language very well," a man said to his friend."The other day a Chinese hooker who wanted to applaud me for my sexual performance told me,' I give you clap.' "

[tigger]

Love em WhyYou!!!!!!!!

[Geezer]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple minutes ago......”

[Immortal]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”


“Couple minutes ago......”
LOL.. I am a biker that has been though the black hills too.

[captnjack]

Good one Geezer!

[DWM222]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I
guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

[Max]

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

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1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

I'm a cat guy, but all of those things are true.

[WhyYou]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?"
The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me? Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[mart]

Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard, "Need twenty 4 X 2's," he says to the yardman.
“Guess you mean 2 X 4's," he grins,” How long do you want them?"
“Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he's building a garage."

Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.
" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."



A woodworker had a neighbor that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day frustrated with this he phoned him.
“Could I put my table saw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.
“Sure," his neighbor replied, " But why?"
“Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.

carpenter, electrician, and plumber working on a job together noticed that the foreman always left on Tuesdays and Thursdays a couple hours early. Since he never came back to the job site they decided on the next Tuesday to leave as well a few minutes after the foreman had departed. The electrician headed for the golf course, the plumber decided to take in a movie, the carpenter decided just to go home and relax. When he entered his house he heard noises coming from the master bedroom, quietly opening the door he was shocked to see the foreman in bed with his wife, he backed away and left the house.

During the first coffee break on the next Thursday the other two guys asked him if he was into leaving early again.

"No way," he exclaimed," Last time I almost got caught."

[laranger]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[tigger]

lolololollololololololol

[Immortal]

# AOL (acronym) - Another Old Link

# Lottery (noun) - a tax on people who are bad at math.

# Freudian Slip (noun) - when you mean to say "Please pass the
salt", but it comes out as "You damn *****, you''ve ruined my life".

# Auto Biography (noun) - The life story of a car.

# Argument (noun) - A discussion that occurs when you''re right, but
she just hasn''t realized it yet.

# Blonde Jokes (noun) - Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.


# Grocery List (noun) - A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing,
and then forgot to take with you to the store.

Accountant (noun) - Someone who solves a problem you didn''t know
you had in a way you don''t understand.

# Toaster (noun) - A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

# Amnesia (noun) - Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to make love again.

[Immortal]

Let''s face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren''t
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren''t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don''t fing, grocers don''t groce
and hammers don''t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn''t the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn''t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn''t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to anasylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at aplay and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn''t a race at all). That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it?

[mart]

Your so right there Immortal, couldn't argue with any of it.:D

[captnjack]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


Sounds like a blonde joke to me!

[MISSY]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


OMG That funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[Geezer]

Since it is almost tax season, I thought this was sort of appropriate.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back to
the manufacture, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

[Geezer]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[captnjack]

Since it is almost tax season, I thought this was sort of appropriate.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back to
the manufacture, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

Good one Geezer I have heard it befoe but it is just as funny the second time!

[mart]

Come on guys, this thread isn't nothing to laugh about, oh sorry it is, carry on!.:D

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[tigger]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?



may take me a min to get hard I just got layed!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He didn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. This protects it from the rain' and he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike there. But just before they entered the house, Sandra stopped him and said, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he said. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.

They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

So he leaned over and kissed Sandra. No one said a word.

So he reached over and fondled her breasts. Still, nobody said a word.

So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and screwed her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

He looked at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabbed the mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend was furious and her dad was boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the damn dishes!!!

[mart]

Great joke WhyYou.:D:D

[Geezer]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Geezer]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[captnjack]

good one geezer!

[Immortal]

I read in a medical pamphlet that drinking alcohol could lead to serious health complications even death. i was so scared that i've vowed never to read again.

[WilliamHotothavoma]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? written by kids

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to f ind out later who youre stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both dont want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 isnt she a treasure

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyre rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Its the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 bless you child

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNT GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
LINKS REMOVED BY MODERATOR.

[mart]

Here's some of my favourite classic sketches from some classic English comedy series.:D


The Two Ronnies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Tommy Cooper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Eq5Xn23h8

The Morecombe and Wise show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFgdhZGLJrY

[MISSY]

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!! :D

[captnjack]

good one Missy

[tigger]

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!! :D

Hay I resemble that!!:p

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email from a friend!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

:D

[mart]

Father,o,Connor keeps chickens behind the church in a coop, one Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the **** has gone missing.
He knows there's cocking fighting in the village.
So at mass he asks the congregration "has anyone got a ****?"
all the men stand up,
" no i meant has anyone seen a ****?"
all the women stand up " no no i meant has anyone seen my ****?".
16 alter boys 2 priests and a goat stood up.:D



Wen i was kid, mum wud send me to the shops with 50p
I cud get a wham bar, a bag of crisps, a comic book and a bottle of fizzy pop
and still come home with loads of change.
U can't do that these days...and why?







F**king CCTV:D

[captnjack]

Liked the first one Mart!

[Texasdrake]

Also think the first one was good Mart.My question is...what was the goat doing in the church? :D

[laranger]

Silly TD; it's obvious he was there for confession. ;)

[tigger]

thats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.lol:D

[mart]

Silly TD; it's obvious he was there for confession. ;)

thats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.lol:D

I didn't think it was gonna be an ongoing joking!.:D

Anyway the goat was in the church, because he strayed from the herd! and now regrets it because he went the wrong way.:D

[mart]

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.:D

[Immortal]

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar. "What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and tied her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

[captnjack]

That was funny Immortal.

[mart]

LMAO!!! Immortal!.:D:D

[Immortal]

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.”

The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

[mart]

I love childish jokes too.:D

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Father: How were the exam questions ?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test ?
Son: Absence
Father: You were absent on the day of the test ?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was !

[captnjack]

These really work!! Amazingly simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Immortal]

These really work!! Amazingly simple home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

LMAO!! Good ones captnjack, I'm going to try all of them!:D

[Robert]

Not sure why we have so many jokes about church/heaven/hell in here, but might as well continue the theme.

The was a pastor of a church in New Orleans. He a and a few members were in the church when the hurricane Katrina hit and the flood waters started rising. They climbed up to the 2nd floor and holed out for a while as the waters continued to rise. A boat came by and the others were rescued, but the pastor said "Don't worry about me, God will save me." So the boat went on. Later the water had risen above the second floor and another boat came and the captain said "Come quickly, the water is still rising." The pastor replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." As the waters continued to rise he climbed up to the steeple, and a helicopter flew by offering him a last chance at rescue, again he replied, "Don't worry about me, God will save me." Later his strength gave out and he slipped off the steeple and into the floodwaters where he drowned. Arriving in heaven, he told St. Peter he had a question for God. So when he got to talk to God, he asked, "You said you would save me from the storm, what happened there?" God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

[laranger]

Well, that made me blow coffee through my nose. <sigh> Ruined another keyboard. El Oh Ell

[mart]

Good one Robert, Laranger you know you shouldn't be drinking coffee when your on the jokes thread!, that's just asking for trouble!.:D

[DWM222]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[tigger]

An officer from the AIR FORCE walked into the bathroom and went to the bathroom, then a Marine walked in and took as piss the Air Force guy went over and washed his hands , the Marine just headed for the door. The Air Force guy said at West Point they taught us to wash our hands! Ther Marine said at boot camp they taught us not to pee on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[mart]

We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.

Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Here's some funny bumper stickers quotes.

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

My other girlfriend is beautiful.

This car is protected by Smith and Wesson.

Make love not war - see driver for details.

If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.

Lost your cat? Look under my wheels.

Go ahead and hit me, I need the money.

No radio--already stolen.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

[WhyYou]

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his rusty old John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Ole' says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said it would help me if I would.... do something sexy to a tractor . "

[DWM222]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[mart]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”



a man goes into a bar with his younger brother and orders two drinks. The bar-man says “that’ll be €10 please”. The mans brother says he’ll pay and put’s ten buttons on the bar.
The barman isnt too happy and is about to ask them to leave until the older bro calls the barman aside and tells him how his brother is a bit mad and asks him to play along while keeping a tab.
The barman understands and tells him not to worry so.
After a few drinks the older brother asks if he can pay the bill and thanks the barman for putting up with his bro. The bar man tells him that it comes to €80 all together.

The older brother puts a frisby on the counter and tells the barman to keep the change.

[Immortal]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Good one Mart!


.

[mart]

On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller the golfer asks: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replies: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer: "So what's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

[Palanhaar]

One old woman went to the doctor with a different kind of gastric problem!!

Old Woman-"Doctor,I don't know whats going on I keep on farting all day long but they don't smell and sound at all,and see I have been sitting before you for last 5 minutes and farted 20 times"
Doctor-"I see!!"
Old Woman-"Then please suggest some medicine!!"
Doctor gave a medicine to the old lady and the next day the lady came to him in anger!!
Old Lady-"Doctor,I don't know what kind of medicine you gave my!!My farts smell so bad now!!"
Doctor-"Ok!!Now,as your nose is working well,its the turn of your Ears!!"

Well Farts are always an issue for a good laugh...What say others...?

[Immortal]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?":eek:

[mart]

LMAO.:D:D

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?":eek:

[Texasdrake]

Ok people was wondering where everyone went and why no one's posting.
I;ll post afew Christmas related poems and jokes so you know I'm still here.


Emptying Santa’s Sack

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit

[tigger]

Was that suposed to be funny?

[tigger]

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

[mart]

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

LMAO big time!.:D:D

[Texasdrake]

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

Be funny if the following year he gotten more and better presents and he end up getting the idea you can get better stuff just being a little prick

[tigger]

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke):rolleyes:

[mart]

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke):rolleyes:

Nearly as bad as these!.:D

What happens if a dog stays in the sun too long?.
It turns into a hotdog.

Where do pigs keep their savings?.
In the piggybank of cause.

Where do fish keep their savings?.
In the riverbank of cause.

Why did the cow eat a chocolate bar?
Because he wanted to have chocolate milk.

Why was the cow afraid?.
Because he was a cow-ard.

Where do cows go on vacation?.
Cow-lifornia.

I'll stop here, it's getting embarrassing.:D

[tigger]

Old lady was cruzing down the hall at the nursing home and she saw Laranger siting in a chair and she walks in fromt of him lifts her dress and says supersex. Laranger was quiet for a min. and said ill have the soup!:p

[WhyYou]

Got this in my email today....

Out Of Order Sign
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer while trying to remove a jammed piece of paper. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...scroll down and see.....

[Padawan]

Just a heads up. This is joke is not intended to be insulting in any way. It's just a little joke, a humor that this Finn likes.

...and God Created Finland.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."

:D

[WhyYou]

LOL...Good one Padawan! :)

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email today:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.

There was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize... they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.

:D

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOL. OH GOD THAT WAS FUNNY!

[mart]

Really love that one WhyYou!.:D

[Padawan]

You might have heard this one already but I post it nevertheless...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
:D

[WhyYou]

That's a new one for me Padawan....LOL!!! :)

[WhyYou]

When a male can't stand it anymore!
Priceless shot!

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.

[tigger]

LOLOLOL

[WhyYou]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...





Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

:D

[mart]

Love that story WhyYou, ahh the wisdom of age!.:D

[Geezer]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[WhyYou]

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with....
> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> ?

> A Misdewiener!

:D

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOL

[WhyYou]

Got this in my email this morning:



A man is driving along a highway


and sees a rabbit jump out


across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it,


but unfortunately


the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,


a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,


pulls over and gets out to see


what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,


the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful


that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman


driving down the highway


sees a man crying on the


side of the road


and pulls over.


She steps out of the car


and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !


he explains,


"I accidentally hit this rabbit


and killed it."


The blonde says,


"Don't worry."


She runs to her car


and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,


bends down,


and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up,


waves its paw at the two of them


and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,


turns around and waves again,


he hops down the road another 10 feet,


turns and waves, hops another ten feet,


turns and waves,


and repeats this again and again and again,


until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.


He runs over to the woman and demands,


"What is in that can?


What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around


so that the man can read the label.


It says..




(Are you ready for this?)











(Are you sure?)






(This is bad!)






(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)






(You know you could just click off


and not read the punch line....)




(You can still delete it)






(You know you're gonna be sorry)







(Last chance)







(OK, here it is)








It says,






"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair,


and adds permanent wave."

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[happy7645]

hhahaha nice joke
But is it only for blondes?
Or isn't?:)

[WhyYou]

hhahaha nice joke
But is it only for blondes?
Or isn't?:)

Are you blonde?

:D

[WhyYou]

Another one received by email:



There Is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The "Tickle Me Elmo" factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are "Tickle Me Elmo's" all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of "Tickle Me Elmo's." She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

[mart]

Love that one WhyYou.:D:D

[Index-of-Beauty Ben]

Roses are black
Violets are black
I'm a zombie and I'm colorblind.

[mart]

Great Chinese proverbs.:D

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick goes hungry.

Man who scratch ***, should not bite fingernails.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It take many nails to make crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

[TheDoctor]

NICE, Mart!

[DWM222]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

[Geezer]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

--------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

---------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

---------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

--------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

---------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

----------------------------------------------

And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[fifty-cycle]

All I can say is that those jokes hit too close to home for me to laugh too hard!!!

[Geezer]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."



Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be inLouisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."





North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"





Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "




***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[mart]

Thanks to you Geezer, i've now got very aching sides.:D:D:D:D

[TheDoctor]

Lol. Lol. LOL!!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zltbcBlDtPg)

[Geezer]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[STAR]

So anyway, this girl walked into the joint wearing the tightest pants I'd ever saw. Lots of single guys there, all looking at her, one old codger staring like he saw God and nobody talking to her! I couldn't believe it! So I go over to her, had to ask "How do you get into your pants?" She looked me over, smiled & said "You could start by buying me a drink."

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" -- Woody Allen

[STAR]

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors:

• Put bifocals on. Double-check that you're with the right partner.
• Set the alarm on your clock for 2 minutes. . . in case you doze off in the middle.
• Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
• Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. . . just in case.
• Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

***

There are three kinds of men;

1. The ones who learn by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

***

Sex is now classified as a misdeameanor. . . the more you miss. . . da meaner ya get!

***

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOL

[Tom M]

Thanks for all the jokes people, don't know where you get them but keep them coming. Haven't laughed so much in ages.

[WhyYou]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the Singles Club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....





Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!'

[WhyYou]

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

[WhyYou]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

:D

[WhyYou]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease..

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

:D

[DWM222]

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

[WhyYou]

LOL!!!! :D

[danielle_ftv]

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.


Oh my...that's funny. But it's true though.

[danielle_ftv]

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

I LOVE THIS!!!

[STAR]

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

[STAR]

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

[STAR]

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[STAR]

What does true love feel like?

True love will feel like you're just floating down a lazy river in a water park and no one has peed in it... Not even the babies.

[STAR]

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg

If you haven't grown up by age 50 you don't have to

calories (noun) Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night

Cookie Monster at computer: "DELETE COOKIES?!"

[STAR]

Here's my friend Reannah with her sign on a corner in Tucson yesterday. Click it :: :D

[STAR]

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up to my door. She knocked...I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, Al "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! Could you watch my dog?"

[Tom M]

That's a good sign Star and the joke's OK too. "They'll" try to control us anyway "they" can. Resist!

[Tom M]

Just noticed that "Capitalization" joke - had me creased up. I've sent it to friends. Thanks.

[Max]

Haha loved that sign. NOTHING is better than free online porn might I add.

[STAR]

Haha loved that sign. NOTHING is better than free online porn might I add.

Oh, Max, yes. And that is just a mild insight into the true nature of this irreverant, rapacious, irascible, take-no-prisoners young woman! Her nickname is Rye. If you ever meet her take a deep breath; she'll grab a handful & shake you upside down just to see if anything comes loose. Best to greet her with a joyfully erect penis. *That, she does unflinchingly repect.
;)

[STAR]

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

[cwill498]

THE WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks...
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Mam?”

(You gotta love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."
I enjoyed that one STAR.

[STAR]

Thanks Cwill, it had me laughing so hard I almost choked.

[Max]

For those of you who know calculus: when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1.

[TheDoctor]

For those of you who know calculus: when 2 people have ∫e^x from -∞ to 0, they integrate into 1.
Still not funny, Sheldon.

[STAR]

http://www.youtube.com/user/dailygrace/featured

[DWM222]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

[TheDoctor]

LOOOOLLLLL


In his first movie, Harry Potter had this invisibility cloak.
Anyone with such coak... in Hogwarts... with THOSE classmates.
And we NEVER saw him peeking at the Ladies' room.

HARRY! Great Power implies Great Responsibility!
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzrme8KKWP1qmd9v5o1_1280.jpg

[STAR]

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender
cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[STAR]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[TheDoctor]

LULZ...

[Tom M]

Very good!

[STAR]

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


Go ahead, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does.

[STAR]

>>>>>>>>

[Randolph Carter]

Fred & Ol' Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can?t always hear the bells.

[Rick_Jazz]

A woman is in court, accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. As the court announces her charges, the judge asks "First offender?"

The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

[darrenAH]

cute and funny

[DonV3rgas]

Grumpy teenage daughter: Can't find the broom.

Dad: Where did you park it?

Mom: LOL

Daughter: WTF??

Mom: Who moves around on brooms?

Daughter: TRIGGERED.