Jokes

[WhyYou]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

:D

[DWM222]

> From: xxx xxxx<xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
> Subject: Installing Husband 1.0
> Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 08:01:33 -0800
>
>
> Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Porn 6.9.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Girlfriend 2.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Boob Job 3.8.DD.
Good Luck Babe! Tech Support
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> You live life beyond your PC. So now Windows goes beyond your PC.

[mart]

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

:D

I wish i hadn't included that one.:D

[Geezer]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ' Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? '

The parrot says, ' I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '

' Holy crap, ' the guy replies. ' You actually understood and answered me! '

' I got every word, ' says the parrot. ' I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird '

' Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, ' Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '

' Well, ' the parrot says, ' this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. '

' Wow, ' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ' Sorry, but I just can't afford that. '

' Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I' m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! '

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ' Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. ' I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.. '

' What are you talking about? ' asks the guy.

' When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. '

' WHAT??? ' the guy asks incredulously.. ' THEN what happened? '

' Well, then the UPS man came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, ' reported the parrot.

' NO! ' he exclaims. ' And she let him? '

' Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... '

Then the frantic guy demands, ' THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '

' Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[captnjack]

that's pretty good geezer

[tigger]

Good one geezer! What do you put on a pig with sunburn??????????????????????? Oinkment! :d

[DWM222]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

[mart]

Funny video DWM222 although it really shoudn't be funny lol. How did these women pass their test!.:eek: I know women are reknowned for bad parking but did they have to prove it on film lol. I was in tears watching that woman trying to park her car in the slot then the guy parks it in 20 seconds flat. At least she didn't hit any other cars lol. How the hell did the woman overturn at the gates!:eek:.:D

[Geezer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

I loved the end of the video where the guy whizzes into a parking spot! I wish I could do that!!:D

[DWM222]

Yep...It sure made me chuckle Mart....& Geezer, I thought that was you in the video...LOL

[DWM222]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[WhyYou]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

[captnjack]

That's good whyyou

[Anoree]

Hmm, I must have gotten something wrong ...

L-A-Y-S-I-N-E-S-S
12+1+25+19+9+14+5+19+19 = 123% :eek:

Edit:
I knew something was wrong. It's written LAZINESS.
12+1+26+9+14+5+19+19 = 105% - still above 100% ;)

[ugo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

Someone sent me this..so I thought I'd share...these girls can drive LOL

Good One DWM222 !!
AaaH hahaha,.....Im very fun !!!!:D
But women can not be too ignorant!:o

[laranger]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'




Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y32/laranger/image001a.jpg

[tigger]

in addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, all aircraft in the persian gulf aor are required to give the iranian air defense radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the vhf guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 mhz while flying from europe to dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian air defense radar: 'unknown aircraft you are in iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

aircraft: 'this is a united states aircraft. I am in iraqi airspace.'

air defense radar: 'you are in iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

aircraft: 'this is a united states marine corps fa-18 fighter. Send 'em up, i'll wait!'




air defense radar: (no response ... Total silence)

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y32/laranger/image001a.jpg i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.



I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along:



Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'




Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)


The message is...don't mess with the big boys lol.:D

[Geezer]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[YetAnotherDave]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Love it !!!

[Geezer]

When your wife has chores for you:

http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv180/drh0318/kahki.jpg

Look at the sofa carefully!

[MISSY]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'


'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
I love this one. Going to add it to my joke list.

[ugo]

This kind I will have already seen from Alison's Chat.
It's very curious.:D

http://www.flashgames.it/numa.numa.dance.html


Curious difference between Europe and Italy. To laugh. But sometimes Italy is really so.

http://www.flashgames.it/europa.italia.html

[tigger]

Two rednecks walk into a restaront sit down and the waitress comes over and they are bolth masterbating, she sayes what the hell are you doing? the one points to a sigh on the wall ( FIRST COME FIRST SERVE) :eek:

[mart]

This kind I will have already seen from Alison's Chat.
It's very curious.:D

http://www.flashgames.it/numa.numa.dance.html


Curious difference between Europe and Italy. To laugh. But sometimes Italy is really so.

http://www.flashgames.it/europa.italia.html


The Europa.Italia was hilarious Ugo. I couldn't stop laughing i mean no offence Ugo but it was really funny.:D

[WhyYou]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.



The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement'.

:D

[Texasdrake]

What do a G-spot,a woman's birthday and a urinal have in common?

Men seem to miss all three.



I read that somewhere..it had to be written by a woman. :D

[Euphoria]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II have both died on the same day. Both ascend to the Gates of Heaven. The Angel Guardsman stands before them.
"I am afraid there is only room for one more person", says the Angel,
"To enter, one of you must give the best reason as to why you should enter Heaven", "Dolly Parton! You may go first"
"Well. As you can see, I am very shapely with these pair of enormous breasts. Handcrafted by God himself. I am very sure that the great Lord would like his finest creation to join him in Heaven" says Dolly.
"Ah! Very good. Now, Queen Elizabeth II! Please give your reason".
The Queen says nothing, but walks over to a toilet and flushes it.
"Outstanding Ma'am! You have earned your place in the glorious Heavens. Welcome Queen Elizabeth II".
A puzzled look appears on Dolly Parton's face
"Hold on a minute! You are seriously turning me down?! I was offering these pair of huge boobs! All she did was flush a toilet! What the hell!"
"Ah well, you see Ms Parton. Even in Heaven, a Royal Flush always beats a Pair.
:D

[mart]

Come across this "funniest soccer dives ever" on Youtube and i haven't stopped laughing lol. It is so hilarious and i'm not really into football.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9jjEqRfqoM

[mart]

When i first saw this video i thought it was funny. But of cause it isn't, seeing peoples cars getting damaged just isn't funny. I was stupid to think it was. Maybe amusing, i hope everyone had insurance.:o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3souxFjWgLk

[WhyYou]

I received this video in an email from a friend. I don't have any idea how this guy did this but it looks real. The only way I know of that this could happen is if the guy defied the laws of physics.



http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w203/WhyYouIsMe/Danielle%20Art/th_WalkingThroughWindow.jpg (http://s177.photobucket.com/albums/w203/WhyYouIsMe/Danielle%20Art/?action=view&current=WalkingThroughWindow.flv)

[CK1]

that is Magician/Illusionist Criss Angel. this is part of the first season of MindFreak his show on A&E. towards the second season he started getting a huge ego. still performed great stunts/illusions but would spend too much time saying how great he is, awards he won, etc... i mean he was thanking his fans but by pointing out everything he did... i got tired of it.

[captnjack]

I didn't know cars could do the Blue Danube lol. Can you count the cars that get damaged?.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3souxFjWgLk

Reminds me of some of the local drives here when it snows.

[captnjack]

that is Magician/Illusionist Criss Angel. this is part of the first season of MindFreak his show on A&E. towards the second season he started getting a huge ego. still performed great stunts/illusions but would spend too much time saying how great he is, awards he won, etc... i mean he was thanking his fans but by pointing out everything he did... i got tired of it.

I believe your right CK1. He did some amazing illusions alright but I never liked his personality either. I haven't a clue how he did the illusion but there is a reason he covered the window with the paper which just happened to be in the dumpster.

[mart]

I received this video in an email from a friend. I don't have any idea how this guy did this but it looks real. The only way I know of that this could happen is if the guy defied the laws of physics.



http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w203/WhyYouIsMe/Danielle%20Art/th_WalkingThroughWindow.jpg (http://s177.photobucket.com/albums/w203/WhyYouIsMe/Danielle%20Art/?action=view&current=WalkingThroughWindow.flv)


I was very disappointed, i was expecting him to actually come through the window fully. Not just a finger lol. Why did he take his shoe off? and why do all magicians or illusionist always cover up what their about to go through or make disappear? lol.:D

[WhyYou]

I was very disappointed, i was expecting him to actually come through the window fully. Not just a finger lol. Why did he take his shoe off? and why do all magicians or illusionist always cover up what their about to go through or make disappear? lol.:D

The video must have ended too early. Try watching it again. He does come all the way through the window and stands up on the outside. He probably took his shoes off to cover what his accomplice was doing (I assume the guy inside the building with him was his secret accomplice).

[mart]

I couldn't get the Criss Angel's "walk through window" video to play fully on Photobucket, so i found it on Youtube. Along with many other illusions like this link. Where he makes a Lamborgini disappear. It's a bit long but he does it eventually lol. Check the related videos box on the right he's done quite a few amazing illusions. Like pulling a woman in half, walking on water and so on. All tricky but clever.:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8eD3AmxyAI

[mart]

Just found this great picture of a girl with a nice big pair of jugs, just awesome.;)

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.php?quickkey=cjwokymneyk&thumb=5

[mart]

This woman really does have a nice *****.;)

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.php?quickkey=dazwkcdzmgw&thumb=5

[captnjack]

Just found this great picture of a girl with a nice big pair of jugs, just awesome.;)

http://www.mediafire.com/imageview.php?quickkey=cjwokymneyk&thumb=5


Wow that is pair of big jugs alright!

[MISSY]

Math teacher asked Sally what comes after 69? Sally replied thats easy, you wash your face and brush your teeth!:eek:

[mart]

Math teacher asked Sally what comes after 69? Sally replied thats easy, you wash your face and brush your teeth!:eek:

MISSY!!!:eek: i'm shocked you could know such a joke.:D
Nice one MIssy! i've never heard that before.:D

[tigger]

missy!!!:eek: I'm shocked you could know such a joke.:d
nice one missy! I've never heard that before.:d

that is one of the clean ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d

[mart]

that is one of the clean ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[MISSY]

I'm a notty girl! :D

[ugo]

Umm....Missy.
You made me blush.:p

[mart]

I'm a notty girl! :D

I blame the company you keep.:D;)

[MISSY]

I blame the company you keep.:D;)

I can except that! :D

[mart]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".:D

[mart]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”:D

[laranger]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".:D

That made coffee shoot out of my nose, damnit, need a new keyboard now.

[MISSY]

FUNNY,AND FUNNY Mart!!!!!!!!:D

[mart]

That made coffee shoot out of my nose, damnit, need a new keyboard now.

Sorry Laranger, how about this one, mind the keyboard though lol.:D

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your a$$.":D

Or this one?.

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'':D

[captnjack]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".:D

Now that is a good one Mart. I can't wait to tell it to my buddy who likes to hunt.

[ugo]

Try to draw! Then do what you want from "animate."
You'll be surprised. Including me.:p

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/draw_your_own_cartoon

[mart]

Try to draw! Then do what you want from "animate."
You'll be surprised. Including me.:p

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/draw_your_own_cartoon

Silly, but fun thanks Ugo.:D

[ugo]

Silly, but fun thanks Ugo.:D

Indeed Mart.
Very crazy.:D

[mart]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.:D

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!.:D

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbour that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, i'm working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.:D

Apologies to all blondes, they are only jokes, unfounded, problably.:D

[MISSY]

A class after a field trip to a local farm!

[mart]

A class after a field trip to a local farm!

Nice one MISSY!.:D

[WhyYou]

'Nuff said...lol! :D

[mart]

Like the pic WhyYou lol, teach em while their young.:D

[tigger]

I blame the company you keep.:D;)

hey i resemble that! :D

[tigger]

GREAT jokes guys.

[mart]

hey i resemble that! :D

Exactly!!!.:D:D:D

[MISSY]

Girls at the local highschool were putting on there lipstick and kissing the mirror in the bathroom, the cleaning guy was getting vary upset about this and told the princible about it and the princible called all the girls and told them that this would not be tolerated any more! the next day there was twice as maney kiss marks on the mirror. the cleaning guy was fureous. and went right to the office to report it. the princible gathered all the young ladies in the restroom and wanted them to watch and see how hard it was for the cleaning guy to get it off the mirror. She summond the cleaning guy and he arived in the ladies room and had his spray and a rag and set the spray on the counter and went to the potty and diped his rag into it and rung it out and went over and begane to scrub the mirror, from that day forth no kiss marks were found on the mirror! :D

[geolarson2]

I'm not 100% sure this is the thread for this, but it got a laugh out of me, so what the hey.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Dead_pan_humour_of_the_mysterious_Phi bbs_plaques&in_article_id=675067&in_page_id=34

[mart]

MISSY! that has got to be my favourite joke so far.:D

Must have been a strange world back then Geolarson2 lol.:D

[WhyYou]

I'm not 100% sure this is the thread for this, but it got a laugh out of me, so what the hey.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Dead_pan_humour_of_the_mysterious_Phi bbs_plaques&in_article_id=675067&in_page_id=34

Not a typical type of joke, but funny none the less! :)

[mart]

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.
A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Where do you get virgin wool from?
An Ugly sheep.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!:eek:

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What's a hindu?
Lays eggs

[captnjack]

Pretty good Mart! I wonder what the capital of South Carolina would be. SC maybe?

[MISSY]

Do you know why cow's are upset? Well you would be too if the farmer got you up at 5am and stroked your **** for two hours and then left and you didn't get laid!!!!!!:eek:

[mart]

Pretty good Mart! I wonder what the capital of South Carolina would be. SC maybe?

And the capital of England is of cause "E".:D


MISSY! that's another great joke, keep em coming.:D

[WhyYou]

I got this in an email....

IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD
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(scroll down)
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(keep scrolling)
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(more scrolling)
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Aww CRAP...Now I forgot what I was going to tell you!

:D

[tigger]

Yep been there!:p

[dxhound2003]

Exercise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >I can do this twice.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
> >>
> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
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> >>
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> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> NOW SCROLL UP..
> >>
> >> That's enough for the first day. Great job.
> >>
> >> Have a pint.
__________________
It's what's inside that counts the most

[mart]

What about the lazy ones like me dxhound2003? who just hold down the "D" button.:D

[WhyYou]

Exercise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >I can do this twice.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> DON'T OVER DO IT
> >>
> >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
> >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
> >> and maintain muscle mass.
> >>
> >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
> >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
> >> may be too strenuous for some.
> >>
> >>
> >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> SCROLL DOWN.............
> >>
~~snip~~



This is a repeat post...this joke was already posted by me on page 6, post number 213. Note that it even has my Signature on it. dxhound2003...you're a joke stealer.

[mart]

I thought i recognized dxhound2003 joke!, well WhyYou's joke. Not funny and not clever dxhound2003.

[dxhound2003]

Sorry guys. I'm very old and when I saw Why You's Important Message I was reminded of this one. I had sent it on my e mail to a friend and I retrieved it from there without remembering where I got it first.

I'm very tired and I have to lie down now.

[DWM222]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my
entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

"ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR"

[ugo]

Jokes of nature.:p:D

[mart]

Great joke DWM222 and so true:D

I hope the middle pic isn't just a shot of your bum bending over Ugo!.:D

[DWM222]

It started like this :)


Q:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f--k'n house knows HOW to change a f--k'n light bulb! They don't even know that the f--k'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f--k'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the g/d light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f--k'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME f--k'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F--KER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE F--K'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F--K'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F--K'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?

(Some days start out bad...& then go into the crapper):D

[mart]

I didn't know you knew my ex! DMW222!.:D:D

Oh DWM222, your supposed to post jokes not real life.:D

[DWM222]

Yeah Mart...sometimes "Real Life" is a Joke:)

& we must have been married to the same woman LOL

[DWM222]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[DWM222]

CaptnJack..I got this in an email & I thought you might appreciate it because of your recent breakin problem (I hate thieves):)

.................................................. .................................................. ...

----- Original Message ----- > Posted to Craig's List Personals:
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
> Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST
>
> I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
> I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
> evening,and it wasn't that cold outside.
>
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
>
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
> couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
>
> I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
>
> I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
>
> They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
>
> I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
> was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
>
> I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....
>
> - Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
>
>
>

[tigger]

CaptnJack..I got this in an email & I thought you might appreciate it because of your recent breakin problem (I hate thieves):)

.................................................. .................................................. ...

----- Original Message ----- > Posted to Craig's List Personals:
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
> Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST
>
> I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
> I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
> evening,and it wasn't that cold outside.
>
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
>
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
> couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
>
> I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
>
> I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
>
> They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
>
> I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
> was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
>
> I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....
>
> - Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
>
>
>
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MISSY]

Tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!:D:D

[laranger]

tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!:d:d

ba-zing...

[captnjack]

Thanks DWM222 I certianly appreciate the thought.

[mart]

Tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!:D:D

MISSY! i'm now in tears reading that and will be for a long time.:D:D

[ugo]

Amusing videos. LOL:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjmGsCNRVt4


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25ogpJZyXPk&feature=related

[mart]

Funny videos Ugo, reminds me of the late Benny Hill or Candid Camera.:D

Candid camera
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJxzYuysUP0

Benny Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=810TQyT2KXI

[Texasdrake]

DWM222 that was very funny having a mugger getting the table turn on him.Unlucky a female friend from Miami wasn't so lucky.Two big "Tough" colored guys mugged her.Her being a small petite female gotten her nose busted when they pistol whipped her and took everythign she had..and she lives out of a Hotel when she's lucky enough to make enough tips to pay for one.Worst part they stole her expensive meds she needed for Crohns Disease that she has.Well me personally if I was there with her and they tried that crap..I wouldn't have been so "Nice" and just blow their nuts off.Here in Texas we can legally carry a conseal firearm...once we taken the course that allows us to do so.

[ugo]

Another,...:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=og5AQ8aqmDI&feature=rec-HM-r2

[mart]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

To all Chuck Norris fans i apologise.:D

[ugo]

Others nice videi.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz2U5lw2Tdk&feature=response_watch


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50GN3vfe2U0&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjY47hkVTZM&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsThj_rKA8&feature=related

[mart]

I love Candid Camera, nice find Ugo. Their actually quite sexy as well, in a funny way.:D

[mart]

How many of these guys were actually gentlemen by not looking up? not many.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUeMgZrLO8s

[ugo]

I like video camera too, Friend Mart.:D
And are so many sexy videos,.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dImY5ZYQlgE&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH0ruEWZ7yA&NR=1


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5IZZxbdrYM&feature=related

[mart]

Nice videos Ugo, i think Candid Camera was the best prank show ever.:D

[ugo]

Indeed Mart.

Others videos amusing.

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?ezjzunuz23m

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?iczd32kn2yi

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?qmmvtmmkmo3

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?jnj2dvj0dzm

[mart]

Thanks Ugo! their hilarious, especially the one with the bed filled with water.:D:D

[ugo]

Yeah Mart. To me very hilariou that "water mattress".:D:D

[laranger]

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children in the world to be safe.








So God killed Micheal Jackson.

[Texasdrake]

Yeah and the "funny" part was Jackson's death was bigger news then Fawcett's.

[DWM222]

DWM222 that was very funny having a mugger getting the table turn on him.Unlucky a female friend from Miami wasn't so lucky.Two big "Tough" colored guys mugged her.Her being a small petite female gotten her nose busted when they pistol whipped her and took everythign she had..and she lives out of a Hotel when she's lucky enough to make enough tips to pay for one.Worst part they stole her expensive meds she needed for Crohns Disease that she has.Well me personally if I was there with her and they tried that crap..I wouldn't have been so "Nice" and just blow their nuts off.Here in Texas we can legally carry a conseal firearm...once we taken the course that allows us to do so.

Texasdrake..sorry to hear about your friend..

[DWM222]

>
> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
>
> FOR EXAMPLE:
>
> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>
> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
>
> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
>
> 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
>
> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
>
> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>
> The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
>
> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
>
> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
> Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
>
> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
>
> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
>
> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
>
> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
>
> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
>

[mart]

Nice one DWM222! boy are you in trouble with the ladies now, Lia! Danielle! look what DWM222 wrote!!!.:D:D

[DWM222]

Nice one DWM222! boy are you in trouble with the ladies now, Lia! Danielle! look what DWM222 wrote!!!.:D:D

Geeze...never thought of that (probably why I have so many x-wives)..:D

[mart]

Geeze...never thought of that (probably why I have so many x-wives)..:D

Nah! you just like to live on the edge DWM222! and just fall off occasionally.:D

[DWM222]

Nah! you just like to live on the edge DWM222! and just fall off occasionally.:D

LOL...thats me "Extreme"..hope it doesn't wind up being "I've fallen & I can't get up"...:D

[DWM222]

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally, but this one is real, and it's important.

Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

[mart]

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally, but this one is real, and it's important.

Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

You fell for it as well DWM222!!!,oh well, at least i'm not the only one then.:D:D

[WhyYou]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’

:D

[captnjack]

Now that was funny WhyYou!

[WhyYou]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

:D

[MISSY]

Guy walks into a bar sees a beautiful blond, he walkes over to her and says i want to be part of your body, she lookes at himand said No thanks i already have a *******!!!!!!!:D

[mart]

Guy walks into a bar sees a beautiful blond, he walkes over to her and says i want to be part of your body, she lookes at himand said No thanks i already have a *******!!!!!!!:D

Lol, nice one MISSY!.:D:D

[ugo]

The perfume of the magics.:D


who wants to adopt this dessert "newborn" kitten?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elEnZvASQjM&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

[ugo]

The perfume of the magics.:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elEnZvASQjM&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div



I didn't believe it !!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRvC56_DAek&feature=related

[tigger]

Think of a number.
multiply it by 3
now add 5
take away the number you first thought of.
now add 7
subtract 4
add back the number you first thought of


now close your eyes






DARK, ISN'T IT? LOL:D

[mart]

Here's some of the British version of "Candid Camera". It's called "Just for laughs".:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Z69U3BmmfQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbdN87gyVwE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ueg7Q7hO7U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNTj5Fus1K4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SijboFaP5kY

[ugo]

Nice Mart.:D
I had already seen. They are all amusing ones.:p

[laranger]

Boy asks his mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom says, "don't even go there, the way that party went, you are damn lucky you don't bark."

[ugo]

Difference of communication in our society.:D

[captnjack]

Boy asks his mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom says, "don't even go there, the way that party went, you are damn lucky you don't bark."

Now that's funny Laranger

[captnjack]

Here's some of the British version of "Candid Camera". It's called "Just for laughs".:D


funny Mart!

[mart]

Here's one of my favourites from "just for laughs" can you guess why!.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b34h-3yLZDc

[captnjack]

No Mart I can't guess why!

[ugo]

I would be prepared to be a gentleman toward a woman "so" (to buy flowers, and to show my sweetness of good civic sense).:p

[captnjack]

What did one lesbian frog say to another lesbian frog?

Hmm they are right we do taste like chicken!!!

[mart]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ***."OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios!"
__________________

[mart]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender says, "Um, sir- you have a steering wheel jammed in your drawers?"
Pirate replies, "Arrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Two fish were sitting in their tank. One says to the other, " You drive, I'll man the gun."

[Immortal]

Heres a text i got today, i often get these from my daughter.

" A cop tells a hooker she can't be selling sex. She says i'm not,
I'm selling condoms with free ***** samples."

Kids, gotta love em!

[mart]

blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."

What do blondes do with their ******** in the morning?.
Pack their lunch and send them to work.

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?.
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?.
A mental block.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?.
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Boy am i trouble.:D:D

[TheDoctor]

blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."

What do blondes do with their ******** in the morning?.
Pack their lunch and send them to work.

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?.
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?.
A mental block.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?.
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Boy am i trouble.:D:D

Alison, blonde.
Lia, blonde.
Danielle, natural blonde, formerly dye extraordinaire.

Yes, man, you are so in trouble...;)

[mart]

Alison, blonde.
Lia, blonde.
Danielle, natural blonde, formerly dye extraordinaire.

Yes, man, you are so in trouble...;)

Thought i was, but then no blonde jokes could ever relate to Lia, Alison or Danielle. Because all three of these girls are smart and intelligent.;)

Phew!!!, i think i'm out of trouble now.:D

[T-bone Thomas]

Thought i was, but then no blonde jokes could ever relate to Lia, Alison or Danielle. Because all three of these girls are smart and intelligent.;)

Phew!!!, i think i'm out of trouble now.:D

Don't worry Mart. Relating to Lia I can say she likes jokes about blondes and she knows some good ones herself.
Hmmm, I hope I didn't confuse her with someone else? Maybe I'm in trouble now, lol.

[TheDoctor]

Thought i was, but then no blonde jokes could ever relate to Lia, Alison or Danielle. Because all three of these girls are smart and intelligent.;)

Phew!!!, i think i'm out of trouble now.:D

I know. :p

[Immortal]

Alot of cool videos in here. Heres some more british comady i think should be included.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk5pO06BdSk

[mart]

Alot of cool videos in here. Heres some more british comady i think should be included.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk5pO06BdSk

Thanks for the link Immortal, that brought back memories. I used to watch "the youngs ones" every week because it was truely funny, satirical and rebellious for it's time.:D

[Satir]

Joke:
Two gays sitting in the bus. First saying to another: "Let's do IT right here". Second answer "No! Look around. A lot of people here."
First: "How about... If I'll smoke here and nobody pays attention we'll do it?"
Second: "OK."
The gay smoked his cigarette and nobody said anithing. Fellows did their dirty business.

Next day in another bus. Two alcoholics:
First: "Let's drink here."
Second: "You must be crazy!! Yesturday one guy's been ****** in the *** after smoking in the bus "
:):):)

[laranger]

Joke:
Two gays sitting in the bus. First saying to another: "Let's do IT right here". Second answer "No! Look around. A lot of people here."
First: "How about... If I'll smoke here and nobody pays attention we'll do it?"
Second: "OK."
The gay smoked his cigarette and nobody said anithing. Fellows did their dirty business.

Next day in another bus. Two alcoholics:
First: "Let's drink here."
Second: "You must be crazy!! Yesturday one guy's been ****** in the *** after smoking in the bus "
:):):)


Satir, did you really find that funny or just like the humilation it offered?

[Satir]

You think its not funny?
yes i find this funny. at least it sounds great on my native language :p
How do you like my english?

[laranger]

You think its not funny?
yes i find this funny. at least it sounds great on my native language :p
How do you like my english?

Actually, no I did not. It demeans 2 classes of people.

BTW, your English is probaly better than mine, thanks for asking.

[Immortal]

Thanks for the link Immortal, that brought back memories. I used to watch "the youngs ones" every week because it was truely funny, satirical and rebellious for it's time.:D
Your welcome Mart. Too bad the young ones was a short lived show.

[mart]

True Immortal "the young ones" was shortlived, shame though. Just found this clip the best Arnie impression ever and i was literally in tears watching this. In my opinion the funniest comedy sketch on Youtube.:D:D:D:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weQDA0HNJiE

[Immortal]

You got to love "Parody's", Well no one HAS to but i do so here are 2 of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsTLUSMOgas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y

I hope someone gets a kick out of these:)

[mart]

Well i certainly got a kick out of them Immortal.:D absolutely hilarious.:D

[mart]

Another Arnie impersonator that had me in tears of laughter. "Arnie's pizza shop answering machine".:D:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMEZyS2pjE4

[Immortal]

Another Arnie impersonator that had me in tears of laughter. "Arnie's pizza shop answering machine".:D:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMEZyS2pjE4
Now that was funny Mart! I came across This parody, and this one had me in tears as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIpvr91p7DM

I had to add this one too, not as funny but it pays off at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q64oOPWVoBE

[mart]

Another two good finds Immortal and your right the second one pays off at the end.:D:D

[DWM222]

Good one's everyone..I'll have to dig around & find a few new one's to post:)

[DWM222]

> One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman
>
>
>
>
> Who did not whine, nag, or *****.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> But it was a long time ago, & it
> was just that one day.
>
>
>
>
>
> The End
>
> :D:D

[DWM222]

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new truck.

[mart]

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep." :D

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

How do you confuse an idiot?
Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

[Immortal]

Ok, I'm at it again. If any one here is from the Mideast, I'M SORRY!
This is just too funny. Enjoy!

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/13150_mideast-conflict-in-one-minute.html

[Texasdrake]

Ok, I'm at it again. If any one here is from the Mideast, I'M SORRY!
This is just too funny. Enjoy!

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/13150_mideast-conflict-in-one-minute.html

I'm thinking you ment MIDDLEeast..mideast sounds like you were talking somewhere in the USA as in midwest..etc. :D

[Immortal]

I'm thinking you ment MIDDLEeast..mideast sounds like you were talking somewhere in the USA as in midwest..etc. :D
Thats the name of the video, "The Mideast conflict in 1 minute".

[TheDoctor]

A cop is doing his night shift on a street known for the many "clandestine dates" happening there all the time. He then spots a couple in a car, with its inner lights bright on. He closes up on the car for a better view, and sees a young guy reading a computer magazine in the driver's seat and a girl polishing her nails in the rear seat. The cop, startled, comes to them, and asks the guy to open the window.

"Yes, officer?"
"Good evening, mister. What are you guys doing here?"
"Reading a magazine", the guy responds.
"OK", says the cop. Pointing at the girl, he continues, "And the young lady?"
The guy responds, "I think she is polishing her nails".

"Whoa", the cop thinks to himself. "A young couple alone in a car on the lovers' lane, and nothing lewd going on?!" But he keeps asking anyway:

"How old are you, young man?"
"22, sir", he answers.
"And your... How old is she?"
The guy looks at his wristwatch and responds for her:

"She'll be 18 in ten minutes."

[mart]

As mentioned in the "anything under the sun" thread". Here's some classic Monty Python sketches, starting with the alltime classic the parrot sketch. With a few other great sketches, British comedy at it's best.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE

Spam sketch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_eYSuPKP3Y

Village idiot sketch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNBNqUdqm1E

And my favourite comedy "Faulty Towers" which for anyone not familiar with this British comedy. It was about a madcap hotel manager Basil Faulty played by John Cleese. With his ever suffering wife Sybil played by Prunella Scale. Not forgetting the in incompetent Spanish waiter Manuel played by Andrew Sach's. this is the classic car thrashing and still very funny today. There are many more clips but just in too many parts to link here.:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmQMYMcY6nI

[seshu]

good one. Very nice joke.


Moderator removed link

[FTVfanatic]

[quote=seshu;15105]good one. Very nice joke.

quote]

I suspect you are spamming us. Again. :mad:

Most certainly nobody should click seshu's link. It smells like spam and malware.

[captnjack]

As mentioned in the "anything under the sun" thread". Here's some classic Monty Python sketches, starting with the alltime classic the parrot sketch. With a few other great sketches, British comedy at it's best.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE

Spam sketch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_eYSuPKP3Y

Village idiot sketch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNBNqUdqm1E

And my favourite comedy "Faulty Towers" which for anyone not familiar with this British comedy. It was about a madcap hotel manager Basil Faulty played by John Cleese. With his ever suffering wife Sybil played by Prunella Scale. Not forgetting the in incompetent Spanish waiter Manuel played by Andrew Sach's. this is the classic car thrashing and still very funny today. There are many more clips but just in too many parts to link here.:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmQMYMcY6nI

I had forgotten the village idiot sketch and the car thrashing is a classic. I think there were lest than a dozen Fawlty Towers episodes made. And wasn't the maid John Cleese real life wife?

[mart]

I had forgotten the village idiot sketch and the car thrashing is a classic. I think there were lest than a dozen Fawlty Towers episodes made. And wasn't the maid John Cleese real life wife?

There was actually 12 episodes made of Faulty Towers and yes your right John Cleese was married to Connie Booth. Who played the maid Pollly Sherman, they married in 1968 and divorced in 1978.

One of my favourite episodes is "Waldorf salad". It's in three parts.:D

Part one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bYWVwrbk5U

Part two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSnul3ySiGk

Part three
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGWmxddz4GM

[grande351]

Thanks Mart! No one could do a "meltdown" like Basil Fawlty! I didn't know the bit about Cleese being married to Connie Booth at the time. I remember on the show when Basil was looking at Polly's sketchbook and answered the phone "Fawlty *******"! They never would have gotten away with that on US tv.
Andrew Sachs was great as Manuel too. According to IMDB, he was actually injured once while filming the show and sued the BBC!

[captnjack]

There was actually 12 episodes made of Faulty Towers and yes your right John Cleese was married to Connie Booth. Who played the maid Pollly Sherman, they married in 1968 and divorced in 1978.

One of my favourite episodes is "Waldorf salad". It's in three parts.:D

Part one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bYWVwrbk5U

Part two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSnul3ySiGk

Part three
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGWmxddz4GM

Yeah that's a good episode! I never understood why the show only lasted for just one season.
There is a good one in which Basil is betting on the horses! Need to see if I can find it.

[captnjack]

Thanks Mart! No one could do a "meltdown" like Basil Fawlty! I didn't know the bit about Cleese being married to Connie Booth at the time. I remember on the show when Basil was looking at Polly's sketchbook and answered the phone "Fawlty *******"! They never would have gotten away with that on US tv.
Andrew Sachs was great as Manuel too. According to IMDB, he was actually injured once while filming the show and sued the BBC!

I don't remember the Fawlty ******* line it has been quite a while since I have seen any of the episodes. Seems like someone was always slapping Manual on the back of the head.

[mart]

I don't remember the Fawlty ******* line it has been quite a while since I have seen any of the episodes. Seems like someone was always slapping Manual on the back of the head.

Yes he did say *******, well he was looking at Polly's pokies through a thin jumper at the time lol. Bit risque at the time for the BBC though lol. The episode was "the psychiatrist". It's on Youtube in five parts.:D

[Texasdrake]

if you have a netflix account you can watch the Monty Python shows and all of Fawlty Towers on instant on your PC and if you have a Xbox 360 then you can view the shows on your T.V. which what I was doing. :)

[captnjack]

I don't have either one TexasDrake.

[mart]

if you have a netflix account you can watch the Monty Python shows and all of Fawlty Towers on instant on your PC and if you have a Xbox 360 then you can view the shows on your T.V. which what I was doing. :)

Well i've never heard of Netflix before, sounds interesting. I have all the faulty Towers episodes on dvd and quite a few of Monty Python on video. Which one day i'll get around to copying on to dvd lol. But thanks for the tip anyway Texasdrake.;)

[DWM222]

Here is a video I found amusing:):)



http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/272036f753/red-bull-energy-douche-with-mandy-moore

[mart]

Here is a video I found amusing:):)

And also very funny.:D

[DWM222]

And also very funny.:D

Try this one...I liked it (even shared it on my facebook page):D
__________________________________________________ ______

Woops...fergot the link:)
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c130f64d6f/the-new-f-ing-citibank

[Satir]

Here is my JOKE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xk_QB1w8JY

[captnjack]

Try this one...I liked it (even shared it on my facebook page):D
__________________________________________________ ______

Woops...fergot the link:)
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c130f64d6f/the-new-f-ing-citibank

FUNNY the one about stimlus is also good.

[mart]

That's why we all love banks DWM222.:D

That's one of the funniest dumb blonde videos i've seen in a long time Satir, thanks for finding it.:D

[Immortal]

I just had to post this, Got this in my email today.


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[mart]

Thanks for the info Immortal!. it may come in use for some of us.:D

[Immortal]

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.

The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde?

The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

To all the Blondes on this forum, I'm dead!

[Satir]

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.

The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde?

The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

To all the Blondes on this forum, I'm dead!

lol lol ololo

[mart]

Why did the blonde wash her phone?
Because she thought she wouldn't get any dirty phone calls with a clean one.:D

[Immortal]

I won't make any comments here, Just watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaR4LcLbW8I

[Satir]

Pity i dont know this guy but i underst00d this joke :) he wants someone to slap his nuts :)

[mart]

Good one Immortal!, that guys nuts!!!.:D
Here's another silly parody, all i'll say is watching this one could save you toothpaste.:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbYiAst-Zoc

[captnjack]

You might be too drunk to drive it the tree you just dodged to avoid hitting is actually the air freshener hanging from your rearview mirror.

[mart]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.":D

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”:D

[mart]

Just a few saucy funny clips, ok so i like panties!:D:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABqZHvOwP30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0krkQSX3cM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsycjXZe6LY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWaVnVFcwok

[DWM222]

Just a few saucy funny clips, ok so i like panties!:D:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABqZHvOwP30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0krkQSX3cM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsycjXZe6LY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWaVnVFcwok

Funny..I kinda like panties too...as long as they are on girls..:D:D

[HEMI6point1]

Because once a mistake is made, it's here forever...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plboBPJWFDs - note the location of the MIC!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgBklIt67YU&feature=response_watch - him trying to explain it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYqXZgVb3EY&feature=PlayList&p=C8C9F03F0C4F4E0A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=24 - yes, this was live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP-rcMDJfYU -he got fired for this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzUKM-VBJs0&feature=channel_page - Notice her cute smile when she realizes her Oops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9GxN7tezds&feature=channel_page - "That is not the right video," lol.

Sorry meant to say "news" in the title. :o

[mart]

There's some funny clips there HEM1point1, thanks. Although these may get moved to the jokes thread. As any funny videos are posted in the jokes thread and your'll find lots more funny videos there.;)

[mart]

Funny..I kinda like panties too...as long as they are on girls..:D:D

I usually find panties are far sexier on girls as well.:D

[DWM222]

hehe..see what you think of this vid:)
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0de45d16bb/high-school-sex-reality-show

[DWM222]

& if you liked panties Mart...you'll love yougurt:)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e2b7f74ab8/yogurt-is-so-good-from-andrea-savage-and-rachael-harris

[mart]

The yougurt one was hilarious DWM222:D.

[mart]

Boy am i in trouble again.:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1plIgEbggSs

[mart]

This is one of my favourite golf jokes.:D:D

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f**k around?".:D

[mart]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?".:D


On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!".:D

[TheDoctor]

What the F is with Star Wars? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qmflLdOpI&feature=related)

[mart]

Here's a massive list of funny real names, i love funny names.:D

http://www.ethanwiner.com/funnames.html

[captnjack]

Some of those names are pretty funny. I use to work for an auditor and one of his clients was a hospital. One of our test was to audit a number of the patient accounts to see that they were real people. I came across a patient named Ima Rose Bush. Of course I had to pull that account and it seemed legimate enough. But who do that to their kid? Any combination is funny. Ima Rose, Ima Bush, Rose Bush.

[Immortal]

There are a lot of funny names in that link, Thanks Mart!:D
Here's my contribution, One of my customers name on the CC he uses is
"Phil Mike Hunt." This is for real too. (Say all 3 name fast.)

[Raymond]

WOW!!!

I just found this awesome tribute video with some sexy outtakes from FTVGirls

ENJOY!!! and Happy Thanksgiving :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69uayjrwHJ8&feature=player_embedded

[FTVGirls_Rob]

worse than a rickroll!

[captnjack]

Hell explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

This answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[TJHooker]

I agree with Rob. Raymond, to the corner and no giblets for you! ;)

[grande351]

"As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly" :D

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafYtDe.html

[tigger]

Turkeys can fly quite well. they fly over the lake to get to the corn fields all the time.

[DWM222]

Hell explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

This answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Now thats funny..:)

[danielle_ftv]

LOL...that's funny. And I was getting all excited!

[Needle]

Hot! I am masturbating furiously.

[dxhound2003]

Here is a bit of background to the Hell story.

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

[Dilbert49]

"As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly" :D

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoafYtDe.html

Yes! One of the funniest lines ever delivered on a TV sitcom! Even reading it here makes me laugh again.

[mart]

WOW!!!

I just found this awesome tribute video with some sexy outtakes from FTVGirls

ENJOY!!! and Happy Thanksgiving :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69uayjrwHJ8&feature=player_embedded

I'm sure i could do a better one than that!.:D

[DWM222]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

:):)

[captnjack]

that was funny DMW222

[mart]

Funniest joke i've heard in a long time DWM222.:D:D

[captnjack]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these ******* would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" :)

[mart]

Great joke Captnjack and very topical oops, sorry Tiger!.:D

[Natal]

You woke up one morning and found your car looking like this....

http://blstb.msn.com/i/9F/EAA8E76C1477CA7146F6F279C4DA1.jpg

[laranger]

DAMN; I hope I remembered to put the top up last night!!!

[tigger]

Thats one of them crall back into bed days!!!!!!!!!!!!

[eastbill]

i would say its time to move.

[Max]

Thats one of them crall back into bed days!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even think you could get in your car

[mart]

Mmmmm...taxi!!!:D

That'll teach him not to put the antifreeze in.:D

[Geezer]

I'm so glad I moved from Ohio/Nebraska to California!:cool::eek::D

[T-bone Thomas]

Maybe the owner just turned up the AC a bit too much?

[captnjack]

Guess I will have to let the defrost run a little longer this morning

[tigger]

Looks like it's going to get a hard freez!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:

[tigger]

Ice cream cone any one!:p

[rebel]

LOL these jokes are great

[mart]

Looks like it's going to get a hard freez!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:

Was that actually for real Tigger?.:D

[tigger]

Was that actually for real Tigger?.:D

Have no idea but its funny

[Raymond]

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time?

Just saying.....LOL

[mart]

Who says they can't Raymond!, trust me they can.:D

[WhyYou]

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

:D

[captnjack]

I liked that one Whyyou!

[DWM222]

Good one Whyyou:)

[Raymond]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjdspvErqME&feature=player_embedded#

[FTVfanatic]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjdspvErqME&feature=player_embedded#

It's no longer available! What gives?

Seriously, in what way was it funny? Is it something they said about the car? :confused:

[mart]

Damn Youtube strikes again with their takedown copyright infringements rules.:(


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjdspvErqME&feature=player_embedded#

[mart]

Had to share this one from a friend via an email.:D:D


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.

I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Sinseerly,
Tiffanny

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short

I sent a pickture of me.








564

Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

[DWM222]

Funny..& probably true:D

[DWM222]

A friend of mine sent me this..I think its a "sound" idea:):)

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Geezer]

LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one
to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same
time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence
can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the
Lab and says....



Liver alone. Cheese mine

[Immortal]

You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

4 The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

(OOHHH i'm gonna get it for this one!:D)